I'm looking for that new friend smell.

I am in search of new friends. Not additional friends as in I'm going to keep the ones I have while I add to that number.

Nope. I mean I am cleaning house and getting some brand spanking new friends and the sooner, the better.

Here's why.

My current friends have never once asked me if I would like to go in halfsies in a Powerball ticket. Evidently they all want to be stupid rich and then have parties where they show slides of me eating out of a trash can.

One of my current friends continually threatens to break up with me. What kind of grown up threatens to break up when things don't go their way? I would never do something like that. When things don't go my way I do the adult thing and start a rumor that said friend confided in me that he has a tiny penis because he was in a freak French poodle accident.

I also need new friends because no friend of mine has ever asked if I would like to go caroling. And I would. I really would. I want to dress up in one of those caroler costumes with a big bonnet and force my religious beliefs on unsuspecting people in the comfort of their own home.

Plus I'd get to sing "God rest ye merry gentlemen". It makes me giggle.

Not one friend has ever started a drive to raise the funds necessary to get me one of those monkeys used in lab experiments. You know. The kind that have had to solve puzzles to get Vienna Sausages dropped through a tube so they're crazy smart.

A real friend should know that a crazy smart Vienna Sausage eating monkey would complete me.

The kind of friends I'm looking for have certain qualities that are terribly important.

First of all, they need to be devoted to me in a way that is just a little creepy. When I drop by their houses, I'd like to see an area... doesn't have to be a large area...with a photo of me and candles burning beneath it in my honor. Nothing elaborate. Just a little makeshift altar.

Second, they need to be available to me. When I can't sleep (like now), I should be able to call them and immediately be sung to sleep. I don't want any of those songs about me being in a cradle in a tree for some damn reason and then falling down either. I want a lullaby that is about me and if they really love me, I'm gonna want it to rhyme and have a happy ending. Maybe something about me being elected President or having eyes that melt even the hardest of hearts.

If you would like to submit your application to my circle, please contact humorwriter@gmail.com with your qualifications. References are optional, but rhyming is not.

Good luck.





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