Saturday, January 24, 2009

Rest in Peaches

If I wanted to kill myself, do you think sticking my head in the oven would be a good way to do it? Would I die or would my head just get really hot?

I'm never sure what temperature to cook a roast, much less my own head. Even if I decided to bake it at a slow 325, I'm notorious for under cooking everything so chances are I'd take myself out before I was done.

That's my problem. I can't commit.

I can't do it with pills either because I don't have any of the good ones. The best I could do would be to take a half empty bottle of Children's Chewable Cold & Cough that's been in my medicine chest since 1999. It wouldn't kill me but I would be delightfully less mucus filled and God help me, I find that idea pretty appealing.

My Father once tied a string to my loose tooth and also to a door. When he slammed the door shut, he had every expectation my tooth would fly from my mouth. It did not. That has nothing to do with this column, but I thought it might give you some insight into my fragile mental state.

I saw a guy on TLC who was killing himself with food. He weighed about a thousand pounds and just laid around with a sheet over his business while sucking back buttered biscuits with peach preserves and whole geese.

That seems doable. I have a sheet, I can make my own biscuits pretty much any time I want and there are a whole bunch of raw geese at the park.

I could do that. I could totally do that.


Please play this at my funeral.

Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Tell me you love me at:

Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.


AnnieOfBlueGables said...

I'm sorry you feel so depressed. I feel like every blog I have read lately, people all over are feeling the same way.
I'm wondering if it is the bleak January month that brings it on. We all need more fresh air and sunshine.
Wish I could make you laugh or something.
Thinking of you

Sher said...

Annie - Aw Honey, I'm just a joshing. Not about eating myself stupid though. I never joke about gluttony.

Elizabeth said...

Some people might think this is funny but I don't, mom. :(
Why don't you and Harry go on a vacation?? The one to Ft Myers Beach in Florida that Guy and I plan on going on at the end of June is only $1000.
Getting away could do you guys good - you've never really been on a vaca. Visiting family doesn't count. Consider it.

Sher said...

Dear Daughter - Chillax. Mommy isn't really going to stick my head in the oven.

I might eat myself to death though. It's a good way to get on TV.

AnnieOfBlueGables said...

Chocolate: It's not just for Breakfast anymore.

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

I could not do it the oven method. Mine is built into the wall and is up off the floor. The door would get into the way.

I do not want to see you on the 6:00 news when they have to tear out a wall in your house to get you out.

Sher said...

Annie - Amen Sister.

Princess - At least I'd be famous.

Flutterby said...

Chocolate. But not too much. And the occasional shot of tequila helps too. But not with the chocolate. Just trust me on that one. And the word verification that I just shut down in order to add this was "suckgf". I swear.

Jami said...

The problem with the biscuits and goose approach is that sooner or later you get to a point where you get too big to get up and cook (much less catch) a goose or bake biscuits. And then you lose weight and have to start all over. I'm going to vote for Flutter's chocolate and tequila approach. That sounds doable to me, especially if you lay in really big supply of both before you start. Oh, and you need a big screen TV to watch to keep boredom at bay while eating and drinking ... unless you want to die of boredom, that is.

Sher said...

Flutter - I will trust you on that. I really will.

Jami - I've seen it work on TLC! Of course I'll need some minions to do my bidding, but I can probably find some on Craigslist.

Cher said...

A thousand pounds? A sheet over his business? So it was a king size sheet, don't ya think? i got this visual I can't get rid of thanks to you...

The Texas Woman

Sher said...

Cher - You're welcome.

Cher said...

hmmmm, maybe I didn't make myself clear! It wasn't a good thing, you toot!

The Texas Woman

Sher said...

Now Cher - you can't tell me an image of a thousand pound guy wearing nothing but a sheet and a smile is a bad thing. Big boys need loving too.