“Hey there fella. Because we think you’re so super-dooper fantastic, we here at the Discovery Channel would like to give you your very own TV show.”
“Wowee! That’s just peachy. So what will I be doing? Singing? Dancing? Telling jokes? I know some really funny jokes. There's this one about a rabbi, a priest and a monkey walking into a bar. No wait a minute. Maybe it's a monk, a Baptist preacher and a lizard and it's not a bar, it's a Walgreens.”
“Umm, no. Actually we’re going to drop you off in the middle of nowhere every week and then pretty much leave you for dead. You won’t have any food, so you’ll have to pick up big, fat jungle worms and bite their heads off now and again when you feel hungry.”
“I’ll be doing what now? What did you say about worms?”
“Oh don’t worry. We’ll give you plenty of water so you won’t die from dehydration.”
“I guess that’s good. Fresh, clean water is important.”
“I’m sorry. One of my producers just told me the water thing is a no-go. Looks like you’ll have to try and collect rain water in leaves and suck on them. No biggie."
“What if it doesn’t rain?”
“Then you can build a big fire and boil some chunky swamp water until it’s good to go.”
“So I’ll at least have matches?”
“Matches? No. No matches. But, you will have rocks and twigs and other pieces of nature that might light on fire if you rub them a lot. A little advice from me to you, Dude. I would learn to do the whole fire thing asap if I were you. You’re definitely going to want a fire at night because of the giant bears and other man-eating beasts that will relentlessly want to bite you in half while you sleep.”
“Did you say something about beasts devouring me? I sort of went blank after I heard bears.”
“Hey don’t worry. The Discovery Channel's got your back.”
“So I’m getting a gun with which I might defend myself and murder the bears who will nightly seek to dine upon me?”
“Oh sweet lord, no. Nobody said nothing ‘bout no gun. You’ll need to fashion beast-proof sleeping quarters out of piles of leaves.”
“You mean to tell me the only thing between me and a bloody death at the hands of giant bears or rabid wild bores is going to be a layer of leaves?”
“A lot of leaves. We would encourage you really not to skimp on the leaves.”
“Listen guys, I’m not too sure about all this. I mean, I want to be on TV and everything but this whole Man vs. Wild is sort of over the top, don’t you think?”
“We are prepared to offer you the sum of one zillion dollars and your own line of branded gourmet sheep’s eyeballs which will be sold in grocery stores nationwide and in some parts of Italy. You’ll be a big, big star.”
“You had me at sheep’s eyeballs.”
My obsessed love only grows stronger. My Michael is so much good I can't even stand it.
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