Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Just chilling... making nature his bitch.

“Hey there fella. Because we think you’re so super-dooper fantastic, we here at the Discovery Channel would like to give you your very own TV show.”

“Wowee! That’s just peachy. So what will I be doing? Singing? Dancing? Telling jokes? I know some really funny jokes. There's this one about a rabbi, a priest and a monkey walking into a bar. No wait a minute. Maybe it's a monk, a Baptist preacher and a lizard and it's not a bar, it's a Walgreens.”

“Umm, no. Actually we’re going to drop you off in the middle of nowhere every week and then pretty much leave you for dead. You won’t have any food, so you’ll have to pick up big, fat jungle worms and bite their heads off now and again when you feel hungry.”

“I’ll be doing what now? What did you say about worms?”

“Oh don’t worry. We’ll give you plenty of water so you won’t die from dehydration.”

“I guess that’s good. Fresh, clean water is important.”

“I’m sorry. One of my producers just told me the water thing is a no-go. Looks like you’ll have to try and collect rain water in leaves and suck on them. No biggie."

“What if it doesn’t rain?”

“Then you can build a big fire and boil some chunky swamp water until it’s good to go.”

“So I’ll at least have matches?”

“Matches? No. No matches. But, you will have rocks and twigs and other pieces of nature that might light on fire if you rub them a lot. A little advice from me to you, Dude. I would learn to do the whole fire thing asap if I were you. You’re definitely going to want a fire at night because of the giant bears and other man-eating beasts that will relentlessly want to bite you in half while you sleep.”

“Did you say something about beasts devouring me? I sort of went blank after I heard bears.”

“Hey don’t worry. The Discovery Channel's got your back.”

“So I’m getting a gun with which I might defend myself and murder the bears who will nightly seek to dine upon me?”

“Oh sweet lord, no. Nobody said nothing ‘bout no gun. You’ll need to fashion beast-proof sleeping quarters out of piles of leaves.”

“You mean to tell me the only thing between me and a bloody death at the hands of giant bears or rabid wild bores is going to be a layer of leaves?”

“A lot of leaves. We would encourage you really not to skimp on the leaves.”

“Listen guys, I’m not too sure about all this. I mean, I want to be on TV and everything but this whole Man vs. Wild is sort of over the top, don’t you think?”

“We are prepared to offer you the sum of one zillion dollars and your own line of branded gourmet sheep’s eyeballs which will be sold in grocery stores nationwide and in some parts of Italy. You’ll be a big, big star.”

“You had me at sheep’s eyeballs.”


My obsessed love only grows stronger. My Michael is so much good I can't even stand it.

Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Tell me you love me at:

Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.

Blogroll Me!

Add to My Yahoo!


Nancy said...

This weekend, the producers of the next "Survivor" are holding auditions/taking applications in my area.

I am still pondering the idea!

Sher said...

Are you kidding me, Nancy? Are you really considering it?

I don't watch Survivor, but I can only imagine what it would be like. Let us know what happens.

Jami said...

You know who I really admire? The cameraman for Survivor! He's got to follow along - hungry, thirsty, cold, hot, SUFFERING - with all that video and audio gear. Now THAT's guts ... or stupidity. Or maybe just a zillion dollars.

Flutterby said...

Survivorman is better. He's not as stupid as the Man vs Wild dude. And he does his own filming so it truly is just him and his own wits out there. He's like the Mother Nature version of McGyver.

Catwoman said...

OK, how did you get in my brain! I literally told the same thing to my husband yesterday! I said to him "how did they pitch the show idea to him!"

And then I acted it out for him. And then he said to me, "oh no! Bear (what the hell kind of name is that???) went to them." And so then I had fun picturing the Man vs. Wild dude telling Discovery producers "so picture it, I'll be eating sheep's eyeball of the rotting corpses of dead sheep! What do you say? Do I get my own show???"

Anonymous said...

Since I don't have cable and only receive one channel ( PBS). I've (thankfully) only seen this show a few times. I think this, and most reality shows, are totally bogus, and the guy's an Idiot. Other than that it's great.

Jami said...

TSG, reality shows on TV are as real as wrestling on TV. And yes, the guy's an idiot but I bet he's not a POOR idiot.

Sher said...

It's the zillion dollars. Plus they fly in cheeseburgers and chili fries.

Never heard of that guy. If he's better than Bear, he's something.

I'm walking around in your head for I too act things out on a regular basis.

Get you some fresh tin foil for your rabbit ears.

Bet that! Totally not poor.

Jaesoreal said...

I have yet to meet anyone who needed any of the lessons he is teaching for my benefit. Who knows. I may need to know how to drink water from a rattlesnake's tail though!

Diesel said...

"One of my producers just told me the water thing is a no-go." LOL.

I wouldn't let them drop me anyplace more than a brisk 5 minute walk from a Target.

Sher said...

You can't tell me "knows how to drink water from a rattlesnake's tail" wouldn't look good on a resume.

Hey there guy! Actually, I'm with you on the Target thing... except 5 minutes is too long to walk.

Jo said...

We LOVE Man vs Wild in this house. The kids were in awe of the guy when he was dropped in the Australian outback and had to drink his own urine when he ran out of water.

My oldest said "They better be paying him ALOT for that one!". lol

Anonymous said...

I'll bet he'd enjoy a pouch of Jim's "special blend" RedMan.