While I may not have a magazine with my name on the cover (if you don't count the ones on my coffee table that have my name on the address label), I do know plenty of stuff for sure.
I know that a gaggle of birds can't make my Ford fall out of the sky. Reason number 869 humans should not ride in airplanes. (Yes - I said gaggle of birds.)
I know that gaggle sounds like a word one would use in rough sex, as in, "Wow Bob, I very much enjoy it when you gaggle me."
I know that Ann Coulter's mother should have had her ears clipped at the vet when she was born. Every time I see them sticking out of her Marcia Brady hairdo I am overcome with the desire to staple them to her head.
I know that the first day of the rest of my life was yesterday, so today the pressure is off.
I know that the Real Wives of Atlanta, New York and Orange County are clear examples of all that is vile in this world, but I would need an A&E Intervention to stop watching them.
I know that the conspicuous absence of a giant, big screen TV in my house is precisely the reason I have a sore throat, my dogs are ill behaved and my 401K is worth about $50 more than my Franklin Mint George W. Bush commemorative plate collection.
I know that just because my Wii Fit told me I am "unbalanced", that doesn't mean I need to check myself into The Amy Winehouse Hospital for the Big-Haired and Mentally Twisted. (Even if I do have my frequent flyer punch card that entitles me to one free stay with just two more punches.)
I know that although I complement them every day, my boobs have no self esteem. That's why they're always looking down.
I know that if Mr. Man continues to spurn my Rogaine advances, I am going to start using it on my legs.
I know spurn is what French people use to eat their Oatey-O's every morning because I'm a Southern bilingual. We are convinced if we add a fake accent to any word and simply say it slow enough and loud enough, all the peoples of the world can understand us.
I know I can't get enough of this song - despite the fact my daughter will have a hissy.
Love Lockdown - Kanye West
Copyright © Sherri Bailey
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