Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Quantico sounds like a pony name.

I thought I had a terrible form of super fast growing malignant melanoma on my chest earlier.

Then I realized it was in fact a form of super chocolaty York Peppermint Patty. No further treatment will be necessary.

I knew you’d want to be the first to hear the good news.

With the exception of finding superfluous candy on my boobie that was not cancerous, I’ve had an awful day. Everything I’ve touched has taken me three times as long to do than I planned and my usual brilliance and mad skills have been on the….. ummm….


What’s the word? That one word that sounds like a big, hairy German guy?

Fritz! That’s it. My brilliance and mad skills have been on the fritz.

I should also add that I have been highly cantankerous as well. While Mr. Man and my son have not actually threatened me, I can tell they are about to their limit.

I heard them talking amongst themselves about how far I would actually follow a Peppermint Patty trail and whether my son could remain safely buckled while hanging out the passenger side dropping candy on the interstate at high rates of speed.

Amateurs. Any idiot knows I’m not going to eat chocolate I find on the ground.

Just my own body parts.

I have no idea what’s wrong with me, but gun to my head, I would say it has something to do with Rosie leaving The View. Nothing in the whole world could be as upsetting as Rosie leaving and Donald taking credit and Barbara looking forlorn.

Not war. Not school violence. Not state troopers being gunned down.

At least I can take comfort in the fact that it will be talked about every hour on the hour on every TV station for at least a million hours. I’m so excited to see what Nancy Grace has to say about it, I can hardly contain myself. Hopefully she’ll interview Rosie’s third grade teacher to find out whether she colored inside the lines and then segue into an interview with a forensic talk show scientist from Quantico about the warning signs we all missed.

Either way, I have to find a way to get my head in the game and get back to my old self. I guess there’s only one answer. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Tequila soaked, peppermint flavored, chocolate covered Valium.

Better than even chocolate. Listen and love it. Or else.

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The Drive-by Blogger said...

There is nothing superfluous about candy on a boobie.

Sher said...

LOL. Spoken like a true Drive By Blogger.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps a little vacation Toad Suck, and some new duds from Cooter's House Of Sleeveless Shirts would brighten your day and get the creative juices flowing.

Sher said...

You're walking around in my head, TSG. And thanks for the new car for my birthday.

Jami said...

We (and that's both the ROYAL and EDITORIAL "WE" but since there's only one degree of we-ness you have to imagine a really big "WE") (not to be confused with the double "WE", which as you know only relates to an excretory bodily function) (what ADD?) refer to such days as the Times of the Passionate Fingers ...

(wait for it)

you know ...

(here it comes)

when everything you touch is screwed.

Sher said...


Oui Oui.

Jaesoreal said...

Once I found out about Rosie I had to take leave for the rest of the week. This is like my own personal Pearl Harbor with the View being the harbor, Trump, being Japan and Rosie being a chocolate stain on the breast of Barbara Walters as she walks on the harbor!

Diesel said...

Ah yes. The breakfast of champions.

Sher said...

"chocolate stain on the breast of Barbara Walters". That's beautiful. You're a poet, right?

People don't say "ah yes" nearly enough.

Brent said...

I assume that you meant 'better than chocolate' in a purely hypothetical sense, since there is no such thing in the real world.

I am guessing that this whole incident has been caused by View related trauma, and your skills will soon return to their proper place in your skill-holder-thing.