Star date: June 23, 2006.
You should go ahead and mark that date on your calendar right now as the day the OCD Chick committed the first in a string of high profile, extremely imaginative and brilliantly executed crimes which culminated in living out her days in a Mexican prison as the life partner of a murderess named Magnum.
I know what you’re asking yourself right now.
“Sher, isn’t Magnum more of a guy’s name?”
Yes, Jessica Simpson…yes it is.
June 23 I am kidnapping the evil red-headed Berta Lou and taking her on a trip to a secret place I cannot disclose here because she reads my blog more than she reads the Bible. (Note to self: start quoting scripture in this blog so Berta Lou won’t burn in Hell.)
Why am I kidnapping my best friend, you ask? (Hey…your questions are getting better.) I am kidnapping my girl because her birthday is the first week of July and because last year I got her a sucky gift and this year I need to do right by her. So, in honor of her being alive 82 years, I have planned to whisk her away to a chick night in a place that is not here where we will likely break laws and make grown men cry.
Finding a friend like Berta is a once in a lifetime thing and she deserves a once in a lifetime birthday.
The evil red-headed Berta Lou is my shoulder, my priest, my sister, my conscience, my life coach, my birth coach, my news source, my monkey trainer, my advisor, my spiritual guide, my medium and my large.
So, even though she really wants to know and I really want to tell her, I am keeping our exotic June 23rd destination a big, fat secret. The only people that know are Mr. Man and Deputy Pretty and they’re not telling as they believed me when I said I would lop off one or more of their appendages if they breathe a word.
I will however give her three hints, ‘cause that’s the kind of chick I am. If you wanna play the “guess the scene of the crime” game along with Berta, send me the place you think we’re going (firstname.lastname@example.org) and I’ll laugh at you for trying and then make fun of you publicly here on my blog.
Hint #1: Voodoo
Hint #2: My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Hint #3: Smoke on the Water
Let the games begin.
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