1. I am thankful I did not get my first husband’s name tattooed on my thigh. Or my second husband’s. Or any husbands.
2. I am thankful I do not have big boobs because if I did, I would spend all my time figuring out new ways to develop my evil boobie power and I wouldn’t get anything else done. I know for sure I’d use them to get free stuff like jewelry and tires, but I’ll bet there’s a lot more they could do if I spent way too much time thinking about it.
3. I am thankful for monkeys. I am always thankful for monkeys.
4. I am thankful I am a gifted fire baton twirler. The skill of lighting things on fire, spinning them through my fingers and passing them back and forth under my legs has made me who I am today: a woman with no leg hair.
5. I am thankful that I know Rachel Ray is the devil. My thankfulness would be greatly increased however if I could beat her up. Before she used her evil boobie power to gain control of all media, I had Mr. Man and the Big Dog convinced that Cooking Sherry was something women named Sherri are supposed to drink while cooking. Kitchen sobriety sucks, Rachel.
6. I am thankful nobody knows my middle name is Lynn.
7. I am thankful I am not rich because if I were, I wouldn’t speak to any of my friends again and I’m sure I’d miss them. Of course I’d have my new, rich friends to help ease my sorrow, but I’d feel a deep sadness every time I passed a bowling alley or a can of Pork n’ Beans. (Disclaimer: I am not implying my friends hang out in bowling alleys and eat canned beans….but they do.)
8. I am thankful I have seen both coasts, four foreign countries, the Rocky Mountains and an Elvis impersonator whose sequined jump suit was six inches too short and whose white tennis shoes were carefully secured with Velcro.
9. I am thankful for puppies and rainbows and yarn and sweet crap like that.
10. I am thankful I did not have a book published this year. Having to do a forty-seven state book tour, the Today Show and Oprah would have really put a dent in my binge drinking.
I wish I had written this.
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