For the past many weeks, I have done little more than work. I go to work early, I come home late and that includes weekends. I feel like my brain is fried and not in a good chemically induced way.
Although my schedule has left me little time to stay up to date on current events, I have kept a close eye on the whole Drew and Stacy Peterson case. As you may have heard, my best friend The Evil Red-Headed Berta Lou and I are acclaimed crime investigators. Many, many crimes of varying sorts and severity have been solved by the two of us over a couple drinks. A staggering 100% of the cases in which we have become involved have been successfully solved, which means a whole 2% of our findings have been correct.
I’m going to color you impressed.
For those of you who live in a cave and only come out to read Wiping the Crazy off My Face once a month, Drew Peterson is, excuse me, WAS, a police officer who some years ago managed to hypnotize a sixteen year old girl, Staci, into thinking that although he was thirty years her senior, he was not a creepy pedophile.
As the wife of a cop, a friend of cops and a big fan of cops, I can say with some authority that most of them are not icky old men who spend their shifts picking up teenage girls. In the interest of truth however, I should also tell you that often enough, a man who is entirely ugly and utterly goofy can put on a badge and seem interesting for just long enough to capture the attention of a female. I’m guessing that’s exactly what happened here.
Although solving a crime is a lot of hard work and can sometime take up to twenty-five minutes, I am going to let you in on the process the Evil BL and I go through so that you can take a look at all the facts and come to your own conclusions about THE KILLER’S guilt or innocence.
Fact one: It was with the afore-mentioned magical powers of the badge that old man Drew enticed little girl Stacy.
Fact two: Drew Peterson has been married a bunch of times. As a woman who enjoys getting married for fun and profit, I cannot in good conscience convict someone of something sinister on the basis of their love of the I Do. If getting married every time you change the batteries in your smoke detectors makes you a killer, I may as well get a prison tattoo and pack my bags.
He’s not guilty.
Fact three: One of his ex-wives is dead and after exhuming her body, a coroner has said she died in a suspicious way. A coroner using the word suspicious can only mean one thing.
Fact four: Peterson says his missing wife is not really dead, she’s just hiding out with a guy somewhere. I know if I were a young woman who woke up one day and realized I was married to Captain Old Testicles, it’s reasonable to assume I would hide out somewhere with a guy whose testicles were considerably younger.
He’s not guilty.
Fact five: During his first interview with Matt Lauer, he did not cry. If ever Mr. Man is being interviewed by the gorgeous Today Show host about me and he is not blowing snot bubbles and screaming my name in agony, he killed me.
Fact six: During his second interview with Matt Lauer, he brought his attorney and barely said a word. If I go missing and Mr. Man so much as takes an attorney to McDonald’s, he killed me. Alert the FBI, Interpol and Sam’s Club.
Fact seven: I don’t like Drew Peterson. I don’t like the cut of his jib. He is unattractive and he probably smells bad. He wears ugly ties and his mustache looks like something from a 70’s Sears and Roebuck catalog model. While I don’t believe in judging a book by its cover, I do believe in convicting people of homicide based on how they look and act on television. It’s the American way.
After thorough investigation, you can clearly see the guilties have it. Lock him and his old balls up and hide the key somewhere on the muscle bound person of his sexually frustrated jail cell-mate Marco.
And your vote?
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.