Sunday, November 11, 2007

Why don't I know anybody named Roger Wilco?

I'm stoned. Wait a minute. I didn't mean to say stoned. I meant to say I'm stoned.

I woke up unwell this morning and in a great deal of pain. I won't go into the details here, but I thought perhaps I might die right away. I am still not convinced that I won't wake up dead in the morning. I hope not though because I don't have any make-up on.

In an effort to keep me from screaming out in pain, or talking, or being awake, Mr. Man gave me drugs. Legal drugs I think, but still drugs. I have been loopie ever since and even as I write, I still have pain...but I could care less.

A big shout out to Big Pharm for all the good work you do.

I've slept a lot today and that's quite unusual for me. In between long naps during which I dream about having arm surgery to make them shorter, I've been sitting around the house petting an imaginary ferret. The good news is I am at least coherent enough to realize my furry friend isn't real. The better news is I'm wasted enough to continue to pet him.

Such a pretty kitty.

My thinking is a little askew and despite my altered state, I know it. For instance, never before in my life have I felt I learned an important lesson about relationships during an episode of Gunsmoke. When I saw the way Festus looked at Lilly Munster, despite her ashen skin and all the crazy schemes she and her friend Ethel cooked up, I knew I was forever changed.

A big shout out to TV Land for all the good work you do.

Have you ever noticed what a weird word "do" is? Do.

Do, do do.

Do rhymes with moo which rhymes with you and blickety-blue. Perhaps I should give the exciting and fast paced world of poem writing a try as it seems I have a natural talent. I can't believe I never noticed that before. It's like I was a poet and yet I did not know it.

There I go again. I guess you either have it or you don't and it is crystal clear to me now that I have a lot of it.

I'd love to hang around and rhyme more words for your poem enjoyment, but I am beginning to feel more pain and so sadly, I must take another dose of my completely legal but totally awesome medication. Besides, the ferret has to go potty and if I don't let him out now, he'll keep me awake all night.

Sher out.


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11 comments:

Flutterby said...

Well I don't know what you were on today but I was on hydrocodone... I have bronchitis and it keeps me from coughing up toenails. It's some pretty good shit too lemma tell ya. And I was certainly feelin' no pain. Enough that I was watching Space 1999. And it was all making perfect sense. Seriously.

Donna said...

OMG - I'd like to know what he gave you, too. Not because I'm pain. But because I want to see the pretty kitty, too.

Sher said...

Flutter,

HC makes me forcefully vomit. Glad you enjoyed it though!

Donna,

Muscle relaxer. And boy did it.

TSG said...

It is incredible how you can be in pain and still maintain your sense of humor, and considerable writing skills. That's something I envy! Any irresponsible bum can adopt my lifestyle (just ask my sisters)
Hope you are feeling better soon.
I left you a note. I'm outta here.

Jami said...

I've never petted a ferret. Can I come over and pet yours? In a completely open and just girl-friendly way, of course. Oh, should I bring my own bag-o-big-pharm or will you still have enough left to share?

(Hope you get to feeling better ... without the "assistance".)

Bunny Bunster said...

Dontcha just HATE it when you wake up in the morning only to realize that, you know, your, like, DEAD?
It just starts that day out on a wrong note.

Flutterby said...

Sher it usually does that to me as well. I've never been able to take it. In pill form only, apparently. Cause this stuff is liquid and tastes so extremely NASTY because it's got an expectorant in it and that is some very very... VERY... bitter stuff. I mixed it with orange juice and a ton of sugar and it even stayed down. I am thinking a shot or two of tequila and a nice squeeze of lime might make it taste even better if I need it today.

karendelaney said...

BIG shout out to Big Pharm baby! And the word do is very strange indeed...but not as strange as

scissors

that word just Freaks Me Out.

Sher said...

TSG,

Didn't I tell you I'm incredible? Beating a dead horse here.

Jami,

You are officially the first person to ask if you may pet my ferret. Of course, I never say no. It's impolite.

Bunn,

Pisses me right off.

Flutter,

Mmm. Tequila and medicine. Party at your house.

Karen,

Scissors. Scissors. Ew. You're right.

Dave said...

Being stoned is no excuse for making the mistake of using, "I could care less," when you really mean, "I could not care less." There is a difference!

Otherwise, it's an awesome post.

Sher said...

Ladies and gentlemen, Major Dave of the Couldn't Care Less Mounted Police.

Thanks, Dave. I promise next time I'm stoned I'll be more careful. ;-)