Thursday, November 08, 2007

Expect to see Hillary Clinton with one in her hand.

"Mom, you look younger today," said my 13 year old, freakishly tall son as we sat at the table.

I kind of loved those words actually. So much so in fact, I was going to shush the whole house so I could sit for a moment and ponder them. I looked younger, after all. Younger that what, I didn't care. I didn't even care that his statement could only mean I looked older yesterday. All that mattered in the world was that my boy thought I looked younger.

Until he finished his sentence. "Are you doing something different because your face looks less wrinkley than it usually does?"

Then all that mattered in the world was getting a ladder from the garage, climbing up to the top with a blunt object and hitting him on top of his head.

It isn't just my male child that makes the stupidest, most insensitive remarks and then is genuinely surprised when I strike him. It is all males, mine or otherwise. Men are hurtful creatures by nature, even when they are genuinely trying not to be.

I've often wondered over my lifetime what the real function of the male penis is, even though several people have assured me that this science was settled quite some time ago. These same people also assured me that it is offensive to leave my scientific doodled penis drawings all over the place.

Could it be that the way to the sensitive part of a man is through his penis? Is it conceivable that a male's ability to be kind and say something completely nice and then shut the hell up is controlled by a little microchip in his Vera Wang?

I guess this means only one thing, ladies. As bad as I hate to do it, we're all gonna have to band together, suck it up and Lorena Bobbit all the males in our lives. If we have the microchip, we control the world!!!

Insert evil laugh here, but not too loud. I have a cough.

Men will tell us we're pretty, they'll beg us to tell them more about our teenage years and they'll never pretend a stray buzzard stole the beautiful Valentine's card it took him weeks to pick out right as we was licking the envelope.

Now's the time! Chicks unite! I'll count down from 5 and then we'll all sneak into the rooms of our sleeping testosterone holders and do what must be done. Tomorrow you can tell me how it went. Ready? 5.....4.......I'm a little nervous....3.....what if he wakes up and sees me....2.....what the hell I'll just tell him I need new sketch ideas.....GO!

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Flutterby said...

But the problem with that is that the *controllers* are in those little saddle bags on the sides... *snicker*. So you'd have to take the whole... ahem... package. Or at least think of it like *fixin'* the dog. (And I typoed that as "god" at first.. think something is wrong with me this morning? I probably need to go Clorox my brain after reading part of Courtney Love's blog.)

Sher said...

Courtney Love's Blog??????

I can't believe you got Courtney Love cooties all over my comment form. This is gonna take forever to clean up.

Anonymous said...

Kinda like when my Sonny Boy told me, after I bought a very expensive hair extension:
Mom are you really going to wear your hair like that to work? I hope no one laughs at you.

Anonymous said...

I'm forwarding a link to your blog to everyone who has expressed amazement when I tell them I've never been married. (expect a lot of hits)'Cause that's pretty much everyone in the world!
You been talkin' to Spaz?

Diesel said...

My wife can't even squash her own spiders.

Anonymous said...

Come to think, go ahead and bump me down the PHL, a notch or two.

I'm not in a rush to part with any of my parts.

Art said...

I was going to send my wife a link to this blog, but, I think I'll erase my cookies, delete my browser, burn my computer, and reformat my cerebral cortex.

Flutterby said...

Oh Sher you gotta check out the Love's blog, LOL.. Over at Mamarazzi there's a link. It's priceless.