Today my boss handed me a brand spanking new, super shiny credit card with my name right on the front. I felt like Steve Martin in The Jerk when he got his name in the phone book.
"So what do I do with it?" I asked.
She replied with, "Are you even a girl?"
And then I hit her.
No, I didn't hit her. Physically anyway. I hit her mentally. Really hard. She cried. It was awesome.
Now that I've had a couple hours to stew on it, I've come up with the Top Ten Things I Am Going to Do With My New Company Credit Card. How you like me now, Boss Lady?
10. This weekend I saw some black purses with pink feathers and rhinestones in the shape of a crown on them. They were the work of none other than Paris Hilton and as they featured crowns on them, I'm thinking they must be what the Royals wear. (Oueens and Kings, not the team.) I plan to purchase one or ninety and carry them everywhere I go because I feel certain Paris wouldn't steer me wrong. If I'm ever going to pick up the Prince of Arachnia in Wal-mart, I need some Prince bait. I'm thinking feathery purses are to Princes what stinkbait is to catfish.
9. Two words: Potbelly Pig. I'm no pig farmer (sadly), but I would say those things produce a lot of bacon and I do so enjoy bacon.
8. A Bedazzler.
7. Stuff to Bedazzle.
6. Some junk for hobo's so God doesn't get mad at me. I don't know for sure what they enjoy, but gun to my head, I think it has something to do with open fires and beans. To be safe I'll probably pick up like a case of charcoal briquettes, several bags of pork n' beans and a gross of fingerless gloves.
5. A hot air balloon ride. Not for me though because I'm terrified of both heights and hot air. But I do think Mr. Man would appreciate it.
4. Life insurance on Mr. Man. How much does it cost to insure someone for eight million dollars? What the heck. The company is paying for it.
3. A plane ticket for Michael Buble to come visit me as I work to get over Mr. Man's untimely, totally unforeseen and absolutely not planned hot air balloon accident.
2. Let's call it a large tip for Javier, the hot air balloon driver.
1. A helper monkey like the ones I saw in a book. Maybe even a whole gaggle of helper monkeys. They can clean for me, do laundry for me, and when I'm at work, they can feed Michael Buble his Buble Chow through the bars of his cage.
Oh don't even act like you didn't know I was looking for a reason to make you listen to Michale Buble again. I love him terrible.
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