Monday, April 23, 2007

Wal-Mart is the Devil.

Rather than counting days now, its only a matter of hours until I am officially one year older. Stupid hours.

I was in Wal-Mart a couple days ago, minding my own business, acting all un-forty-three and everything and totally buying things that a real old lady would never buy. There were no Depends in my cart, no Polident and not one single prune in any shape or form.

I wasn't dressed like an old lady, either. I wasn't wearing an "outfit" with cats or butterflies or cats playing with butterflies on it. No way my shorts and t-shirt were ever for sale on the Home Shopping Network.

I wasn't even carrying a purse. No big old zipper thing with ten outside pockets (all of them full of disposable rain bonnets and handi-wipes) was hanging on my arm. In fact the only thing I did have in my hands was my wallet and my phone. Everybody knows old ladies do not carry Razrs. (Unless they happen to have a Bic in their giant purse on the off chance they run into Monte Hall and he wants to make a deal.)

Crap. A little old lady reference just slipped out.

So anyway, armed with all that info could someone please, for the love of God, tell me why a 100 year old man winked at me in the checkout line, walked around my cart to stand within kissing distance of me and struck up a conversation with this opening line, "You probably weren't around during WWII, but when I was over there, we used to buy Coke syrup and put it in water. It was the closest thing to Coke we could get and even though it tasted awful, we'd drink it. You remember Coke syrup?"

You'll pardon my French when I say WHAT THE HELL???

Probably! I PROBABLY wasn't around in WWII? When did I go from "you definitely weren't around during the last World War", to "you look like there is a chance that maybe your sugar was once rationed".

Am I putting off some invisible vibe or high-pitched sound that attracts men who wear cologne that comes in a brown bottle shaped like an old car? Surely I must be sliding downhill if somebody's great-grandfather thinks I'm Florence Henderson hot.

Ugh.

It could be worse I guess. I could have been so thankful that a man (who isn't forced to do so by law and threat of having to spend at least three hours talking about our relationship) was flirting with me, that I tilted my head, batted my eyes and giggled.

Yeah I did. I so did.

~*~*~*
It's hard to know when its OK to laugh again, isn't it? Life goes on, as they say, but differently to be sure. My thoughts, heart and sincerest sympathy remains with the family, friends and survivors of the Va. Tech tragedy.

kd lang: Hallelujah. Perfection.






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10 comments:

Flutterby said...

Ok. So I've only got 2 years and probably several hours on you. You still look very much younger in the pic you had up. I get to spend the wee early hours of my birthday tomorrow taking my hubby in for some minor surgery. Wheehaw!

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

In your profile you posted your age as 250.

That's all I'm gonna say about that.

Sher said...

Flutter,
That's right! You said we share the 4-24. I also share it with a niece and an old friend, and now you. All the cool kids wish their birthday were on 4-24. (Happy Birthday to you.)

Alpha,
I look pretty hot for 250, right?

Mark Simmons said...

Happy Birthday Sher. Looking forward to enjoying your blog for another year.
By the way, who IS Monte Hall?

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Yes, ma'am.
You look awesome!

Even for 250.

Tidewaterbound said...

Happy "early" Birthday Sher--43 isn't so bad. Wait a coupla more years when you KNOW you are on the backside of your 40's and come whine. I lost a whole year that way once. I didn't realize it and thought I was already a year older than I was. That was 45.

Remember Darlin', perception IS reality.

Hugs to ya,

Carol (Tide)

ArkansasAnnie said...

Happy Birthday Sher
See you at Toad Suck Daze! (LOL)

Sher said...

Mark,
Hahaha to you for the Monte Hall crack. You gave me a Happy BD though, so I'm letting you off with a warning.

Alpha,
250 doesn't work on everybody, but on me somehow it does.

Tide,
I lost a year once, but it had nothing to do with age.

AA,
Maybe I'll get tickets to Toad Suck Daze for my birthday. I'd better get my sleeveless flannel shirt pressed just in case.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Happy Birthday Sher, I'm not ashamed to admit that I know who Monty Hall is...just ashamed to admit that I ever watched his show.

By the way, you don't look a day over 200!

Sher said...

Drive by,

You're not ashamed b/c guys don't feel shame regarding age. (or anything). Only women walk around trying to suck our wrinkles in.

Thanks for the HB wish. If I had a nickel every time someone told me I didn't look a day over 200. ;-)