Sunday, January 22, 2006

Ticket for one for Brokeback Mountain, please.

Hollywood is stupid.

(What a writer I am. What a weaver of words. You're lucky to be reading this.)

I'll say it again. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Hollywood eats paste and wears a helmet everywhere it goes because it can't stand to have its ears touched...and here's why:

Brokeback Mountain.

Brokeback Mountain is a movie about two gay cowboys, not that there's anything wrong with that. I haven't seen the movie yet, so that's all I know. I haven't seen the movie because Mr. Man... like every other straight man in the universe... refuses to actually go see it. In fact, he refuses to even drive by the theater where its showing.

One never knows how far gay cooties can jump.

Were Brokeback Mountain a story about two gay cat groomers or a couple of professional gay knitters, maybe... just maybe I could have tricked him into going with me by convincing him it was a comedy. He's totally OK with laughing with the gays. Nobody loves a good Will & Grace "mo" joke as much as Mr. Man.

But as soon as he saw the commercial and figured out Brokeback Mountain was about homosexual cowboys and that there were tears and longing involved, his eyes rolled back in his head and he began simultaneously to spit, burp and scratch in an effort to ward off any gay vibes that might be floating in the air.

Which brings me to the aforementioned stupidity.

If you want to make a movie like this and tell what you believe is an important story, for goodness sake don't tell the straight men of the world the truth. Don't air commercials that even so much as hint at what the movie is really all about.

It's OK to show those good looking cowboys in your ads, but try having them punching each other in the nose or chugging beer or chewing tobacco. (Make sure its real tobacco though... Big League Chew is a no-no as everyone knows it's the gay cowboy favorite.)

In fact, if you can somehow throw in a couple Hooter Girl cowgirls washing dirty horses, even better.

The trick is to get them in the door and then once they've settled in the dark with their tub o'popcorn and their Big Gulp, you can spring it on 'em. Well... after you splash across the screen the following announcement:

"Attention! Anyone seen running from the theater is a flaming homo. Thank you."

You're welcome.

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1 comment:

iam said...

Close but no cigar.
No mysterious gay vibes..or gay bugs flying around.
I work with a couple gay guys, the guy who cuts my hair is gay...this is not a problem..watching two guys butt naked while making humping motions and licking eachothers tounges...that is a problem.

No threat on our "normalness"..this scene for heterosexual men is like you watching two girls throwing up in eachothers face...only worse.