While I may not have a magazine with my name on the cover (if you don't count the ones on my coffee table that have my name on the address label), I do know plenty of stuff for sure.
Exhibit A:
I know that a gaggle of birds can't make my Ford fall out of the sky. Reason number 869 humans should not ride in airplanes. (Yes - I said gaggle of birds.)
I know that gaggle sounds like a word one would use in rough sex, as in, "Wow Bob, I very much enjoy it when you gaggle me."
I know that Ann Coulter's mother should have had her ears clipped at the vet when she was born. Every time I see them sticking out of her Marcia Brady hairdo I am overcome with the desire to staple them to her head.
I know that the first day of the rest of my life was yesterday, so today the pressure is off.
I know that the Real Wives of Atlanta, New York and Orange County are clear examples of all that is vile in this world, but I would need an A&E Intervention to stop watching them.
I know that the conspicuous absence of a giant, big screen TV in my house is precisely the reason I have a sore throat, my dogs are ill behaved and my 401K is worth about $50 more than my Franklin Mint George W. Bush commemorative plate collection.
I know that just because my Wii Fit told me I am "unbalanced", that doesn't mean I need to check myself into The Amy Winehouse Hospital for the Big-Haired and Mentally Twisted. (Even if I do have my frequent flyer punch card that entitles me to one free stay with just two more punches.)
I know that although I complement them every day, my boobs have no self esteem. That's why they're always looking down.
I know that if Mr. Man continues to spurn my Rogaine advances, I am going to start using it on my legs.
I know spurn is what French people use to eat their Oatey-O's every morning because I'm a Southern bilingual. We are convinced if we add a fake accent to any word and simply say it slow enough and loud enough, all the peoples of the world can understand us.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I know I can't get enough of this song - despite the fact my daughter will have a hissy.
Love Lockdown - Kanye West
Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
13 comments:
Awwww get the big screen HD. We did. It makes it even more fun to laugh at people playing things on the Wii.
Please send your non-tax deductible contributions to "Buy the Poor a Big Screen" to me - the OCD Chick c/o The Ghetto.
I LOVE the Atlanta housewives. Nene was the best.
Kitten - aren't they the honest to goodness trashiest, cheapest, craziest of them all??? Good times, good times.
Thanks for the laughs tonight. I even read them outloud to my dogs and husband. Husband laughed outloud but the dogs only smiled. I think it was the Ann Coulter-getting-her-ears-clipped-at-the vet comment that made them hold back the chuckles!
The Texas Woman
Cher - I feel like I'm talking to myself when I say thanks for the thanks. And tell your dogs I said they suck. ;-)
I told them but they said that's impossible. But they did tell me to tell you that they do lick a lot. And I mean A LOT. They're overlickers! Hmmm, I think I'll blog about that!
I'm putting you on my blog roll. I gotta keep up with you!
The Texas Woman
Cher - your dogs have a quick wit. I like that.
Wow - I checked out your blog and you're a pretty busy chick.
This post made my day! Thanks for the laughs - I needed them today.
I also think Ann Coulter's mother should have glued that girl's mouth shut. She'd seem so much smarter that way.
You're doing pretty good for a gal (what we females call one another in Texas) who professes
to have little else to do but amuse oneself and
scour the net for other blogs. I enjoyed my
visit!
Dancing - You're welcome and thank you for stopping by. I agree about AC.
Jleger - And I enjoyed that you enjoyed your visit. I hope you'll be back. Don't forget Wednesdays are All You Can Eat Shrimp Night!
I think you're my new favorite blog, and therefore I'm going to Facebook you so we can be bestest friends forever! And... I'm going to link you on my blog :-) Only the cool kids end up there.
Ann Coulter's ears - superglue hairspray: spritz it on and stick 'em down. And with creative use of overspray, maybe we could get her lips stuck down, too.
I LOVE Wii Fit! It said my physical age is 39! (No word on mental or emotional age.)
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