So I was asking myself today, what exactly would I DO if the iPad fairy left one under my hypo-allergenic pillow. This is what I decided:
- I would take my iPad everywhere. In all sincerity, when you have a cool new toy, it does not reach maximum enjoyment level until all your friends are jealous of your new toy. Therefore, it would go with me to Wal-Mart, where I would whip it out and check my email as I wait in line to pay for my Pork 'n Beans. I would take it to parties, where I would use it to play games while waiting for my turn to do a keg stand.
- I would read a book on my iPad. I would read a book on my iPad and I would do it in an obnoxious way so as to get the most people watching me read a book on my iPad. I would read at the convenience store where I enjoy an occasional Big Gulp. I would read at the library, while peering in a superior way at all the losers who waste valuable energy turning pages. I would read in traffic jams in Kansas City and when people around me laid down on their horns, I would stand up through my sunroof, wave my iPad at them and yell, "Hey! I'm reading a mother trucking book on my iPad, dumbass!"
- I would get my news from the New York Times on my iPad. I don't currently read the New York Times, but as most of the pictures I've seen of the iPad show the New York Times on the screen, I will learn.
- I would pretend to be Steve Jobs with my iPad. I would take a butter knife and disassemble it and screw around with the insides with the same look on my face my first ex-husband used to get when trying to figure out where the dipstick was in our car, or the "on button" was in his wife. Then I would put it back together, using some duct tape and spit.
- I would get apps for my iPad. I am a Verizon customer, so that means I can't have an iPhone.I can't say to my friends, "Hey friends! I just found a new, cool, app." Until now. I would have so many apps that people would simply be in awe of my app-iness and app-titude, I would legally change the name of one of my Yorkies to Appy.
- I would watch videos on my iPad. Mostly the secret sex tapes of Michael Buble. Don't kid yourself.
- I would put my make-up on using the iPad. The back of the thing looks pretty shiny. A shiny surface is all Mama needs.
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