Thursday, March 26, 2009

Interview with a Bunch of Guys I Tricked - Part 3

And we're back! Your third installment of Interview with a Bunch of Guys I Tricked. If you missed the beginning, go back in time to catch up.

Although I have seen pimps on television, I'd never actually met one up close and personal. That is until I was introduced to one D. Magical, arguably the most infamous purveyor of women as a commodity in the Tenderloin District of California.

I will admit I was nervous about this interview. It wasn't so much the subject or the man as it was the place where we were to meet. His secretary, or D.'s Ho as she announced herself, informed me he would only allow me an audience if I came to his office.

Turns out a pimp's office is in reality a seedy motel room behind an abandoned Salvation Army. Despite my general aversion to seediness in most forms, I'm a professional. I asked myself, WWCCD, and off I went. (What Would Connie Chung Do?)

Mr Magical, or Sweet Daddy as I was instructed to address him by 3 large men with diamonds where their teeth should be, wasn't there when I arrived. Instead a full half hour before his arrival was spent preparing me for my time with him. I was instructed not to ask any questions about his alleged link to a recent homicide involving a rival Pimp and a trombone, or about his Momma. It was also recommended that I try not to look him directly in the eye. I didn't ask why.

In his own good time he strutted in the room decked out in fur, gold rings, diamonds and a purple hat so cliche I almost laughed out loud. He sat down across from me and in an effort to take control, he asked the first question.

Sweet Daddy: Sobriquet?

(Clearly he thought Sobriquet was the French word for cheap wine served in a plastic cup.)

Sher: Thank you, but no. Mr. Sweet Daddy, I'd like to start our interview by thanking you for agreeing to sit down with me. This is important work we're doing. There is some chatter about a Pulitzer.

(I smiled at him only to have one of his diamond-toothed posse firmly shake his head NO at me.)

Now, would you mind telling me in your own words what exactly it is that you do?

Sweet Daddy:
This concludes my question and answer session.

What the hell? That was my first question! I've visited with lots of other men and they've all answered my questions.

(The biggest in the posse walked over to put his hand on my shoulder. I became alarmed that he might in fact pull my head out by the stem.)

Sweet Daddy: If I was a completely uneducated hillbilly type, midwestern, tobacco chewing, wife beater wearing, Nascar watching, beer drinking, good ole boy I would.

Sher: So why are you even here if you aren't going to talk to me? Would you at least answer a couple things?

(The grip on my shoulder tightened signaling it would be best to change my approach.)

Please Mr. Daddy? Just one or two?

Sweet Daddy: I'm working and must sometimes spring to action at a moment's notice.

Sher: I understand. You're like Super Pimp. Gotta jet off to rescue a ho any time Commissioner Gordan sends up the bat signal.

(No one laughed. I thought I might throw up, but I chewed it back.)

Let's try this again Sweet Daddy. Without mentioning your business specifically, let's talk a little bit about the kind of woman you most appreciate having in your employ. What might she look like?

Sweet Daddy: A Georgia peanut farmer with bucked teeth. Dirty white dress. Fake boobs are out of the question.

Sher: I see. It sounds like you know exactly what you want, or perhaps more to the point, what men want.

Sweet Daddy:
The thing for cool boys.

(This everyone in the room thought was hysterical as they high-fived each other and congratulated Sweet Daddy on his brilliant & insightful comment.)

Sher: It's my understanding you have one special lady in your stable. Is that correct?

Sweet Daddy: The One. The most perfect woman in the world. No longer here.

(I thought I saw a single tear run down his cheek.)

Sher: What happened to her?

Sweet Daddy: An unfortunate smelting accident.

Sher: Wow. I did not see that coming. Sounds tragic. I'm sorry.

Sweet Daddy: Makes you feel dirty, doesn't it?

(He leaned in toward me, leering as though telling me the love of his life was dead might somehow have flipped my on switch.)

Sher: It does not! I don't know why you think it would.

(The smallest of the scary men now folded his arms and cleared his throat. Signal received.)

I can't help but notice your beautiful ensemble. Is this how you always dress? Is there like Pimp casual when you're not working?

Sweet Daddy: Cloth diapers.

Sher: That sounds both disgusting and ridiculous.

Sweet Daddy: It makes for a fun time had by all. Why become aghast in public at a man's sexual misconduct only to be secretly causing intentional sexual arousal under a table, in a darkened hallway, at a different time etc?

Sher: I can assure you that I am aghast both in public and in private. There will be no misconduct on my part Mr. Daddy. There is absolutely nothing you could do that would warrant my ever causing you intentional arousal in any way. Ever.

Sweet Daddy: I will not ask for a penis prosthesis.

(The posse all nodded in agreement as if he were somehow making a huge concession just for me.)

What the hell are you talking about? What is a penis prosthesis anyway?

Sweet Daddy: Knowing the definition of the word kinda takes the fun out of it.

Sher: Mr. Daddy, please just answer the questions. If not, I'm going to have to bring this interview to an end.

Sweet Daddy: Makes you feel dirty doesn't it?

Sher: Stop saying that! That's it. I don't see anything further we can gain from this exchange. Before I literally burst into a dead on run and flee, is there anything additional you would want my readers to know about you Mr. Daddy?

Sweet Daddy: Two part answer. Strangers, friends, and acquaintances are strongly encouraged to enlarge their breasts and not be afraid to share them with me via text/picture messaging.

Sher: And?

Sweet Daddy: Thanks to my many friends for making "Operation Shake-a-Ho" a complete success.

Shake-a-Ho indeed, Mr. Daddy. Consider this "ho" completely shaken.

Come on kids. What else could today's music be?

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Anonymous said...

These last two make Smythe look pretty good. We haven't heard from Vince, and I don't expect to hear from "Daddy" either.

That leaves Smythe. I've noticed a slight change in your attitude toward him.
You're aren't' considering adding him to the PHL are you?
Don't be getting sweet on him just yet. He's smooth. Watch out!

Sher said...

TSG - No worries. You know you're #3 on the Potential Husband List. Mr. Daddy is no threat.

I don't know why Vince is being so quiet. Perhaps he has a hit out on me. I am growing concerned.

I will say though that Smythe, despite his affinity for toad stroking, is sort of demanding my attention. He's hard to ignore.

As Mr. Man says, it takes a village to raise an OCD Chick. I likes me some boys.

Smythe Livingston said...

Ha, Tsg has a post on his blog. The first in months. I'm going to run over and hassle him.
I finished another installment too. Smythe

Tidewaterbound said...

Geez, you had me at the diapers.

Cloth diapers at that, but he never made mention of the rubber pants which complete said accident ready to happen with profound impact.

Can you say...EWW!

I think Sweet Daddy was just waitin' for his paddle and diddle.


TSG, thank you for being so quick.

Sher said...

All I knew was I had no intentions to either piddle or diddle him. The cloth diapers thing was quite shocking frankly. I don't think I'll ever be the same.

Sher said...

Vince just showed up on the last installment - sounding sort of strange, I must say.

Smythe Livingston said...

I just saw where Vince just showed up. He talks funny. (no offense)Now all we need is "Daddy"
I wonder if Vince has a friend called "Jimmy The Weasel" or something like that. I bet he does.
I have the latest installment up. Only two remaining.

Sher said...

I wouldn't hold your breath waiting on Daddy. He struck me as somewhat less than computer literate.

What do you mean only two remaining? This gives me pause.

Mr. Man said...

Sweet Daddy D, I like your style. Nothin better then a little 'HO SHAKIN' cloth diapers and bodyguards. Since they are also there to provide you with a 'service' do you ever look at them and say 'you da HO'

Sher said...

I'm calling the cage repairman first thing in the morning.

Is it weird that you're just in another room inside the house and we're communicating via the comments in my blog?

Nah. That seems right.

Anonymous said...


I'm happy to see that Smythe is done with his story. Maybe he'll disappear now!

I'm sure no cute girls are going to write to that looser!


Sher said...

TSG - Thank GOD you're here. Did you see what that freak posted on his blog? It's a pic of ME, all tied up in a very creepy fashion.

I am six kinds of scared. Please do your stalker duties and protect me from Smythe. If I'm going to be kidnapped, tied up and forced to touch nature and toads, it will only be at your hands.