If I Wuz a Rich Girl.

When I first heard Gwen Stefani's song, "Rich Girl", I was just mad. How dare she ruin one of the best songs from "Fiddler on the Roof"! As ashamed as I am to admit it though, I can't help but like it.

It's a toe tapper like no other.

Even more than that, it really makes a girl think. What if I wuz a rich girl? What if I had all the money in the world?

Hmmm.

Well, first I think I'd buy a house. Not a regular house, either. One of those smart houses. The kind that turn up the heat when you're cold, cook a hot dog for you when you say "cook wiener" and wash Mr. Man's clothes each day so he's not periodically forced to wear his Speedo under his uniform.

Of course, I'd also have to hire someone to be on call 24 hours a day to check the wiring in the house every hour on the hour so that it didn't malfunction and accidentally cook Mr. Man's wiener and wash my hot dogs.

If I wuz a rich girl, I'd also have enough money to be entertained every moment of every day. To that end, I'd purchase a large number of human-sized designer wire cages and keep them in my basement. I'd then buy celebrities that I find entertaining and store them there. Don't worry. I'm not a psycho. I'd hire a trained celebrity feeder to care for them and I'd have only the best crack cocaine and bottled water flown in from New York.

Naturally, I'd buy Drew Carey and Jerry Seinfeld because they make me laugh and James Spader and John McGinley because a girl needs something besides a good laugh now and then. Of course I'd also have women in my celebrity basement. For instance, there would be a special cage for Paris Hilton where everyday she would be forced to actually eat everything on the menu at Carl's Jr. and wear shoes from K-Mart.

If I wuz a rich girl, in the interest of peace I'd also like to buy the world a Coke. Just one Coke. That would really promote peace and togetherness. How could you possibly blow up someone when you've been snuggled up together real close, staring in each other's eyes sipping a Coke?

I'd also have to buy a lot of straws but that's cool 'cause I'm rich. Plus I could probably get a volume discount at World of Straws.

If I wuz a rich girl, I'd be oh so generous with all the little people that weren't rich like me. I'd remain the same old Sher, completely approachable and always ready to lend a helping hand.

Like if I was walking down the street and a bum asked me for some spare change to get something to eat, I would totally have my bodyguard give it to him. In fact, I'd probably even make all my bodyguards keep at least two dollars in nickels and dimes in their pockets at all times just for occasions like these.

I wouldn't wear big diamonds around to try to impress anyone, either. Just a simple tiara with a few sapphires and rubies and that's it. Maybe a diamond studded sash once in a great while, but only if I were going somewhere fancy.

But you know the best part about being a rich girl? I could offer a reward for the capture of Elvis! I'd hire Boy Scouts all over America to make "Lost" posters with the King's picture on them promising a reward of One Go-Zillion Dollars for his safe return. He wouldn't be mad either when they brought him to me. I'm sure he's sick and tired of pumping gas in South Dakota. He and I would sing a duet and it would be the number one seller in history and we'd live happily ever after eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches and force feeding Paris Hilton.

I gotta go. I'm off to buy a lottery ticket.

Copyright © 2004-2005, Sherri Bailey
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