Wednesday, January 21, 2009

So talk to me like we're BFF's.

I think I'm depressed. The kind of depressed that causes good women to wind up on the 6 o'clock news.

I start sentences I can't finish about things that make absolutely....

See what I mean? I have no idea where I was going with that. :-)

Maybe it's the recession or maybe it's the cold weather or maybe it's because I've been sick. All I know is that something's not right under my skin and I can't figure it out - which means I can't find a solution.

And I'm a solution kind of girl.

Tell me please, has there been a time in your life when you would wake up and wonder what the hell you're doing? Did you question yourself, your abilities, and even the reasons behind the things you do each and every day?

While my Mother-in-law was in the process of dying in those final days, I was exhausted in a way I can't explain. I felt like even the cells in my body were tired. My husband and I were running on almost no sleep and survived on handfuls of chips or bites of something we could eat quickly.

But even so, we both felt a sense of clarity and purpose unlike ever before and that has left us questioning everything in our lives since she died. He gets up five days a week and goes to a job where he is unhappy and I do the same. We meet at the end of the day, when I'm not traveling that is, kiss good night and prepare for our own version of Ground Hog Day.

"Get new jobs" might be the first thing you would suggest and in another place and time, maybe that would have been the answer. In our part of the world anyway, jobs of any kind - good or bad - are valuable real estate. You can't get your hands on them.

We continually hear, "Do what you love and the money will follow," but I'm not at all sure whoever coined that phrase had to worry about things like health care and big utility bills and the tremendous expense that is a growing teenage boy. Where is the intersection of fulfillment and practicality?

I want to know what you think - or you may see me at the top of that water tower I'm always threatening to climb. Film at 11.

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Flutterby said...

Nearly every day for the past 3 and a half weeks. One of these days I will pull myself out of it far enough to crank my blog back up and talk about it. And most people will think the reason to be utterly ridiculous to have caused me this much heartache and grief. They can bite me. I am a pretty good shot... if you ever need help up on the tower...

Flutterby said...

And I didn't even try to address your real question... I am just kind of in the same boat. Two teens and their seemingly endless drama... day in and day out drudgery slogging along one foot barely making it in front of the other and you often don't even want to gnaw through the straps and get out of bed every morning. Sometimes it's managed because it's a *have to*. I don't even work and it still feels the same to me as what you describe. New jobs are just not in the cards for pretty much anyone these days. Most people consider themselves quite fortunate to have the job they HAVE. It also doesn't help that it's just that time of year when everything is brown and dormant or dead... I think it happens to our feelings as well... buried until spring. What to do? I have no idea. Once enjoyable hobbies hold no appeal. The house needs some work and I actually did throw in a load of laundry this morning but... ick. It's housework. It's certainly not something that's going to pull me out of the pit.

Flutterby said...

I could so easily turn myself into an alcoholic. Maybe the fact that I consider it a challenge to NOT become one is what gives me hope. I don't often back down from a challenge.

Sher said...

Flutter - You hit the nail on the head: "often don't even want to gnaw through the straps to get out of bed". That's it. Every morning I think I can't keep having all this sameness another day.

Flutterby said...

Ok Sher.. here is how I see some of it for you... while mom was there and needed you so much, you guys did have *purpose*. You were needed. You loved her and she needed you and you were able to do something for her that no one else could. That is a really good and powerful thing. Her death left a void in that part of you in many different ways. Teens don't *need* you in the way they did when they were small and every move they made depended in some way, on you. So you don't have that same feeling from them either. I don't have a solution. I am not sure there really is one unless you live somewhere in which there are things to do away from home that you enjoy... there certainly isn't anything here that we haven't done a bazillion times, so I know how that goes. I don't know if understanding some of what the problem is can help or not. And I know you've probably figured it out mostly for yourself anyway but I just thought I'd throw a few more of my cents worth into the pot. I figured pointing it out was something to do since I am done with the fun of stuffing another load of laundry into the washer...

Elizabeth said...

Here's what you do: put your coat on and take a walk outside. First off the excercise helps and more importantly soaking in some vitamin d from the good 'ol sun. For real, go do it, you will only waste 20 minutes of your time.

Brent Diggs said...

I have found that my sense of purpose and my sense of wonder and the two easiest things for me to lose these days.

You can struggle on without one or the other, but when both are gone there's nothing left but chocolate.

I recently stumbled over a small leftover scrap of purpose, but if you see my wonder anywhere please send it this way.

Sher said...

Flutter - I appreciate everything you said and I think it makes sense. I really do.

Elizabeth - Some sunshine couldn't hurt. I work, work, work and I never just go outside and breathe.

Brent - If I find your wonder, I'm keeping it. Sue me.

Cher said...

Elizabeth is right about exercise. It lifts depression better than a pill.

Think this is one of the stages of grief? "They" say it takes one month for every year you were in a relationship to get through the grieving period of a divorce or death. "They" also say don't do anything drastic (like sell a house, change jobs, get divorced, etc.) for one year after a death of a loved one.

Time heals big depressions and little depressions. Talking (blogging?) about it does too.

The Texas Woman

Sher said...

Cher - I need to hop back in the Wii Fit tomorrow. I've felt too crappy to move for any other reason than to grab a Kleenex.

Talking does help. Having you all talk back is even better.

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

Found you via flutter. Girl you sound just like I did a few years ago. Plus you have had stuff just heaped on! You know it really can be true depression. That will just not go away. You literally need some chemicals put INTO your brain. ~grins~ and not the way that flutter would do it.

Jami said...

OK - so I'm late to the party. Story of my life but this time it's for a good reason: I'm just working myself to death while ignoring everyone.
It's not that I have any kind of suicide wish or work ethic. The only ethic I have is avoidance of unemployment, foreclosure and respossession. So I go with that to get my ass out of bed every day. Maybe that will work for you. I'm going to blame the cold and the dark of winter for making everyone feeling so shitty. I don't remember being depressed like this in the summer when it's hot and bright. Or at least I think it's hot and bright in the summer because right now I'm not sure I remember summer, either.

Sher said...

Princess - Mmmmm. Chemicals.

Jami - Darling, you should be a motivational speaker.