Christmas is the very bestest day in the whole year. The bestest.
However, this past week I've heard some things here, there and yonder that lead me to believe I need to offer some helpful holiday hints to those of you who are apparently festive-challenged and are therefore threatening to ruin it for the kid in all of us.
Ten Things You'd Better NOT Do at Christmas:
10. I heard a woman say that each year she individually wraps batteries to look like pretty rolls of candy and drops them in the kids' stockings. If there is a Christmas hell, she's going there. Don't do that.
9. Children under the age of fifty do not want pajamas for Christmas. Even pajamas that have penguins sledding with Santa on the front. Don't do that.
8. Lemon drops are not a Christmas candy and should never be put in a stocking, holiday dish or anywhere else a child might confuse it for real Christmas candy. Neither are cough drops...even the kind that taste like candy. Don't do that.
7. Shiny pennies, dimes, or quarters are not gifts. Ever. Don't do that.
6. Toys from the Dollar Store are not just as good as the "real thing" no matter how much money you are saving or how loudly you say it while having lunch with your friends. All children know this. Don't do that.
5. Just because those boxers are stuffed in a pretend beer can does not mean the brain of the guy opening them is somehow tricked by the Coors logo into thinking he is popping the top on a real beer can. It's still underwear. Don't do that.
4. If you currently have a fruitcake with a bow on it that is meant as a gift for someone in your life, I will assume you are trying to get them out of your life. Don't do that.
3. Teddy bears dressed in Christmas outfits are the devil. No child has ever put one in their Dear Santa letter. Don't do that.
2. Vests, sweatshirts, jackets, hats, T-shirts and any other piece of apparel that is emblazoned with a Christmas theme is not OK. Who wants a gift they can use for all of one day? Don't do that.
1. If more than anything in life little Johnny wants a race track that comes in one-thousand easy to assemble pieces and little Susie wants a doll house that you know you are going to have to spend eighteen straight hours putting together, don't buy them Twister because it's more logical and they can't lose the pieces. Logic has no place Christmas morning and kids shouldn't have to deal with logic anyway until at least puberty. Don't do that.
My Christmas wish for all of you is that on Christmas Eve, when you go to bed and snuggle under the covers, that wonderful feeling of hope you had when you were six washes over you and makes it hard to sleep.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and much love,
Enjoy the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. My very, very favorite.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.