Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Vampira - Mistress of the long, long night.

I don't sleep. I am not one of those people who drifts off peacefully to sleep and then stays that way for 7 or more hours. I've always been that way but lately it's gotten even worse.

I know what you're thinking.

"Where did I leave my keys?"

(They're on the kitchen table, under yesterday's mail.)

I've had tests, I've Googled "baby can't sleep", and I've read all the best sellers about not sleeping. REM for Dummies and Be Quiet & Go to Sleep Before I Come in There were my faves.

But last night, as I was counting sheep and my blessings and the number of times I've been married, the reason I can't sleep finally dawned on me.


I know what you're thinking.

"Why are my cough drops always covered with lint?"

(Because Hall's and Big Lint are in bed together.)

I got out of bed and ran to the mirror to check 'cause everyone knows vampires have no reflection so they can't see their own faces.

Crap. There I was looking back at me all tired and what not with my hair sticking up in such a manner that I wondered when the cat had groomed me. And then I remembered we don't have a cat and thought maybe it was a cat burglar instead.

He could have crept in with his black leggings and jaunty black burglar cap, stole all my jewels and Matrix DVD's and before he left, licked my head. Happens all the time.

But then I started doubting myself as to whether it's their reflection vampires can't see. What if it's their shadows? That sounds right.

It sounds right at 2 in the morning anyway.

So I looked around for my shadow and guess what? Not there. Totally no shadow.

I know what you're thinking.

"Having seen in the news that monkeys sometimes eat people's faces off, should I still get one for my kids to play with?"

(Yes. Don't hate the monkey. Your kids are nothing to write home about.)

I started to wonder what else about me was vampiric.

Well, I like long nails.

Sadly they aren't long right now because of a nail biting frenzy about a week ago during an especially hairy episode of Two & a Half Men, but usually they are.

Plus I deeply enjoy biting.

Mr. Man has the bruises to show it. I will often inexplicably bite him when he least expects it. Until last night I figured it was simply a case of not being disciplined correctly as a toddler. Now I know the truth.

Once I confirmed that I am in fact a vampire I began to wonder when it happened. I would think being bitten by a crazy sexy man in the middle of the night when I was wearing a long flowing white gown and had my windows open would be memorable.

I was sure it couldn't have been recently as my favorite sleeping attire of late is boxers and a T-shirt that says my monkey made me do it. Vampires do not bite chicks dressed like that.

Especially when a cat burglar just licked their head.

So what the hell? Could I have gotten a vampire bug in a public restroom?

Hell to the no. The OCD Chick carries an assorted multitude of germ killing things with her at all times and since Germ-X kills everything, it's reasonable to assume that includes vampire cooties.

And then it dawned on me. It was the wedding!

A few years ago I was mesmerized by a vampire I met at a goth wedding at which I was officiating. Although I don't remember the actual biting, I do remember stalking him out to his 1981 Toyota Corolla. That's probably where it happened as the next thing I recall is wondering where the letter D on my ass came from.

I know what you're thinking.

"How is that Octomom ever going find a man now?"

(Are you kidding? With the giant chunk of child support change she's going to undoubtedly get from Sperm Donor, they'll be lining up like she's freaking Angelina Jolie. Which she sorta is.)

I'm not sure what to do next with my bad vampire self. I guess I should probably think of a new name because everyone knows there are no vampires named Sherri Lynn. Or Margaret. Or Roberta.

I should also get out and start meeting some of my own kind at a mixer or something. I know exactly what I'm looking for in an eternal vampire partner slash friend slash cabana boy slash luvuh.

I also know what's probably looking for me.

This is the vampire's favorite song. It has to be because it's the single best song in the entire universe. It is. I swear. Agree with me or I'll bite you. I mean it.

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Flutterby said...

Just as long as you keep your fangs off MY cabana boy. I mean... I told you that you should GET one; not that you could have MINE. And how do you KNOW there are no vampires with those names? I mean... look how long you've been hiding it yourself, so how do you know others aren't just as adept at it as you have been? And yes... I had two margaritas a little while ago. It's a good thing I have two kids who can drive now...

Sher said...

Easy there drunk flutter. I've got my own stable of cabana boys. I don't even have room for another one.

Adept? That would be an awesome name for a girl vampire.

The Mother said...

Just because you can see yourself in a mirror, it does NOT mean that you're not a vampire.

Mirrors haven't been manufactured with silver in decades. They use an aluminum alloy now, I think.

So there. You probably are a vampire.


Sher said...

The Mother - You're sorta brilliant. Please be my new BFF. I promise not to bite you.

Flutterby said...

I'd watch out on that offer if I were you Mother... just because she promises she won't bite, keep in mind the OCD thing... you know how it goes.. you forget you locked the back door when you're standing right there and KNOW you locked it. TOLD yourself it's locked. And you've checked it TWELVE TIMES already. And still you forget. She could forget the promise not to bite just as easily... I'm just sayin'...

Sher said...

It's not a forget thing Flutter. It's an I Can't Believe it's Really Locked Thing in combination with a If I Don't Touch it 21 Times God Will Burn My House Down thing.

You're so gonna lose on Sher Jeopardy.

The Queen said...

This sounds like a job for Captian Ambien!! :)

Sher said...

Queen - You know what drunk dialing is right? Well, I Ambien dial. I have conversations (usually embarrassing ones) when I've taken Ambien.

TSG said...

How going out for a drink, my dear?
I guess I better order that outfit.
Things are getting serious!

TSG (Master of the Night)

Sher said...

TSG aka Official Stalker of the OCD Chick - Let's see...

Talked to me like my sexy wedding vampire by calling me My Dear.

Love it.

Ordering sexy vampire outfit to woo me.

Crazy love it.

Changed his profile pic for me and referred to himself as Master of the Night.


Said something about getting serious.

And I'm gone.