Thursday, October 25, 2007

I'm looking for that new friend smell.

I am in search of new friends. Not additional friends as in I'm going to keep the ones I have while I add to that number.

Nope. I mean I am cleaning house and getting some brand spanking new friends and the sooner, the better.

Here's why.

My current friends have never once asked me if I would like to go in halfsies in a Powerball ticket. Evidently they all want to be stupid rich and then have parties where they show slides of me eating out of a trash can.

One of my current friends continually threatens to break up with me. What kind of grown up threatens to break up when things don't go their way? I would never do something like that. When things don't go my way I do the adult thing and start a rumor that said friend confided in me that he has a tiny penis because he was in a freak French poodle accident.

I also need new friends because no friend of mine has ever asked if I would like to go caroling. And I would. I really would. I want to dress up in one of those caroler costumes with a big bonnet and force my religious beliefs on unsuspecting people in the comfort of their own home.

Plus I'd get to sing "God rest ye merry gentlemen". It makes me giggle.

Not one friend has ever started a drive to raise the funds necessary to get me one of those monkeys used in lab experiments. You know. The kind that have had to solve puzzles to get Vienna Sausages dropped through a tube so they're crazy smart.

A real friend should know that a crazy smart Vienna Sausage eating monkey would complete me.

The kind of friends I'm looking for have certain qualities that are terribly important.

First of all, they need to be devoted to me in a way that is just a little creepy. When I drop by their houses, I'd like to see an area... doesn't have to be a large area...with a photo of me and candles burning beneath it in my honor. Nothing elaborate. Just a little makeshift altar.

Second, they need to be available to me. When I can't sleep (like now), I should be able to call them and immediately be sung to sleep. I don't want any of those songs about me being in a cradle in a tree for some damn reason and then falling down either. I want a lullaby that is about me and if they really love me, I'm gonna want it to rhyme and have a happy ending. Maybe something about me being elected President or having eyes that melt even the hardest of hearts.

If you would like to submit your application to my circle, please contact humorwriter@gmail.com with your qualifications. References are optional, but rhyming is not.

Good luck.





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7 comments:

Jami said...

I was gonna send an app
but I can't rhyme worth crap.

TSG said...

How soon they forget......Sigh....
Check your own post dated 5/24/07
Entitled "I'm so happy I just threw up a rainbow".
You will find a cute monkey (wearing red shoes no less) holding a tin cup with the words "help me raise 1,000,000 for Sher." Are not stalkers friends?
Life has been cruel to me.

Sher said...

Jami,

You're a poet and you know it.

TSG,

Oh Toad Suck Guy. Of course you are my special stalking friend. How rude of me to forget such an act of kindness. How will you ever forgive me?

Flutterby said...

I'll be your long distance crazy OCD birthday sharing friend. As long as you really don't expect a rhyme.

TSG said...

A princess never requires forgiveness!

Allowing me to wallow in my misery is reward enough.

Thank you. Thank you

Sher said...

Flutter,

April 24th is the best! Woo-hoo! We rule!

TSG,

Wallow away. I'm sweet like that.

Jaesoreal said...

Great stuff!