Thursday, October 16, 2008
Well, I have some good news, but I'm afraid I have to start off with some
sad news. I'm afraid I'm going to have to call off our engagement. It seems
that we got engaged when I signed up for your newsletter. It wasn't the
difficulty explaining this to my wife that became the problem. The problem
arose when I read one of your articles and learned that you are not
particularly fond of middle-aged crazy guys. It could never work between us.
Catch ya on the net! (Or should that be "Catch you in the net"?)
Dear Slightly Creepy Guy Who is Dumping Me but Wants to Capture Me,
I'm saddened to hear we are no longer engaged. Your loss. We could have had 45 wonderful minutes as husband and wife before my divorce attorney bounced you out the front door.
You ARE pretty... pretty frickin' funny! Well, and your face... it's funny
too. NO, I meant it's PRETTY too! You have a face that a zillion ex-husbands
could have loved at one time or another. Sincerely.
I used your "tell a friend" button to tell my wife. She'll think you're funny too, I promise. And if she doesn't I will require her to stop slamming the monkey on your behalf (poor little fellah can't take much more anyway. But I got him for her to spare myself, so I am grateful).
Dear Person Who Loves a Person Who is a Monkey Slammer,
Thank you for the forced compliment. I believe you only get what you ask out of people, which is why I make them tell me I'm pretty or I won't answer their email.
Second - I suggest you control your woman. A monkey slammer is very likely also a penis chopper offer. Stop her before she slams again.
OK, you got me, I don't have a monkey. I was just trying to win points... I didn't think mentioning the giraffe would do the trick. (You wouldn't kill my giraffe, would you?)
Well, I seriously wasn't forcing any compliments. There wasn't anything on your site (your pic included) that wasn't enjoyable, which is why I want to link to it. And I promise I won't steal any articles and not just because I'm afraid of you calling my non-existent monkey names. If I had a monkey, it would already have a name. Probably something African sounding like "Biluba". The giraffe's name is Tim.
When you find something that makes you laugh until you pee, I believe you should spread the pee and so that's why I want to link to your site. And if by some miracle you laugh at my site until you pee then feel free to tell people, if it's not too embarrassing.
Dear David - owner of ComixFarm,
Anyone whose personal philosophy is centered on spreading the pee is someone I consider link worthy.
Tim quit and moved out. Don't ever get a giraffe.
I'm terribly sorry to hear about Tim. You're not the first person I've known who didn't know how to control his giraffe. They require a firm hand.
I was caught unawares that your birthday had quietly passed me by. I, therefore, would like to extend my belated birthday wishes, albeit it cannot be me.
Dear Person Without Even the Most Rudimentary Grasp of Time or Appropriate Social Behavior,
Sweetheart, you should know that a belated birthday wish is one sent a couple days to a week after you've missed a birthday. Six months after a birthday is not belated. It's just bitchy. You may as well have sent me a Hallmark that said, "Sorry I forgot your birthday, but you are just that far down my list of things to think about. You fall right behind wondering what kind of socks John McCain wears and just above how I can use more algebra in my life."
I read your 100 Things and oh my god. I know you! The 35 the 80. I used to twirl fire batons! That's so cool. Too bad you can't really twirl them. You should try!
Dear Bragging Baton Throwing Beeyotch Who is Probably a Size Zero,
No. That is not so cool. You show up in my inbox bragging about your ability to light things on fire and throw them in the air? That stung and if I ever see you in a bar, you'd better run because I plan on lighting your ass on fire and tossing you in the air. How you like me now?
I never wrote you but i taped your sex rules on my refrigerator. thanks.
Dear Slutty McSlut,
Good for you honey. The fact that you own tape and a refrigerator means you are quite a catch and will have occasion to use those rules often. You might think about keeping a copy in your purse, too.
Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Labels: Dear Sher