Wednesday, January 20, 2010

My Will - Cause I've Got a Lot of Awesome Stuff

This evening I will drive north to sleep in a place near the airport and in the morning, I fly away to the land of Flinging Myself Out of an Airplane. That's right my pretty readers, I skydive Friday.

Just in case I have a heart attack on the way down, or worse, I pee my pants and am so embarrassed I am forced to fake my own death, here's my last will and testament. Yes - I am of sound mind, but also a little stoned on Ibuprofen and enough Diet Dr. Pepper to make a lab rat grow a third ear - on it's genitals.

  1. To my friends Tide & TSG - I leave everything in my bank account. You guys have been loyal readers, fans and friends for so long, I can't remember when you weren't here. If I don't buy any gum or bouncy balls prior to being dead, you kids are totally going to split a Snickers bar. 
  2. To Vicky - You are a force to be reckoned with and I reckon I am infinitely lucky to have you in my corner. Were it not for you and your door kicking, I wouldn't be strapping a man to my back and jumping from a plane. To you I leave some of my most precious possessions - my false eyelashes. Every time someone swats at what they believe to be a sleeping caterpillar on your eyeball, remember me. 
  3. To Phil - my GooglyEyes - I don't understand how people without a googlyeyes in their lives can even make themselves a sandwich. For your constant encouragement and wise council, I leave my collection of divorce agreements. Naturally the Smithsonian will want them, but unless they offer you enough to buy The Met, just hold onto them. They will only increase in value.
  4. To Ry - I know how inconvenienced my untimely death will leave you and how selfish it is of me to drop dead - literally. Therefore I leave to you the bust I created in your likeness made of gum, and tears, and Crest Whitestrips. That's not weird.
  5. To KK - I leave you all my Clorox Wipes & Purell Hand Sanitizers. I'm sorry that they won't last very long. I only have one closet full. 
  6. To Brooke & Rachel - my Viva la Vulva DooWop Girls - My secret list of potential and future husbands along with contact information and detailed schematics laying out how you get them to marry you... that's what you're getting. You deserve it! Sorry though - my divorce punch card is full so you'll have to start your own. 
  7. To my Midlife Road Trip friends and family - you people get NOTHING. Not one dang thing. You know good and well you shouldn't have let me pull this crazy stunt! What kind of friends are you anyway?
Watch for pictures and film coming soon. I'm almost positive I'll be jumping fully clothed, so I'll make sure you get to see it. In the meantime, check out our friends at MainSail Tampa.They are our generous hosts for this shoot and we are excited to post lots of pictures of their extraordinary property.

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Up2DaRack said...

Listen up Sher, you best be landing safely, because I don't have any facilities available large enough to hold all those divorce documents! Dammit!

And while I'm good at sandwich advice, I'm gonna suggest you go with oatmeal or something easy to digest on jump day. You won't want something that's gonna run through you , nor are you gonna want something tough to digest that will wind up on your jump man's goggles when you hurl...

And of course, since I know you're going to survive this, I'd like to take the opportunity to admonish you for revealing your last will intentions - now we're all gonna argue with each other over who deserves all that great stuff you have. Nice going Sher! Hmphhhh...

And to the folks at MLRT - if you folks don't have gum and moonpies waiting for Sher at her landing zone, I'll come down and personally beat you guys up! Oh, and make sure she has a nice "breakfast" afterwards too. Got it? Don't make me come down there...

Sher said...

All I can think about is what if the harness doesn't hold and I fall down? What if the tandem guy has a heart attack or one of my false eyelashes flies off and hits him in the eyeball at great speed effectively blinding him? What if my tandem guy is someone with a lot of enemies who have reason to screw with his chute? I have to go vomit now. Check back later.

Elizabeth said...

Dang, your family gets no love! I want Darla.

Sher said...

Awww Kitty - you can have whatever you want babes. You know where I keep the good stuff.

Anonymous said...

Cara Mia
Please be careful and try to survive if at all possible. Since I'm fairly high on the PHL you must also be careful who receives the list in the event of your untimely demise.

I had a instructor tell me not to worry. In the entire history of parachuting, no one has ever failed to return to earth. Just how far into it ....well....
Good Luck

kjax said...

Oh, TSG, that was mean!

Sher, I totally know you meant to leave me Michael Buble, so I'm just gonna go ahead and have that paperwork drawn up. It'll ease your mind, I know, having that detail taken care of. I promise to love him and pet him and stroke his nose and teach him not to bark.

Aha! It's The Obnoxious SAHM said...

thanks a lot you darn hussie! there was a day that someone opened up a packed with greek candy bars, a back scratcher, and a greek trailer hitch cover. (snickers)