Monday, June 25, 2007

I'm using these words today - -Pilgrims, Valtrex & Marty's House of Fish.

I know a lot of stuff.

I know how to make chocolate gravy…which almost no one does. I also know what chocolate gravy is…which almost no one does.

I know how to drive a stick. I know all the words to the Star Spangled Banner. I know how to fix anything in my whole house using nothing but a butter knife and a bottle of Maker’s Mark Whiskey.

What I do not know however, is where to find East, West, North and South.

When I am asked to point North by some jack leg who thinks it’s funny because I am a grown woman who doesn’t know her directions, I simply point to the sky. According to all the maps, Heaven is very north. Right over Canada actually.

North is up, South is down, West is left and East is right. That’s because in my mind lives a flat version of the United States map which comes complete with little arrows and the letters, N, S, E, W. That’s what I refer to when making a directional decision.

This weekend my son the Big Dog was set to run in the State finals for track. Weeks ahead, I booked a hotel room, made all sort of plans and even wrote down the MapQuest directions step by step.

Evidently when I wrote them I had just finished fixing something in the house, because upon having my son read them to me as I drove, it was plainly evident that I was drunk.

Long story short, I went east when I should have gone west and we went somewhere we had no business being. My son, a male since birth and therefore incapable of finding any humor in getting lost, expressed his dissatisfaction with me by bulling up and getting all kinds of mad.

“Mom! What are we going to do? I’m gon’na be late for check in and they won’t let me run!”

The madder he got, the more I laughed and the more I laughed, the more he threatened to risk grave injury to himself by jumping from my speeding vehicle and running the whole way to the track meet.

Thankfully I had done what I always do when it falls to me to drive somewhere I’ve never before been. I padded our trip time with a couple hours to compensate for the inevitable getting lost. This ain’t my first time at the rodeo, kids. Nor will it be the last time I get lost on my way to it.

What is wrong with me? I truly do not understand how people can just look up in the sky and figure out which direction they are supposed to go based on shadows and the sun. What are we, Pilgrims?

I have tried and tried to make myself learn whatever needs to be learned to get it, but I’m guessing the part of my brain that should hold that sort of information has become the overflow holding room for all the thoughts I have about that Valtrex commercial. You know the one. He has genital herpes and she doesn’t and they want to keep it that way.

That thing freaks me out. I can’t understand why a lovely girl like that is snuggled up to Mr. VD guy and riding bikes with him for no good reason.

I say dump him and find someone who you don’t have to trust to take a required daily medication so that your vagina doesn’t fall off when pedaling away on your bike trip up Mount Denial.

Whenever I have asked my husband to explain directions and how they work, I am met with some insane explanation that always goes something like this, “I know that we are driving Southwest because Bill’s old house…not the one he’s living in now with his third wife but the one he was living in while he was still married to that one chick you didn’t like because she had that slow eye. Remember her, Honey? She was nice. I can’t believe you didn’t like her just because one of her eyes was a little odd.”

“Baby! I never knew if she was talking to me or checking to see if a zombie was readying to jump her from somewhere off to the side. You know I’m afraid of zombies. I could never relax because her wandering zombie eye kept me in a constant state of high zombie alert.”

“Anyway, Bill’s house is west of James’ house and just south of Marty’s House of Fish. That’s how I know.”

Yeah. That makes perfect sense now. I think I’ll get my butter knife & my bottle and assemble a table.

Summertime - - - So, so good. Perfection all over the place.

Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Tell me you love me at:

Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.

Blogroll Me!

Add to My Yahoo!


Jami said...

People who have a good sense of direction have been found to have a high concentration of iron in their nose and that is in turn directly connected to their ability to unconsciously sense the earth's magnetic field. Kind of like homing pigeons and migrating birds. So if you don't have a good sense of direction, you can always say it's because you're NOT a bird brain!

(I'm sure there's a reference to all this somewhere out there on the WWW but it's too early in the morning to be Googling, so just take my word for it.)

Nancy said...

I don't know how or why, but you can blind fold me and drop me into the middle of the unknown and I could tell the directions.

I used to date a guy that called me "compass head" because I always knew where we were, where to turn, and how to keep him from getting lost.

The only thing I can do with a butter knife is spread butter. So you got me there Sher!

LarryLilly said...

If you cant tell direction from your ass, BUY a watch with a circular dial, not one of those digital ones.

Now, when its daytime, take off the watch, hold it level, like a compass, and then you point the HOUR HAND (the short hand only)on the face of your watch TOWARDS the sun. After you have placed the watch with the hour hand facing the sun, the 12 o'clock mark on the watch face is due SOUTH. Then that makes 6 oclock due NORTH, 3 is WEST and 9 is EAST.

Now, to get even more precise, IF its daylight savings time, then instead of pointing the hour hand towards the sun, you point the true time, which would be ONE HOUR before, so noon in DST time is actually 11 o'clock true sun time. But if you forget this minor step, the clock hand towards the sun gets you close enough to figure out direction.

Now, if its dark, and you cant see the glow of the setting sun, then your F'd, and you stop, bat your eyes and ask.


Flutterby said...

Spoken like a man, Larry, lol. We're still girls so we're probably still *F'ed" anyway when it comes to that. No one wears a watch anymore. The only thing that works for me is having a major landmark and knowing what direction it is; for me it's a whole freaking 8000+ foot high mountain. And it's EAST. As long as I can see that mountain, I know my directions. And I do actually have a compass in my purse. But I always forget it's there.

Anonymous said...

Good advice Larry, but too complicated. I prefer to just look at the GPS screen!

Around here moss grows on every side of the tree, not just the north side, so that shoots that idea also.

LarryLilly said...

Here, well EVERY town has a street named Belt Line, so that doesnt help. Then there are streets that change names as they go from one town to an adjoining one. Like no wonder they say "Texas, its a whole nother country" A third world one at that. Jeez, they cant get the streets to agree.

So down here, you know that if your facing the searing sun, you are either headed to Mexico, New Mexico or Louisiana. And three out of three aint bad. LOL

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

I always figured that if I've still got plenty of gas in the tank, then I'm not lost yet.

Real Men don't get lost, we just prefer to take the scenic route.

Blessings, Sher.

Sher said...

As you know, Honey, I take your word for absolutely everything.

Please know that I mean this in the nicest way: I hate you.

How to understand directions in 78 easy steps. I'm going with #78 - the batting of the eyes.

Kansas is so short on mountains, I can't even tell you. Stupid Kansas.

I am a Writer/Realtor/Director of Marketing/BS Artist who lives in squalor. No GPS for me.

Mr. Man has never been lost in his entire life. ;-)

Jami said...

OK, anyone who fixes things with Maker's Mark can't be all bad. I'm a Cuervo Gold kinda gal myself, but Maker's was my father-in-law's favorite. So, because you like okra and because you believe my umm... wisdom (yeah - that's it), I went and snooped around the WWW and found a few things. It's either this:

"Researchers have identified a probable sensor in pigeons: a small (dwarf), heavily innervated region of the skull, which contains biological magnetite. Humans have a similar magnetite deposit in the ethmoid bone of the nose."

or this:

"Now, our study points to what we need to look for a molecular substrate for certain chemical reactions. That is, we can rule out magnetic materials in birds’ beaks and elsewhere as being possible candidates. Magnetite in the beaks, however, may play a role in detecting the strength but not the direction of the Earth’s magnetic field."

or this:

"In eukaryotic cells directional sensing is mediated by heterotrimeric guanine
nucleotide-binding protein (G protein)-linked signaling pathways."

Take your pick. I'm going to go watch TV and rest my brain now.

Anonymous said...

When I hit the top of your list, I'll buy you a new FWD pickup with all the goodies including GPS, and of course a lifetime supply of Beech Nut.

tAnYeTTa said...

i clicked on random crazy hip mamas and here i am! OMG. you are tooooooooo funny. my side hurts. thanks :)

Sher said...

I am not smart enough to actually understand many of those words, but I think my next post will be titled "biological magnetite".

Honey if a new truck is involved...AND it has GPS... and I'm getting some Beechnut, you are officially bumped up to number TEN! Congratulations on your big move up the future husband list.

Thaaaaaaaaannnnkkkkk Yoooouuuuuuu!!! Please come back often!

Anonymous said...

Work is rained out today. I'm heading to town to buy the boys a round of root beer to celebrate the moliminous occasion. In consideration of your previous record, I am not planning my relationship with PJ to last out the year! Need suggestions for a nickname (read new post).

Jami said...

That might be a good post! Mainly because when I hear that phrase, I tend to think of genitalia - as in, "Do you know what keeps dogs stuck together when they 'do it'?" And FWIW, I don't know what any of that stuff means, either, but I do know how to cut and paste. (Cut and run, too.)

Sher said...

Are you implying I don't keep husbands very long? Watch your sass Mister, or you're going right back down the list.

You're drunk this morning, aren't you?

Catwoman said...

That commercial totally freaks me out too.

And I have a new friend. He's called Garmin. He's really hot, sticks to my windshield and says in a very female-like voice like Justin Timberlake's, which way I should go.

Because or else, I sit at intersections and hold my arms to the side and go West... That's Left!

And I don't realize that I'm not facing North when I do this, so that's not really West on the left.

Jami said...

I don't know. Can you smell tequila?

Wait - left isn't west? OK, maybe not in Australia because they're upside down, but ... really?

Sher said...


For me, left will always be West. Always.

Yes, I totally can. Maybe it's me.