Tuesday, November 06, 2007

P is for Plastic and Prince Bait and Plane Ticket.

Today my boss handed me a brand spanking new, super shiny credit card with my name right on the front. I felt like Steve Martin in The Jerk when he got his name in the phone book.

"So what do I do with it?" I asked.

She replied with, "Are you even a girl?"

And then I hit her.

No, I didn't hit her. Physically anyway. I hit her mentally. Really hard. She cried. It was awesome.

Now that I've had a couple hours to stew on it, I've come up with the Top Ten Things I Am Going to Do With My New Company Credit Card. How you like me now, Boss Lady?

10. This weekend I saw some black purses with pink feathers and rhinestones in the shape of a crown on them. They were the work of none other than Paris Hilton and as they featured crowns on them, I'm thinking they must be what the Royals wear. (Oueens and Kings, not the team.) I plan to purchase one or ninety and carry them everywhere I go because I feel certain Paris wouldn't steer me wrong. If I'm ever going to pick up the Prince of Arachnia in Wal-mart, I need some Prince bait. I'm thinking feathery purses are to Princes what stinkbait is to catfish.

9. Two words: Potbelly Pig. I'm no pig farmer (sadly), but I would say those things produce a lot of bacon and I do so enjoy bacon.

8. A Bedazzler.

7. Stuff to Bedazzle.

6. Some junk for hobo's so God doesn't get mad at me. I don't know for sure what they enjoy, but gun to my head, I think it has something to do with open fires and beans. To be safe I'll probably pick up like a case of charcoal briquettes, several bags of pork n' beans and a gross of fingerless gloves.

5. A hot air balloon ride. Not for me though because I'm terrified of both heights and hot air. But I do think Mr. Man would appreciate it.

4. Life insurance on Mr. Man. How much does it cost to insure someone for eight million dollars? What the heck. The company is paying for it.

3. A plane ticket for Michael Buble to come visit me as I work to get over Mr. Man's untimely, totally unforeseen and absolutely not planned hot air balloon accident.

2. Let's call it a large tip for Javier, the hot air balloon driver.

1. A helper monkey like the ones I saw in a book. Maybe even a whole gaggle of helper monkeys. They can clean for me, do laundry for me, and when I'm at work, they can feed Michael Buble his Buble Chow through the bars of his cage.

Oh don't even act like you didn't know I was looking for a reason to make you listen to Michale Buble again. I love him terrible.

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Nancy said...

never, Never, NEVER think you need a REASON to have anyone listen to Michael Buble ... *sigh* I wish he was my roommate.

Sher said...

I KNOW!!!! He's perfect, right?

Jami said...

If you get a boy pot-bellied pig and a girl PBP, you could have an ENDLESS SUPPLY of bacon. BACON!! Maybe with some left over for your friends. And it's no coincidence that Bacon and Buble both start with 'B'. (Now I'm wondering if "Big O" starts with a 'B' or if it's always just about the 'O'.)

Anonymous said...

Spider prince? {squigging out}

Oh, and it's a "troop" of Monkey's.

Jami - It's ALWAYS about the O!!

Sher said...

I respect and admire you're plan for an endless supply of bacon. I'm equally impressed at how seamlessly you went into, "left over for your friends". Point taken.

THANK YOU! Spider Prince!

How much do I love that you know it's a "troop of monkeys"? A lot, Bunny. The answer is I love it a lot.

Flutterby said...

Yea you just try and send a REALY spider over Bunny's way and see what happens... LOL

Now Sher... how can you tell us you made her cry and not even tell us what you SAID????

Anonymous said...

Trust me on this one!
It would be much more convenient for you to just charge the cost of your bacon (and your friends) to your new credit card. Unless of course you can get Michael Buble (whoever that is) to butcher your hogs for you. BTW Pot Bellies are great pets, but make lousy fatty bacon.

Sher said...


A lady never makes someone weep and then tells. ;-)


You are truly a multi-purpose stalker. Thanks for stopping me from making a costly bacon mistake.