Monday, March 09, 2009

Oh...and my face is too fat, square and puffy.

I'm spending my lunch break thinking of things I hate about me. I know most people traditionally spend this time eating, but I feel I don't deserve food. Food is for people who are pretty, thin, rich and talented.

People like me deserve whatever the opposite of food is. Since I'm an awful cook (see below), anything I prepare falls in this category so maybe I'll eat after all.

Here are the top ten things I hate about me:

10. I'm a terrible cook. I know I just said that, but I'm so bad I'm saying it again. I can make southern food like biscuits and gravy that'll make you sass your momma, but that's it. I made homemade hash browns last week and served them to Mr. Man in bed. "Why is their ketchup on my oatmeal?" he asked.

9. My eyebrows are all wrong. Because I have Hashimoto's, my eyebrows have all but disappeared. I live in constant fear someone will spontaneously ask me to go swimming or shower with them and my eyebrows will wash off.

8. My hair is ridiculous. One year it's blond, the next it's brown and it's never the right length or style. I either look like it's 1982 and I'm in a Duran Duran video or like I've just bought a new pair of double knit pants with an elastic waist and I'm off to Bingo.

7. My nose is too small. My glasses fall down all the time and so I wind up pushing them up like someone who wears a pocket protector as a fashion accessory. I need that thing that Steve Martin invented in The Jerk. (I also need this lamp, that chair and that's all. That's all I need.)

6. What the hell is going on with my chin? It's little but almost pointy like the bad witch in Wizard of Oz. Factor in what's going on just below my chin and I'm just a few chromosomes away from being a turkey.

5. Boobs. Oh sweet lord where do I begin? Too small, too floppy and definitely not sweater worthy. I'd get new ones but my selfish family wants me to spend my money on food and electricity and stuff.

4. If you ever see me in public and ask if I'm pregnant and I kick you in your no-no place, don't feel like you're the lone ranger. My tummy is not now nor has it ever been flat. Since my youngest child is almost 15, I don't know how much longer I can use the excuse that I had a baby, but I plan to ride that train as long as I can.

3. To tan or not to tan. That is the question I ask myself every day. When I tan I at least briefly feel like I am palatable to look at and will not induce vomiting in random passersby. On the other hand, once I stop tanning - like now - my skin is a lovely color one only sees in intensive care units and funeral homes. Factor in the weird color splotches tanning leaves behind and you can see why people often stop me to ask whether there is a charity I'd like to have them donate to on my behalf.

2. I look good in absolutely nothing, and I don't mean the kind of nothing you're thinking. Clothes look all weird on me like I found them lying in the street and put them on. At 5'5" on a good day, pants are always too long and I have to wear high heels tall enough to impress a hooker. Of course I love those kinds of heels, especially when they're red, but as I am the clumsiest person alive, I fall down even more that usual. At least when I'm on the ground my shoes are cute.

1. My fingers are awful. Truly awful. If you saw my hands in a line up you would think they belonged to a farmer who was too poor for a plow and just dug up 100 acres with his bare hands. I long for the 50's when decent women wore white gloves. Maybe that's what I should do anyway. I could be the writer who brought gloves back to humor.

Crap. Lunch time is over. I'm going to go have some Quaker and ketchup.

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Anonymous said...

Why don't you tell us 10 things you love about yourself?

Sher said...

What fun would that be? Besides, my list would involve foul language and a too many references to monkeys.

Sara said...

Can I suggest self tanner from Bath and Body works??? You can select your own if the first one you try makes you too orange, you can dumb it down to a nice peachy tone the next time! Fool proof...except of course for that first go around...

Tidewaterbound said...

Once I get done with college freshman, ahem, soci-paper assist (teen is totally freaked on this one) I will come back and list your list for you. Hey, one thing I will say right now -- you are BEAUTIFUL (and I really like your current hairstyle). Trust me, there's a REASON you see the lovely mermaid, it's wish fulfillment for me because I sure don't look that way.

I WILL be back!

Hugs to ya Sher!

Flutterby said...

I am so ready for summer. I discovered after spending about 90% of last summer camping at the lake, that using very high SPF sun screen actually TANS me! I spent my entire freaking life staying out of the sun or burning to a crisp because I never liked using sunscreen. And I am a total pale face too. I Hate the gloppy crap. I was introduced to SPRAY SUNSCREEN!! I used it all summer. And I TANNED! Now though... well it's been beluga city for months.

Tidewaterbound said...

OK-- I'm back! (We will not discuss soci-paper or the hours I've put into it--LOL)

10- "terrible cook" -- If you can cook southern food (biscuits and gravy), remember, you are a QUEEN and above most other women in the world. Smile and feel the pride!

9-8-7-eyebrows/hair/nose -- hush UP! Don't worry about the eyebrows, glasses cover a multitude of sins (trust me, but my eyebrows are one of the few things that are 'ok'), you've got great hair, and your nose is button cute. Think about it if you had a huge honker and would have to starve Mister Man and the kids for a nose job?

6-5-4-chin/boobs/tummy! Okay, these are all things we ladies of a certain age, and remember I've got a headstart on YOU young lady. have to live with. I need a chin-strap or surgery and my boobs are only big because my tummy is. Any mention of my size by my hubby could end up crippling him even further than he already is. Now I know why women wore girdles, but I don't hate myself quite that much and I hate pain. Think ELASTIC!

3-2-1-tan/clothing/fingers. Tanning? Don't! Ruins your skin, trust me. Me and the sun do NOT make it, saves on the wrinkles for later in life. Now is not the time for that Missy. Clothing? If clothing manufacturers actually make clothes to fit me, they made three sets only and sold them all out in Maine on some remote offshore island or something. They make more clothing for SHORT people than for tall people (and my sister is 5'0" and they make EVERYTHING for HER aging, skinny butt--at size 1. As for your hands, I only had two really good features, my legs and my hands. Big hands, long fingers and how I used to tend to my long nails, they appeared so graceful (an illusion because I'm a klutz). With enough bleach, I've ruined the nails (couldn't type with them anyway) and the cracks, wrinkles --and please don't call them liver spots have begun to appear. USE GLOVES, don't be like me and slap on that lotion.

Sher, you are a dainty, petite, lovely woman --and besides, you have even more wonderful qualities--you are funny as hell and have a terrific heart.

We all love ya --rant ON!

Sher said...

Sara - I have had some experience with self tanner. I submit exhibit A:

Flutter - Beluga City? I think I went their on one of my honeymoons. A little too touristy for my taste.

Tide - Now you've gone and made it hard for me to make fun of your comment because it was nice! What am I supposed to do with that? Dainty? Petite? Lovely? These are all words I've heard people use before, but never in relation to me. Thank you Dear.

Tidewaterbound said...

As is often the case, we never see ourselves as others do. Sher, you have a talent, millions envy and some to the degree we would rip your eyes out if we didn't love you so much.

We all have bad days, bad karma, and worse... the "if you even look at me you will DIE a horrible death by having drain cleaner shoved down your throat!" (that was from an aged B-grade horror flick that still gives me nightmares nearly 30 years later --I think it was called "Mother's Day")

Sher, you are truly inventive, sassy, smart, with just the right amount of magic that you share with the rest of us that makes you so special.

I rant, bitch, hate myself often. I know what it's like to be me, don't be me, be YOU. Being you is all you'll ever need to be. There are many of us who wish we WERE you!

Feel the love of your fans -- Honey, we are out here.

Sher said...

Oh Tide, you are way too kind. Waaaay too kind. If I were 1/10th as talented as you make me out to be, I'd be writing in the big time instead of giving the milk away for free.

Thank you so very much for being so sweet and for being such a long time reader. I truly do appreciate you.

Anonymous said...


Take heart, when I reach the top of the PHL, I will tell you at least four times day how great you look, and tell you how fortunate I am.

You can also take comfort in the fact I could be killed at any moment by a tree or a large limb falling on me, a choker snapping and rendering me into two pieces, falling in (or being thrown) into the chipper, or my personal favorite a victim of a grievous chainsaw accident. Not to mention being done-in by one of my many miscreant sisters. You would then inherit my share of the business and have to deal with my sisters.
Then you would really miss me!

Hope this brightens your day, TSG

Sher said...

Ladies and gentlemen - This is why TSG is the OFFICIAL stalker of WTCOMF: "miscreant". He knows I heart fancy words.

TSG - The knowledge that you might get chopped up in a chipper makes you very attractive husband material. I'll keep that in mind.

Anonymous said...

See I told you I need a proofreader. That was supposed to read rending me into two, not rendering.
You won't get much lard of my skinny butt. I'll bet you'd try though.

flea said...

....this lamp, this chair, and this paddle ball game, and that's all I need" I resisted commenting until now, don't you think Steve Martin is Sexy?

Sher said...

flea - resistance is futile! And oh hell yes he is sexy!!! I love him so bad I can't even say. He'll always be sexy.

Jami said...

OOOOooo ... swearing AND monkeys! I'm excited now waiting for the other 8!

Sher said...

I know, right?! That was pretty sweet.