Monday, November 19, 2007

The husband did it. Always.

For the past many weeks, I have done little more than work. I go to work early, I come home late and that includes weekends. I feel like my brain is fried and not in a good chemically induced way.

Although my schedule has left me little time to stay up to date on current events, I have kept a close eye on the whole Drew and Stacy Peterson case. As you may have heard, my best friend The Evil Red-Headed Berta Lou and I are acclaimed crime investigators. Many, many crimes of varying sorts and severity have been solved by the two of us over a couple drinks. A staggering 100% of the cases in which we have become involved have been successfully solved, which means a whole 2% of our findings have been correct.

I’m going to color you impressed.

For those of you who live in a cave and only come out to read Wiping the Crazy off My Face once a month, Drew Peterson is, excuse me, WAS, a police officer who some years ago managed to hypnotize a sixteen year old girl, Staci, into thinking that although he was thirty years her senior, he was not a creepy pedophile.

As the wife of a cop, a friend of cops and a big fan of cops, I can say with some authority that most of them are not icky old men who spend their shifts picking up teenage girls. In the interest of truth however, I should also tell you that often enough, a man who is entirely ugly and utterly goofy can put on a badge and seem interesting for just long enough to capture the attention of a female. I’m guessing that’s exactly what happened here.

Although solving a crime is a lot of hard work and can sometime take up to twenty-five minutes, I am going to let you in on the process the Evil BL and I go through so that you can take a look at all the facts and come to your own conclusions about THE KILLER’S guilt or innocence.

Fact one: It was with the afore-mentioned magical powers of the badge that old man Drew enticed little girl Stacy.

He’s guilty.

Fact two: Drew Peterson has been married a bunch of times. As a woman who enjoys getting married for fun and profit, I cannot in good conscience convict someone of something sinister on the basis of their love of the I Do. If getting married every time you change the batteries in your smoke detectors makes you a killer, I may as well get a prison tattoo and pack my bags.

He’s not guilty.

Fact three: One of his ex-wives is dead and after exhuming her body, a coroner has said she died in a suspicious way. A coroner using the word suspicious can only mean one thing.

He’s guilty.

Fact four: Peterson says his missing wife is not really dead, she’s just hiding out with a guy somewhere. I know if I were a young woman who woke up one day and realized I was married to Captain Old Testicles, it’s reasonable to assume I would hide out somewhere with a guy whose testicles were considerably younger.

He’s not guilty.

Fact five: During his first interview with Matt Lauer, he did not cry. If ever Mr. Man is being interviewed by the gorgeous Today Show host about me and he is not blowing snot bubbles and screaming my name in agony, he killed me.

He’s guilty.

Fact six: During his second interview with Matt Lauer, he brought his attorney and barely said a word. If I go missing and Mr. Man so much as takes an attorney to McDonald’s, he killed me. Alert the FBI, Interpol and Sam’s Club.

He’s guilty.

Fact seven: I don’t like Drew Peterson. I don’t like the cut of his jib. He is unattractive and he probably smells bad. He wears ugly ties and his mustache looks like something from a 70’s Sears and Roebuck catalog model. While I don’t believe in judging a book by its cover, I do believe in convicting people of homicide based on how they look and act on television. It’s the American way.

After thorough investigation, you can clearly see the guilties have it. Lock him and his old balls up and hide the key somewhere on the muscle bound person of his sexually frustrated jail cell-mate Marco.

And your vote?




Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com

Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.

Blogroll Me!


Add to My Yahoo!

9 comments:

Flutterby said...

I never understood the amount of ego these men must have to think they can get away with something like this these days. He got away with it the first time because he was a cop. He's going down for that one too now. I also don't understand what rock these men must live under when they plan something like this because they sure must never watch Forensic Files... or CSI... cause if they did, they would know how to better their chances of getting away with it.

Jami said...

He's guilty. Too smug and too distant from everyone else except himself. Also, judging from what others have said about his relationship with the currently missing wife, he's a classic controlling abuser. Guilty.

Besides, I don't like him either.

Donna said...

I think they need to give you a spot on "Women's Murder Club." You can replace that whiny blonde DA. It would be an improvement.

karendelaney said...

A truly concise and well thought out wrap up. I can see why you and the Evil One solve all your cases. Any pervert who dangles his old crusty balls all over a 16 year-old is obviously guilty of all kinds of stuff. Murder? Sure. Crack? Probably. BO? Without a doubt. Plumbers' Butt? Absolutely. Probably steals newspapers and doesn't return his library books either. The Bastard.

TSG said...

Some of the time you CAN judge a book by its cover. This lowlife is GUILTY.

Sher said...

Flutter,

I know, right? Watch a little CSI before you kill someone.

Jami,

I concur and I'm glad you concur with me. We are concurring all over the place.

Donna,

Please submit a letter of reference on my behalf.

Karen,

If the Evil One ever hangs up here crime fighting apron, I'll consider you for his slot.

TSG,

Exactly! Let's go get him and beat it out of him.

suburbancorrespondent said...

I love your blog.

FerdC said...

Yep. Guilty. Hang him high.

But I'm here in defense of "old men." What the hell? Captain old testicles? crusty old balls?!? I've just spent a minute... well okay several minutes, examining my balls, and I found no crust... well okay not much.

Oldy moldy,
FerdC.

Sher said...

FerdC,

Thank you so much for the unsolicited ball report. ;-)