Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Dear Match.com gods,

I realize I have not exactly lived my life as an angel. I get that I have more baggage than Delta and Continental combined. But come on. I've never killed anyone - that I recall. I've never kicked a puppy or smacked an old person. So why you hatin' on me, Match gods?

Sixty-two people viewed my profile, seven found me worthy, two IM'd me, and one emailed me.

I'm a bona-fide hot mama.

Here is today's report. I want so badly to copy and paste their pics for your viewing pleasure, but I'm afraid they'd find me somehow and stab me in the vulva.

(In their own words...)

Meet cutoff-sleeves guy:

He has a smoking mustache that goes almost to his knees, and although I can't quite read the tat he's rockin', I think it is some kind of Satanic symbol - or a tractor. He wants us to "get a lil mud on the tires." He is trustworthy, he likes to hunt, and he's not looking for a maid. The good news is he's not rich. The better news is, he's far from perfect or else he wouldn't be on here.

Meet weird socks guy:

He says he's 50. I think he meant 62.

He's looking for a lover. I know this because he used the word more than anyone ever uses the word. He is an easy going of an individual, and he's been told his best attribute is his heart. I'm guessing he and his cardiologist are tight.

Meet my favorite pick of the day - Guy who appears to have Photoshopped some exceptionally ugly children in his pic. But it's not his insatiable desire to be a pretend father that makes me want him. It's the pic of him standing in what appears to be his living room - or the lobby of a nursing home. Behind him, on the far wall, a Billy Big Mouth Bass. Yes kids, a singing fish.

A singing fish.


Jane said...

I'd hold out for the guy who likes long walks on the beach, or will after his hip surgery. The one who likes Pina Coladas, but the virgin kind because he's been sober for 24 days. And the one who likes restaurants, at least when he has a coupon. Same goes for matinees, where he'll only watch G-rated movies because a requirement of his probation is that can't see Kate Winslet's boobies.

Mellodee said...

LOL!! There have been days when I wished I was single. This isn't one of them!! :)

Jami said...

... and the winner is ...

Sher said...

Jane - I think I just peed a little. Don't worry. It's only cause I'm laughing, not because you scare the piss outta me.

Mellodee - No, Darlin! Single = BAD!

Jami - Mama is still shopping. I do loves to find me a bargain. Fingers crossed.