Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I got your list right here.

I like lists. I like writing things down. Because I'm a caring person and because I suffer under the delusion that you care, I will now share some of my most recent lists with you.

Things I like to find in my office after a friend has dropped by to say hello while I was out.

1. Money.
2. Monkeys. (The trained kind... not the kind that bite off your thumbs.)
3. Naked Firefighters. (The gorgeous kind...not the kind that bite off your thumbs.)
4. Any combination of the above. Naked firefighters holding a wad of cash in one hand and a monkey in the other would be Christmas.

Things I do not like to find in my office after a visit from a friend.

1. Untrained monkeys. Although equally as cute as their trained counterparts, untrained monkeys can be messy.
2. Things that resemble brown snot in the seat of my chair.
3. Piles of melted brown and orange candies carefully placed in my desk drawer that would lead me to believe someone did in fact leave an untrained monkey for me and that before escaping back into the wild from whence it came, it experienced a violent bout of diarrhea after having eaten large quantities of Halloween candy.

Things to check before I leave for the office in the morning.

1. My teeth: to be sure I do not have lipstick on them.
2. My zipper: to be sure it's in the full upright position.
3. My iron: doesn't matter that I haven't ironed in four years. Obsessive-compulsives know that irons can spontaneously turn themselves on.

Things I like to find in my email inbox.

1. Dear Sher: I do love you, since you asked. You can wax me anytime. Great stuff....signed, a new avid reader and former southerner.
2. Dear Sher: How did you get to be so damn witty/funny? Life experiences? Do you have a journalism past? (Answer - no journalism past, but definitely a sordid one.)
3. Dear Sher: I have been a long time reader, seldom commenter, and I look forward to seeing what you have to say every day.

Things I don't like to find in my email inbox.

1. FW:
2. Increase your pleasure by getting a bigger joy stick.
3. Let's see if you really read your email.

People I like.

1. Santa
2. Elvis
3. That guy who stars in the TV show, "Life".

People I don't like.

1. All people who don't like me first.
2. The woman who was rude to me on the phone yesterday.
3. Mitt Romney... and I don't know why.

Things that I can't figure out no matter how many times I stay in a Holiday Inn Express.

1. Why buildings more than one story don't fall down.
2. How Karl Rove got the word out about Dumbledore so quickly.
3. Marriage.


Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

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Anonymous said...

Naked firefighters huh?

Maybe I could find you a couple simi-gorgeous loggers who are also volunteer firemen, wearing just belts and suspenders. With big peaveys.

Oh, before you get too excited.

A peavey is:
A wooden lever, six feet long, with a steel spike and adjustable hook at one end. Used for turning logs.

Anonymous said...

Oops, make that semi-gorgeous...Oh you know what I mean!

Anonymous said...

Have you read Dean Koontz's "Fear Nothing"? Because there are Monkeys in there..........

I'd really like to have a peavey!!

Jami said...

I just forwarded you an email on how to get a bigger peavey. Did you read it yet?

I love Life - the TV show, the board game, the old magazine, living, everything!

Anonymous said...


I receive 3 or 4 of those offers a day. They do send those to everyone don't they?

Those are mass mailings, right?

They have no access to medical records do they?

Sher said...


Working blue now are you? :-)


No. Are the monkeys scary??


You sound like you might break into song any minute now.



Anonymous said...

The monkey's in Fear Nothing are radically smart, and way scary!!