Just in case I have a heart attack on the way down, or worse, I pee my pants and am so embarrassed I am forced to fake my own death, here's my last will and testament. Yes - I am of sound mind, but also a little stoned on Ibuprofen and enough Diet Dr. Pepper to make a lab rat grow a third ear - on it's genitals.
- To my friends Tide & TSG - I leave everything in my bank account. You guys have been loyal readers, fans and friends for so long, I can't remember when you weren't here. If I don't buy any gum or bouncy balls prior to being dead, you kids are totally going to split a Snickers bar.
- To Vicky - You are a force to be reckoned with and I reckon I am infinitely lucky to have you in my corner. Were it not for you and your door kicking, I wouldn't be strapping a man to my back and jumping from a plane. To you I leave some of my most precious possessions - my false eyelashes. Every time someone swats at what they believe to be a sleeping caterpillar on your eyeball, remember me.
- To Phil - my GooglyEyes - I don't understand how people without a googlyeyes in their lives can even make themselves a sandwich. For your constant encouragement and wise council, I leave my collection of divorce agreements. Naturally the Smithsonian will want them, but unless they offer you enough to buy The Met, just hold onto them. They will only increase in value.
- To Ry - I know how inconvenienced my untimely death will leave you and how selfish it is of me to drop dead - literally. Therefore I leave to you the bust I created in your likeness made of gum, and tears, and Crest Whitestrips. That's not weird.
- To KK - I leave you all my Clorox Wipes & Purell Hand Sanitizers. I'm sorry that they won't last very long. I only have one closet full.
- To Brooke & Rachel - my Viva la Vulva DooWop Girls - My secret list of potential and future husbands along with contact information and detailed schematics laying out how you get them to marry you... that's what you're getting. You deserve it! Sorry though - my divorce punch card is full so you'll have to start your own.
- To my Midlife Road Trip friends and family - you people get NOTHING. Not one dang thing. You know good and well you shouldn't have let me pull this crazy stunt! What kind of friends are you anyway?
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