Monday, August 20, 2007

The Baptists are coming! The Baptists are coming!

As I sit here this morning, slamming coffee as fast as I can swallow and googling "how to fake your own death", I am reasonably certain I am heading for a complete melt down. I can feel the crazy so close, I keep turing around to check for a guy with wild hair and a hat made out of aluminum sneaking up on me.

When I get like this it's never one thing that got me here. It's always more like a big bunch of little upsets during which I stuffed the OCD bubble down instead of letting it fly. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a lot like a shaken pop bottle. If you release it slowly and carefully, nobody gets covered in sticky.

Let's just say that I'm in such a state, it is highly likely anyone who stands near me today is going to need a roll of paper towels.

Why? Why am I a lovely bunch of coconuts this morning?

My Father is on his way. Even as I typed that, I burped OCD a little. Now I feel like I can't use the "g" on my key board any more or somethin- bad will happen. That's just -reat.

I have cleaned everythin- in my house in preparation for his inspection... I mean visit. I have also spent a stupid amount of money on thin-s that I am hopeful will make me appear to have it all to-ether and not at all crazy.

There are new pots and pans so that he'll never know I've been usin- the same ones for several husbands now.

New pillows, new bathroom stuff, new back yard thin-s.

I even have a new water filter because I worried the stuff that currently comes out of the faucet is not clean enou-h for the man who raised me.

Another bubble. Damn. Now I have to -o wash my hands. Han- on. I'll be back.

OK. I washed the crazy off. Back to my Father's visit.

Crap. Did you know the word Father has that certain number of letters that I don't like? You know...the one between five and seven? That's bad. I can -et throu-h this thou-h. I'll just say Daddy instead.

Daddy. Look at all the d's in that word. That's three d's in one word. I'm not a fan of three either, but I can tolerate it so lon- as I don't allow myself to mentally multiply it.

Too late. Multiplication has taken place.

It isn't that Pop is a bad -uy. On the contrary. He has a -reat respect for women who keep a clean house, know how to make li-ht and fluffy biscuits and who don't -et married every time the wind blows. He especially likes people who aren't crazy because as far as he and the rest of my family are concerned, crazy people are like knuckle-poppers. If we'd all do somethin- else with our hands, we'd be fine.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

Pop. One, two, three. Devil's. One, two, three, four, five, number I hate. Lovely.

So you see, the -uy who is -oin- to show up here early tomorrow mornin- is not just some man. He is the Bi- -uy. He holds the keys to the bolted door to the room where my self esteem lives a quiet little life, hidin- underneath the table.

I'm sorry to cut you off so abruptly kids, but it's time to -o to work and I have yet to boil my Yorkies in peroxide.

Don't freak out. I'm really just -ivin- them a bath, but the words "boil" and "peroxide" make me happy.
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TSG said...

Good Luck.
Stalk, Stalk, Stalk.

Jami said...

Damn ... oops, sorry Baptist Sher's Dad ... Dan-, -irl! I think you scared everybody off! Except your official stalker, of course.

Pamela Kay Morgan said...

Hang in there girl. This too shall pass.

Sher said...


Thank you so much. You know how I love the stalking.


Stop swearing!!!!! You're totally gonna get me in trouble.

Pamela Kay Morgan,

Like a gallstone? LOL! Actually we are having a great time and I'm very happy to have them here.

Pinks and Blues said...

YOur post made me laugh... you are a great writer... even some of my OCD's were coming out as I read it!! Thanks for sharing.. and now, HOW DID THE VISIT GO!!!??
Love your blog!!
- Audrey
Pinks & Blues

Flutterby said...

I found my own OCD coming out and realizing "daddy" has that fateful hateful number of letters too and wondered why you were using it, lol. I now have a two and a half hour period on Wednesday and Thursday when I can just let my OCD fly; my son spends those time slots at the computer lab so there is no one else here but the dogs and other critters to watch. And they sure aren't telling anything on me...

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

So, why do you not like that one certain number?

Hope your visit went well.


oh, and ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.
(see? it wasn't so bad)

Catwoman said...

See, I don't have OCD, and yet when my (catholic) mother comes to visit I develop it, as well as anxiety and all sorts of other conditions. You expressed exactly how I feel about my mother.

Sad that we can never grow up and take charge, isn't it? It's like we forever remain in the role we had as kids.

I wonder if we'd get a discount if we went to therapy together, what with us having the same issues and all.

Sher said...

Pinks & Blues,

Thank you! The visit went very well.


Sometimes you gots to let the crazy out somewhere safe so that it doesn't spatter on everyone around.


OCD thing with regard to the number. I joke, but it's real.


You go to therapy and then write me and tell me everything Therapist tells you to do. It'll be bargain basement mental health for me, but I'll take it.