Single Sher: The Pros & Cons

This is not an exhaustive list, although it was exhausting to list. More to come. 

I'm about to go all Rascal Flatts up in here.

I'm moving out in a few weeks. Yep. Moving out of this house, and this marriage, and into another house, and God willing and the creek don't rise, at least twelve or thirteen more marriages - eventually. These things can't be rushed.

This move feels really big, and really scary, and really important for me, even though I'm only moving 7/10ths of a mile away from where I've enjoyed married life to Mr. Man AKA Huzzie Bestie.

Maybe it's because the house I'm moving into isn't exactly a palace. (More like a Cracker Jack prize in ghetto Cracker Jacks.) Maybe it's because I'm forty-six, and I still don't have whatever that thing is people have who can stay married longer than it takes the paint to dry with a new name on the mailbox.
Or maybe it's because I don't have the right coffee pot.

I choose C.

My coffee pot was created for more than one person. No matter how hard I try to make just enough coffee for one chick, it always comes out as 'married people coffee'. I have a feeling the first morning I wake up to make coffee and find that I have enough for me plus one husband (insert name here), I'm gonna feel sad. And overly-caffeinated. And then sad again, but really, really energetic.

Sure, I could go buy one of those Here is Your One Cup of Coffee You Single Loser Who Has Failed Yet Again at Sustaining a Long Term Relationship coffee makers. But what will I do when I get lucky at Wal-Mart and the Frozen Pea Stocker Guy wants to come home with me? What? Am I gonna say, "Sorry Hot Frozen Pea Stocker Dude, but I'm a one cup house and you're outta luck"?

Of course not. No one talks to Frozen Pea Guy like that. He has a mustache.

I'm distressed. Maybe I should just get married again so that I have someone with whom to share a full pot of coffee. Hell, I once married a guy just so I didn't waste the six inches of a foot-long sub I never eat.

Match.com - I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee.

Match.com has been a hoot and a holler. That's Southern for "a horrible experience that has caused me to lose all faith in humanity." Like all good things, and all marriages, it must come to an end. My psyche simply can no longer endure the barrage of comb-overs, sleeveless shirts, and giant mustaches.

Because I am the kind of person who always has to have the last word in any broken relationship, I'm gonna tell Match.com what it is I DON'T want in a man. Consider it a public service announcement - that the public could care less to ever have announced.

I don't want a guy who thinks whatever he says is funny if he inserts" LOL" or "haha" after every sentence. "I ran over my dog this morning, but he was old and slow. LOL."

I don't want a guy who uses any of the following words in his profile: snuggle, lover, cuddle, drama, bedroom, Nascar, hunt, fish, bowl. or advencheerus. I've read these words so often in the profiles of your men, you surely have a secret man section of the website called "Really Cool Words That Our Crack Team of Redneck Grandfathers Believe Will Drive Women Wild."

I don't want a guy who feels he has to tell me, in the first sentence of our interaction, that he doesn't play games, and doesn't like women who do play games. I LOVE GAMES, Match.com. My favorites are Monopoly (or as we call it in my house, You're Not My Son Here, So Hand Over the Rent Money), and of course, Husband Roulette.

I don't want a guy who takes his profile picture with his cell phone in the bathroom mirror - with his shirt off.

I don't want a guy who wears jorts, even if he is the Official Jort Association Spokesperson and makes tens of dollars for his work.

I don't want a guy with a mustache so big & thick that I know without ever getting near him it smells like old pizza.

I don't want a guy who is looking for a woman between the ages of Jail Bait and Woohoo I Can Buy My Own Beer Now.

I don't want a guy who would be best suited for a woman between the ages of Dusty Old Vagina and I Prepaid For My Casket and Also Have Lint Covered Lemon Drops In My Purse.

I don't want a guy who wants to find his "sole mate", or an "ole fashion lady", or a woman who likes "brekfest for supper."

I don't want a guy who tells me his wife died four years ago and then straight away goes into, "I like hunting." I am left to believe he likes hunting, despite having shot his wife to death four years ago.

I don't want a guy who says the last thing he read was, "I don't read."

Are you getting the picture, Match.com? You are an awful, awful website where awful, awful people gather together to breed and make big-headed, awful, awful children.

Children with low set ears, eyes that go in different directions, a seventh toe, and a propensity to eat their own poop.

*Cool, funny, JORT pic found on http://kingpininc.com/category/jorts.*

Match.com - The "Is He Too Young for Me?" Edition

So you know by now how much yummy goodness I'm finding oozing from under the Match.com rug. Every day when I log in, I am greeted by the "sleazapalooza" on patrol and I'm forced to LOL - which is sometimes what I do to prevent the COL. (Crying Out Loud. Der.)

People are sending me emails about my Match.com posts asking, "Really?" to which I answer, "Totally really." I'm NOT making this stuff up, kids. Not even a little bit. I simply take tidbits from these gentlemen and via the power and magic that is cut & paste, allow them to write for me. My words are in parenthesis... which coincidentally is a word most of the guys on Match.com cannot spell. 

Mommas hide your daughters, because here they come again. In their own words...

Mr. Danger on the Road:

"I love holding hands, especially while driving. I love kissing, also while driving. Except for the occasional Mudslide, I'm not much of a drinker."

(If you ever see me on a date with a man drinking a Mudslide, please dial 9-1-1 as I am being held hostage by a very feminine, gun-wielding, man.)

Mr. I'm a 'Methadist':

"I'm a easy going, level headed kinda guy. I even help with house work if need to. It don't bother me. No games. I am a hopeless romantic whom pays attention to detail."

(Do you, Darlin'? Do you really?)

Mr. Punctuation is for Pussies:

"love to hunt fish bowl camp and being romantic love the water like to take walks and bike rides love animals love to cuddle by a fire place or watching tv or bedroomlooking for someone i can go on ect iam looking for someone to share there things with me as i will share my things with them"

(I do not share well, or I'd be all over this guy. He is a self-described knight in shinning armer. That's how I likes it, y'all.)

Mr. Wiping the Crazy Off My Face?:

"New York Times and News Week are always on the coffee table. I enjoy classic American and English literature." (He reads! Sweet Lord above, he reads!) "I wanted to write and say hi. My name is ****, I recently moved to *** and hope to make some friends. You have a wonderful smile, hope that isn't too forward to say." 

(Forward? Baby, as far as I'm concerned, you just proposed. I will admit to kind of liking this one. He's cute as a buttered biscuit, and he said I have a nice smile. My hang up is that he's younger than me. I don't want to be doing the baby-spoon-on-the-chin thing when we're at Chuck E. Cheese.)

I drive on, y'all. Pray to your Match.com gods... or to Tom Cruise. Whichever deity you think'll get me a handsome, smart, funny, clever, boyfriend will work.  

Match.com - The Flordia Beach Edition

You know the drill. I check my Match.com account and I tell you what's out there. Everything in quotes is straight up EXACTLY what these guys say either in their profiles or in a message to me. I give them pretend names here because I don't want them to find me and stab me - or date me.

Here we go, kids. In their own words....

Meet Mr. Let's Head for Haiwi:

I am honest, loving caring hardworking and loves to have fun .I enjoy being outside, from gardening to 4-wheeling and loves football. Have never been to Haiwi but would love to go with someone special.  Ilike the color gold. I live life to the fullest and get every minuet out of every day.


Meet Mr. Cuddle Pants Who Enjoys Getting Off:


I enjoy cuddling up around a bonfire by the river, or any kind of water. It's also nice to cuddle up on the couch. I WORK ABOUT 40 TO 50 HOURS A WEEK DURING THE DAY. I ENJOY IT WHEN I GET OFF AND CAN RELAX. Well, can't think of much else, if you like my profile I'll try to send you a picture. 


Meet Mr. I Desire a Burly Woman Who Will Work For Me For Free:


I am a farmer so I would also like a girl that is willing to learn the fun things that go with farming. I live on a farm so I like to work cows and put up hay.  I have always wanted to travel up north. But I wouldn't mind going southeast to Flordia for the Beach. When it is I like to check cows or just sit at home and relax. I usually shop at a farm supply store




PS Dear Readers: I no longer cling to the belief that any single man in his 30s or 40s can spell, or has even the slightest idea about how to entice a woman to want to date him. Mark the calendar - this is the day hope died. 

Match.com - The FRESH HELL edition

Sweet heavenly love - we are back again, kids. And this time, the batch of available men hitting on my profile is straight up yummy. I can't even wait for you to see what's risen to the top, so without further adieu....

Here they are, and as always, in their own words -

Mr. Did I Say I Need You to Like Fishing:

"WELL IM EASY GOING PERSON LOVES THE OUT DOORS. iM LOOKING FOR A FEM THAT LIKES FISHING AND HAS SOME FREE TIME DURING THE DAY SO WE CAN GO FISHING AND SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER. MUST LIKE THE OUTDOORS, FISHING."


Mr. My Profile Pic Was Taken at a Funeral:

Mr. Book Writer Man:

"well is hard to do this part i have travel a lot and ,make friends every where i go. love to see smiles on you !!!!can be funny in a drop of a hat , never need a fire extingisher to cool me . i life on a farm as a boy i have did so much i could right a book."




More to come, y'all. Sadly, I feel confident there will be more to come. 

The Daily Match.com Report - 2

It just keeps getting better and better. Hang onto your men, ladies. Sher is heading into the woods with her shotgun and a bad attitude.

In their own words....

Mr. One Eye Goes This Way & One Eye Goes That Way:


"I'm a business professional at work, at home I'm like to relax and enjoy my home and company. I have a 20 son that is married. They will be a important part of my future."


I was crushin' hard on this guy because I'm like to relax as well, but then he admitted he has a 20 son, and it just blew it straight to hell for me. 


Mr. No Photo, But It's Only Because I Don't Know How To Get the Film On My Computer:


"I love to be with that special person that just gets me, my funny side my dad side and most of all my alone time with just you and me." 


Among his interests are "putting in a deck," and putting a lot into his weekend. Match asks what book you read last, and he answers, "read the paper online." Am I in love??? Well hells yes . I dig a well-read man. 


Mr. Let's Go to Cuba Together:


"Enjoy many diverse activitie's. Enjoy a woman that isn't afraid to initiate first contact. Good moral's, but not like a "nun" or anything !."


Since I kicked the habit, this one may be my best bet so far. 


Mr. I'm On the 'Photograph Myself in the Mirror With No Shirt' Bandwagon:


"My profiles says seperated, have been seperated for 5 years now, just haven't haven't filed the divorce yet, but the papers are filled out and have been for awhile, so don't let it scare you, i am the same as divorced already."


I'm not scared, man boobs. No, no. Not one little bit.


Mr. OH NO I TYPED THIS IN ALL CAPS BUT I'M NOT YELLING


"OH NO DID THIS ALL IN LARGE LETTERS USED CAPS SORRY IM NOT YELLING- -MY MISTAKE- SORRY- HOPE YOU STILL WRITE TO SAY HELLO- BYE BYE - THANKS FOR THE E-MAILS! WISH YOU ALL THE BEST AND BEST WISHES! THANKS HAVE A GREAT DAY!A LADY THAT HAS A GOOD LOOK ON LIFE KNOWS WHAT SHE WHATS OUT OF LIFE AND NOT ONE THAT HAS NO TRUST IN A GOOD MAN THAT WANTS TO SHOW HER RESPECT CAREING AND BE BY HER SIDE WHEN THAT COMES TO BE AND RESPECT HER WITH THE WOMEN INSIDE LIKE SHE SHOULD BE AND KNOWS A TRUE MAN CAN SHOW HOW MUCH HE CAN LOVE HER AND BE THERE FOR HER BUT ALSO GIVE HER HER SPACE"


This gem actually went on for about 72 more lines, but I had to stop somewhere. I do need my space. Lord knows I need my space. 

Dear Match.com gods,

I realize I have not exactly lived my life as an angel. I get that I have more baggage than Delta and Continental combined. But come on. I've never killed anyone - that I recall. I've never kicked a puppy or smacked an old person. So why you hatin' on me, Match gods?

Sixty-two people viewed my profile, seven found me worthy, two IM'd me, and one emailed me.

I'm a bona-fide hot mama.

Here is today's report. I want so badly to copy and paste their pics for your viewing pleasure, but I'm afraid they'd find me somehow and stab me in the vulva.

(In their own words...)

Meet cutoff-sleeves guy:

He has a smoking mustache that goes almost to his knees, and although I can't quite read the tat he's rockin', I think it is some kind of Satanic symbol - or a tractor. He wants us to "get a lil mud on the tires." He is trustworthy, he likes to hunt, and he's not looking for a maid. The good news is he's not rich. The better news is, he's far from perfect or else he wouldn't be on here.

Meet weird socks guy:

He says he's 50. I think he meant 62.

He's looking for a lover. I know this because he used the word more than anyone ever uses the word. He is an easy going of an individual, and he's been told his best attribute is his heart. I'm guessing he and his cardiologist are tight.

Meet my favorite pick of the day - Guy who appears to have Photoshopped some exceptionally ugly children in his pic. But it's not his insatiable desire to be a pretend father that makes me want him. It's the pic of him standing in what appears to be his living room - or the lobby of a nursing home. Behind him, on the far wall, a Billy Big Mouth Bass. Yes kids, a singing fish.

A singing fish.

Welcome to my Divorce!

Copyright © Sherri Bailey This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

A question about DIVORCE? For little ole me?

OK, Miss Carol... I'll give it a shot. Don't get your hopes up though, because what do I know about divorce anyway?

Send your questions about anything from banana pudding to babies to tiny pants that monkeys wear to: humorwriter at gmail dotcom. (If you send video, please make it under 10 seconds sugar boogars.)


Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

I'm a Therapist. Shut Up.

Download Google Talk and talk to Sher!

Copyright © Sherri Bailey
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Tom Selleck is a Sher Hater.

www.ErmaDoesNotLiveHere.com - She don't, but Sher do.

Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

I See My Future Babies in There - How to Get a Divorce cont.

www.ErmaDoesNotLiveHere.com - It's entirely necessary.

Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Your Divorce Starter Kit

Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Divorce in Ten Easy Steps

I am a big fan of marriage. I’m an even bigger fan of divorce. That’s why I do both as often as possible.

Frequently I am asked, “Hey, Sher. How can I too get a divorce?” Because I am a person who believes in helping my fellow man no matter how stupid their questions may be, I have decided to offer my top ten tips for causing, getting and ending in divorce. Of course, this is by no means an exhaustive list as I am an expert and as such, have at least a book’s worth of divorce how-to instruction.

But this will definitely get you started.

1. The very first thing one must do to ensure any marriage will end in divorce is to marry the wrong person in the first place. I realize it can be difficult to determine if the person you want to marry is truly the wrong person, but this is an important step and one you cannot overlook. If you are a woman, I suggest choosing a man who swears at his Mother or tells you he’s only jealous because you’re so pretty. If you’re a man, always go with the woman who says yes when you pop the question during sex. You can’t miss.

2. Once you’ve found the person you hope to grow to hate, try to marry as quickly as possible and spend as much money as you can in the process. Nothing gets the divorce ball rolling like rushing to the altar…unless it’s going in debt to do it.

3. If you can produce offspring within the first one year or less of your marriage, you are totally on the right track. A screaming, smelly midget who never leaves is exactly what every newly married couple needs. The best part is that kids come in super handy later on when it’s time to start sending hateful messages to each other.

4. Spend every single second together. Don’t go anywhere without the other one, don’t have interests that the two of you can’t share, and if your partner even thinks of going somewhere without you, throw an honest to goodness fit. Only people who aren’t planning on getting a divorce need friends during their marriage. After all, there will be plenty of time once you are separated to convince everyone it was your spouse’s fault you were a snob.

5. Argue as often as possible, about as many things as possible and with as much drama as possible. Scream, throw things, spit, whatever it takes. It also helps to bring up things he or she has done in the past. Ladies, now is the time to remind your spouse you didn’t appreciate the fact that he got drunk at his bachelor party. Sure, he apologized and sure you said you forgave him but forgiving does not mean forgetting. If he didn’t get you the ruby ring you wanted for your anniversary, hit him. Every woman knows men are mind readers. (They keep the technology in their testicles so you won’t find it.)

Guys, unless you bought your wife on www.UglyVirgins.com, she was “with” someone before you and she still wants him. You know she never “forgot” to wash his favorite shirt because doing the laundry and cooking supper is how women show love. If you take the time to explain to her how your ex used to show love, you have automatically scored bonus divorce points and will advance onto the next round.

6. When the sex shifts from hourly to bi-weekly and nobody is bruised or splinted in the making of it, you should assume you no longer love your partner and they no longer love you. Simple math says sex equals love.

7. Marriage is always fifty-fifty. To be certain everything is equal, I recommend a score card.

8. Belittle your partner’s appearance as often as you can find the time. He/she does not look the way they did on your wedding day and there can be no excuse. Call attention to their weight gain, hair loss, sagging skin and that stray hair on their belly button that keeps growing back. You are gorgeous and you look exactly the same if not better. You are way out of their league.

9. Men, the word bitch is your ace in the hole. Whether used loudly or under your breath, women respond to it. Scientifically you will appreciate knowing that every woman is born with a limited tolerance to hearing it. Your job is to repeat the word until you figure out where her threshold is.

Ladies, it’s interesting to note that men value pop relationship quizzes. It has something to do with testosterone. If he cannot tell you what you were wearing the first time he ever saw you, he hates your guts and is having an affair.

10. Throughout my years of research, I have found the compare/contrast method works best in a determined march towards divorce. Take a look at all the marriages around you and meticulously compare yours to theirs. While watching television and movies, note the ways your spouse is not at all like the ones you see. Marriage really is a freaking fairy tale and everyone but you is living the dream.

Not to worry though. If you follow my advice you’ll have at least a couple more chances to find wedded perfection at the end of the rainbow. It’ll be right next to the pot of gold and the small man with red hair and pointy shoes. (Maybe you can marry him.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The way tainted love was meant to be.






Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

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