Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Wonder what the street value is on corn?

Dear Santa,

As I have not heard from you since we broke up, I thought I'd be the grown up here and contact you.

You're welcome.

This year I'm going to make it very easy on you with regard to my Christmas wish list. Feel free to forget things like jewelry, shoes and ponies. I've got plenty of all those things already. Hell, I've been through so many lucrative divorces, I've even got ponies wearing shoes and jewelry. (I keep them locked in the bathroom when I'm at work so they don't tinkle on the carpet.)

Nope. I don't need any fancy presents to open on the 25th. What I want isn't anything you can buy in a store.

More than anything else this Christmas, Dear Santa, I'd like to find a big pile of those magical corn snacks you feed your reindeer in my stocking.

The other night while I was watching your authorized biography "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" on the Family Channel, I started thinking how weird it is you don't hand out magic corn each year. I mean seriously, SC. You gotta know kids would go crazy for vegetables that make you fly.

Of course you know the vegetable lobby in this country is almost as powerful as the NRA. If you got kids to thinking eating corn might even possibly result in flying, corn futures would go through the roof.

(I have no idea if I correctly used the word "futures" there, but it sounded right and that's really all the matters.)

But I digress. Whether or not you make flying corn available to the general gift receiving public, I deeply desire some for my very own personal use. You'll remember I'm terrified of heights, but I figure if I only fly inside the house and never while drinking, I'll be OK.

Frankly the idea of floating over my sofa for no good reason sort of tickles me.

At least once before I die, I'd like to be able to fly to my refrigerator, back to my bedroom and maybe on a clear day, take aerial photos of my washing machine.

My son would be like, "Hey, where's Mom?" and I could be all, "Here I am. I'm just chillin' up here by the ceiling".

Look Santa, I don't especially want to bring up any of our history here, but we both know you owe me. Don't forget that I know stuff about you. Potentially embarrassing stuff. Stuff that involves Brittney Spears, two drunk elves and Danny Partridge in a pear tree.

Just drop a Ziploc full of spiced up corn under my tree and nobody ever has to know.

Until next year.

Merry Christmas to you, over and out, good night and good luck,

Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
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Jami said...

Funny you should mention it because I have been known to hover in mid-air after drinking heavily. At least, it feels like that to me.

Hey, I wonder if you just ate like half a kernel of that magic corn would you be 15 pounds lighter? If so, I smell a VERY lucrative market! (or I forgot to wash my feet)

Anonymous said...

I thought you got your corn from a Mason jar, just like we do.

Anonymous said...

You know, I am married to (and sleeping with!) a farmer who grows corn. Acres and Acres of the stuff. Maybe we can tie up Santa when he comes down the chimeny and force him to give us the recipe or a starter corn plant.
Then we could fly where ever we wanted to.
First up for me: Nashville (Smashville) TN, then Vegas!! Or Wal-mart!

Sher said...


I'm betting you really do hover. I've always thought as much. Halo and all.


Yep. Did you further know that once two strangers looking for a moonshine still in my neighborhood ain't been seen since? Reckon they never will.


It's one thing to be married to him, but must you sleep with him? It just causes problems for other women when the word gets out.

Carrie Sue said...

You're too funny! If you do get the corn, let me know, I'll be asking for some next year :o)

Anonymous said...

I forgot to remind you earlier(I hope it's not too late).
Be very careful not to leave fingerprints on the tape when you wrap your gifts!!!!

Flutterby said...

But Sher... have you SEEN Bunny's hubby?? And she absolutely REFUSED to trade with me. I can't imagine why...

Sher said...

Carrie Sue,

I promise to tell you. You'll know I got some if you see me floating over the Superbowl.


Always good advice.


Hmmm. A man I need to see??? I'm on it.

Anonymous said...

Back off my MAN!! HE is the reason I am Medium Maintenance!!!
He once bought me a brand new corn planter for Valentines day. I know Judo and a few other foriegn words and I'm not afraid to use them!!!

Sher said...

You lost me at corn planter.