Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Divorce in Ten Easy Steps

I am a big fan of marriage. I’m an even bigger fan of divorce. That’s why I do both as often as possible.

Frequently I am asked, “Hey, Sher. How can I too get a divorce?” Because I am a person who believes in helping my fellow man no matter how stupid their questions may be, I have decided to offer my top ten tips for causing, getting and ending in divorce. Of course, this is by no means an exhaustive list as I am an expert and as such, have at least a book’s worth of divorce how-to instruction.

But this will definitely get you started.

1. The very first thing one must do to ensure any marriage will end in divorce is to marry the wrong person in the first place. I realize it can be difficult to determine if the person you want to marry is truly the wrong person, but this is an important step and one you cannot overlook. If you are a woman, I suggest choosing a man who swears at his Mother or tells you he’s only jealous because you’re so pretty. If you’re a man, always go with the woman who says yes when you pop the question during sex. You can’t miss.

2. Once you’ve found the person you hope to grow to hate, try to marry as quickly as possible and spend as much money as you can in the process. Nothing gets the divorce ball rolling like rushing to the altar…unless it’s going in debt to do it.

3. If you can produce offspring within the first one year or less of your marriage, you are totally on the right track. A screaming, smelly midget who never leaves is exactly what every newly married couple needs. The best part is that kids come in super handy later on when it’s time to start sending hateful messages to each other.

4. Spend every single second together. Don’t go anywhere without the other one, don’t have interests that the two of you can’t share, and if your partner even thinks of going somewhere without you, throw an honest to goodness fit. Only people who aren’t planning on getting a divorce need friends during their marriage. After all, there will be plenty of time once you are separated to convince everyone it was your spouse’s fault you were a snob.

5. Argue as often as possible, about as many things as possible and with as much drama as possible. Scream, throw things, spit, whatever it takes. It also helps to bring up things he or she has done in the past. Ladies, now is the time to remind your spouse you didn’t appreciate the fact that he got drunk at his bachelor party. Sure, he apologized and sure you said you forgave him but forgiving does not mean forgetting. If he didn’t get you the ruby ring you wanted for your anniversary, hit him. Every woman knows men are mind readers. (They keep the technology in their testicles so you won’t find it.)

Guys, unless you bought your wife on www.UglyVirgins.com, she was “with” someone before you and she still wants him. You know she never “forgot” to wash his favorite shirt because doing the laundry and cooking supper is how women show love. If you take the time to explain to her how your ex used to show love, you have automatically scored bonus divorce points and will advance onto the next round.

6. When the sex shifts from hourly to bi-weekly and nobody is bruised or splinted in the making of it, you should assume you no longer love your partner and they no longer love you. Simple math says sex equals love.

7. Marriage is always fifty-fifty. To be certain everything is equal, I recommend a score card.

8. Belittle your partner’s appearance as often as you can find the time. He/she does not look the way they did on your wedding day and there can be no excuse. Call attention to their weight gain, hair loss, sagging skin and that stray hair on their belly button that keeps growing back. You are gorgeous and you look exactly the same if not better. You are way out of their league.

9. Men, the word bitch is your ace in the hole. Whether used loudly or under your breath, women respond to it. Scientifically you will appreciate knowing that every woman is born with a limited tolerance to hearing it. Your job is to repeat the word until you figure out where her threshold is.

Ladies, it’s interesting to note that men value pop relationship quizzes. It has something to do with testosterone. If he cannot tell you what you were wearing the first time he ever saw you, he hates your guts and is having an affair.

10. Throughout my years of research, I have found the compare/contrast method works best in a determined march towards divorce. Take a look at all the marriages around you and meticulously compare yours to theirs. While watching television and movies, note the ways your spouse is not at all like the ones you see. Marriage really is a freaking fairy tale and everyone but you is living the dream.

Not to worry though. If you follow my advice you’ll have at least a couple more chances to find wedded perfection at the end of the rainbow. It’ll be right next to the pot of gold and the small man with red hair and pointy shoes. (Maybe you can marry him.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The way tainted love was meant to be.






Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
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9 comments:

Nancy said...

Not only funny, but oh so true.

I have a marriage or two, or three on my score card.

I will add, I am friends with my ex's ... I never burned bridges, or raped their finances on the way out.

Three and out, I am done .... unless I meet a billionaire, on life support, in a power outage kinda rainstorm!

PS ... I am proficient at filing and writing divorce papers, I never used a lawyer ... why give 2 lawyers 15K each?

Jami said...

(Since I have no experience in this area, I'll have to rely on my observations of friends.)
#1 - I would think that the odds would be in favor of picking the wrong partner if you just pick one at random. Say, the third guy from the end of the bar or the gal that's the most/least drunk.
#2 - I've seen folks so efficient that they get the divorce before the wedding by pushing hard to get married when the other partner is still reluctant to do so.
#6 and #7 - sex should be one of the things on the score card.

LarryLilly said...

Three types of sex when married, Stage one: kitchen sex, wipe of everything on the table, get after it, to hell with the dishes (their melamine anyway)
Stage two, bedroom sex, you enjoy the slow speed of getting it all.
Stage three, hallway sex, as you pass each other in the hallway you blurt out "F you"!

The best way to start a divorce is never stop seeing HER girlfriends, for lunch, alone!

I knew a couple back in the days of land line phones, and he got a phone ID machine put up in the attic where she couldnt see it, only to find out that she had one placed in a closet, so each could see whom the other talked to. LOL

Sher said...

Nancy,
If I use you to handle my divorces, will I get a punch card? You know, a free one after ten.

Jami,
No divorce? Bless your heart. I'm sorry.

Larry,
That seems like a lot of s*x anyway you put it. (I can't spell the actual word here because my soon to be 23 year old daughter reads my blog.)

TSG said...

I really like the 10 step program. Unfortunately It is of no help to me(yet). So what advice (or smart remarks) do you have about me? You know my status.

Cooter a 3 time looser says "when I need a woman I just buy one"
No easy chore in Toad Suck.

Catwoman said...

Hysterical!

I would think that for subsequent marriages, calling the grown child of your spouse hot stuff or damn sexy would also be effective.

Jami said...

I know - I've led a sheltered life. Pity me.

Sher said...

TSG,
I suggest just throwing a rock there in Toad Suck and marrying whatever you hit.

Catwoman,
Oh sweet heavens. That is bad news.

Jami,
Consider yourself pitied.

TSG said...

Got The Message