Friday, June 04, 2010

I feel like I am going to eat that pie that is sitting on my desk. I feel like I am going to take that fork and start shoveling pie into my face faster than you can say, "fat ass."

Here's what I am going to do instead of eating a giant pie. I'm going to talk about what's on the front page of I have no excuse other than I stumbled on their website while literally stumbling. Consequently I have decided that no matter how much I think my life sucks goat balls today, at least I'm not worthy of being talked about on People.

Gary Coleman - Totally sad deal that he passed away, but People felt it wasn't sad enough. Did you know that his wife, Shannon Price, told the 9-1-1 operator that she really couldn't help him? "I've just been kind of sick. I don't want to be traumatized right now." What the hell? I'm gonna do what we're good at in our society and go ahead and find her guilty of some hinky business before I bother with a trial. Lock her up - but give her some echinacea first. We don't want her traumatized until she feels better.

John Travolta and Kelly Preston - He's 56 and she's his 47 year old beard and they're calling her pregnancy a "miracle." As a forty-six year old woman myself, I'm willing to agree with that statement. If my dusty ovaries were to miraculously begin to fire again (with a little help from modern medicine and Scientology money) and I got pregnant by a closeted gay actor who believes he's an alien trapped on planet Earth in a physical body, I would no longer have need of pie. I would kill myself using a rusty spoon and some bailing wire. 

Heidi Montag - She's sad. People has the photo to prove it. I have no idea who the hell she is or why I'm supposed to care. Did she find out she's pregnant with John Travolta's alien spawn, too?

Kim Cattrall - There's a new blunt bob in town, and I don't mean the rude guy at the Safeway. Apparently Kim Cattrall is "sporting" a new, blunt, bob and People is completely shaken up about it. Do we love it or hate it, kids??? People needs to know RIGHT THE HELL NOW! There is a POLL for godsake!

I don't think I feel completely better, but I can find some solace in having seen what's considered highly important at People. Sweet lord. At least I'm if I hit my head and am bleeding out, someone will toss me a towel. At least I'm not pregnant... with alien sperm. And at least my hair is not named after a dim-witted Southern cartoon character.

Praise be and pass the fork. 


Up2DaRack said...

Hmmm, I just checked the latest edition of People Mag and didn't see any articles about me, despite all those Tweets and Facebook updates!

Can you pass me a slice of pie, sweet?

Tidewaterbound said...

I want some pie, and I'll bet my own fat ass you didn't save me any.

"Alone again.... naturally!" said...

Pass it this way too! OMG, they have way too much time on their hands (People that is)! Looking fondly at that lovely pie, Cathy!

Bea Sempere said...

LOL! I say that to myself all the time as I scoop up whatever edible thing happens to cross my path.

Nice post.

Sher said...

Up2Da - Dammit, Jim! Can't believe you didn't make the cover. That just blows.

Bea - I know, right? It's a battle, huh?

Ryan said...

Gary Coleman died?

Congratulations, Tony Cox. You have free reign of the industry.