Saturday, March 07, 2009

Dear Sher....a note from my stalker

If you're a new reader, you may want to meet TSG - the official WTCOMF stalker so you're up to speed. He's been around the blog a long time.

Dear Sher,

I've been reminiscing over some of your old posts, and our many virtual adventures. Things have sure changed over the last three or four years. You accurately predicted the end of my carefree bachelor days (at the tender age of 45) early on, when I first met Jane and you nicknamed her PJ. Why you chose "Poor Jane" when she is SO fortunate to have me, I still haven't figured out. And she likes sleeveless shirts!

I was reading some of your advice regarding "Spaz" and her visit. Good stuff. The episode with "Chaw", as Jami named him, was pretty good too. Just not having as much fun now. And I expected that when the OM retired. Just not much funny stuff to write about anymore. Sad and, as I mentioned, the old Rollahome is gone. I burnt it in three piles, and PJ shoved the remains into a hole I had dug. She seemed to enjoy that a lot.

Gone are my dreams of you and I residing happily in the "Old Rollahome" in wedded hillbilly bliss, eating Liver Mush, for at least 3 or 4 months, until the divorce, or you killed me. I figure I'd never make it past hunting season, bringing in those critters for you to cut-up. Perhaps when I ascend the to the top of the PHL, I can find another 1968 mobile home of the same quality, only with running water. I've gotten used to that now and kinda like it.

It will soon be time for Fudd to start doing float trips, and get this, PJ is going to be working running the commissary boat, helping set up camp and cooking while I am working! I've created a monster. She loves the outdoors. We won't have to worry about that will we. Fudd Dosen't even seem to mind that PJ is going to help when I can't. Should I be concerned here?

I miss the old days. No cares, and responsibilities. No Sisters around 24-7 (that's another story) but not a funny one.

Got any advice?

Your devoted stalker,

Dear TSG,

You know when I think about it, I realize you and I have been together as stalker and stalkee longer than I have had most of my husbands. Which leads me to ask, where are my monthly checks? And why don't I have half your stuff?

Now that we have the legalities out of the way, I have to tell you that I understand why you feel there is nothing funny to write about any more. Marriage is often like having a fork thrust repeatedly in your eye while being asked to talk about your feelings. Personally I'd take the forking over the feelings any day.

The key to finding the funny amid the wedded bliss is to create your own funny situations. I'll give you a couple examples. Sometimes when Mr. Man is asleep, I get a giggle out of shaving off his eyebrows and drawing new ones on with a black Sharpie. Another fun thing I do to bring the laughter back into my life is to crawl up under his car and cut the brake lines.

The last time I did that, we laughed and laughed in the emergency room. Well, I laughed and laughed but with all the tubes they had up his nose and down his throat, he couldn't really laugh out loud. He was laughing with his eyes though.

So you see what I'm saying here, TSG? You have to make your own fun in marriage. Either that or pay Fudd in beer and chew to take PJ off your hands. They can float away to happiness and you can spend much more time doing what's truly important in life - stalking me.

Yours until they throw you back in prison,

Copyright © Sherri Bailey
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Anonymous said...

Dear Sher,

Thanks for the encouragement. I will attempt to bring a little more fun into my relationship with PJ.
Something a little more creative than last week when she wanted a shower caddy, I mounted a deer head in the shower and hung a soap-on-a-rope from the antlers. You would have loved it!

I'm a little disappointed in the examples of what you do to "have fun" with MR. Man. It shows how much you have mellowed over the years. Cutting the brake lines was OK, but coloring in fake eyebrows, come on get real, I have come to expect much more from you. Was it husband # 2. I seem to recall the words "massive blunt force trauma" being associated with his departure. Now that was good!
PS Next time I send you a note, please correct my spelling. The Arkansas version of spell check is way different than the rest of the US.

Sara said...

This was GREAT!!! I needed a good laugh tonight!

It's a shame all the good men get snatched up so quickly....there really isn't any hope for me!

Flutterby said...

Damn. My stalker isn't any fun. She's just downright scary ass freaky. How do I go about getting a FUN stalker? You need to write a tutorial.

Sher said...

TSG - The statute of limitations is always on my mind. You understand. I have to be careful.

Sara - There are some good ones out there! Have you tried prisoners? You don't have to pick up after them!

Flutter - I will consider a how-to about getting a good stalker. Perhaps TSG has comments and helpful advice.

Anonymous said...

Unlike Sher who is much more knowledgeable about marriage, having done it so often. I have much to learn. I avoided marriage until age 44, mostly because I was lazy and preferred to hunt, fish, hike and generally be out of doors (come to think I still do). How lazy you ask? There was period when I only dated homeless women, so I could drop them off anywhere after the date. I'll admit the selection/quality of dates was limited, but it was handy. Although I don't drink, I always carried a couple of 40 ouncers and a box of wine in the truck. Got lots of dates that way. That was also before I had my new store bought teeth.
I was stalking Sher before I met PJ and started dating way over my hotness level. Perhaps we can collaborate on a stalking/stalkee manual. "Stalking For Dummies" has a nice ring.
BTW regarding prison, I am very proud of the fact that I was never convicted on any of the charges.
The witnesses disappeared mysteriously on a river float trip.


Sher said...

Oh TSG. You truly have risen above your raisin'. Giving up on homeless women and going straight for a real woman with all her teeth AND hair? That was quite an accomplishment.

Stalking for Dummies. I like that.

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

Why can I not have a stalker like TSG?

Mine is just horsey faced and stupid. Maybe that's the problem! I have a female stalker that LOOKS male but is NOT male!

Wanna trade?

Sher said...

Sorry ladies. TSG better be a one woman stalker.

Jami said...

I like the book idea but I'd recommend that y'all find another title. "Stalking For Dummies" is just too close to "Stalking OF Dummies" ... and we all KNOW that ain't true in this case!

Sher said...

Jami - That's a great editorial decision. I'll alert the publisher.