Friday, January 16, 2009

What I Know for Sure: my legs could get a lot hairier.

Oprah thinks she's the only one who knows stuff for sure and she brags about it in every magazine she sends me.

While I may not have a magazine with my name on the cover (if you don't count the ones on my coffee table that have my name on the address label), I do know plenty of stuff for sure.

Exhibit A:

I know that a gaggle of birds can't make my Ford fall out of the sky. Reason number 869 humans should not ride in airplanes. (Yes - I said gaggle of birds.)

I know that gaggle sounds like a word one would use in rough sex, as in, "Wow Bob, I very much enjoy it when you gaggle me."

I know that Ann Coulter's mother should have had her ears clipped at the vet when she was born. Every time I see them sticking out of her Marcia Brady hairdo I am overcome with the desire to staple them to her head.

I know that the first day of the rest of my life was yesterday, so today the pressure is off.

I know that the Real Wives of Atlanta, New York and Orange County are clear examples of all that is vile in this world, but I would need an A&E Intervention to stop watching them.

I know that the conspicuous absence of a giant, big screen TV in my house is precisely the reason I have a sore throat, my dogs are ill behaved and my 401K is worth about $50 more than my Franklin Mint George W. Bush commemorative plate collection.

I know that just because my Wii Fit told me I am "unbalanced", that doesn't mean I need to check myself into The Amy Winehouse Hospital for the Big-Haired and Mentally Twisted. (Even if I do have my frequent flyer punch card that entitles me to one free stay with just two more punches.)

I know
that although I complement them every day, my boobs have no self esteem. That's why they're always looking down.

I know that if Mr. Man continues to spurn my Rogaine advances, I am going to start using it on my legs.

I know spurn is what French people use to eat their Oatey-O's every morning because I'm a Southern bilingual. We are convinced if we add a fake accent to any word and simply say it slow enough and loud enough, all the peoples of the world can understand us.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I know I can't get enough of this song - despite the fact my daughter will have a hissy.


Love Lockdown - Kanye West




Copyright © Sherri Bailey
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Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.

13 comments:

Flutterby said...

Awwww get the big screen HD. We did. It makes it even more fun to laugh at people playing things on the Wii.

Sher said...

Please send your non-tax deductible contributions to "Buy the Poor a Big Screen" to me - the OCD Chick c/o The Ghetto.

Elizabeth said...

I LOVE the Atlanta housewives. Nene was the best.

Sher said...

Kitten - aren't they the honest to goodness trashiest, cheapest, craziest of them all??? Good times, good times.

Cher said...

Thanks for the laughs tonight. I even read them outloud to my dogs and husband. Husband laughed outloud but the dogs only smiled. I think it was the Ann Coulter-getting-her-ears-clipped-at-the vet comment that made them hold back the chuckles!

The Texas Woman

Sher said...

Cher - I feel like I'm talking to myself when I say thanks for the thanks. And tell your dogs I said they suck. ;-)

Cher said...

I told them but they said that's impossible. But they did tell me to tell you that they do lick a lot. And I mean A LOT. They're overlickers! Hmmm, I think I'll blog about that!

I'm putting you on my blog roll. I gotta keep up with you!

The Texas Woman

Sher said...

Cher - your dogs have a quick wit. I like that.

Wow - I checked out your blog and you're a pretty busy chick.

Dancing65Roses said...

This post made my day! Thanks for the laughs - I needed them today.

I also think Ann Coulter's mother should have glued that girl's mouth shut. She'd seem so much smarter that way.

jleger said...

You're doing pretty good for a gal (what we females call one another in Texas) who professes
to have little else to do but amuse oneself and
scour the net for other blogs. I enjoyed my
visit!

Sher said...

Dancing - You're welcome and thank you for stopping by. I agree about AC.

Jleger - And I enjoyed that you enjoyed your visit. I hope you'll be back. Don't forget Wednesdays are All You Can Eat Shrimp Night!

Dancing65Roses said...

I think you're my new favorite blog, and therefore I'm going to Facebook you so we can be bestest friends forever! And... I'm going to link you on my blog :-) Only the cool kids end up there.

Jami said...

Ann Coulter's ears - superglue hairspray: spritz it on and stick 'em down. And with creative use of overspray, maybe we could get her lips stuck down, too.

I LOVE Wii Fit! It said my physical age is 39! (No word on mental or emotional age.)