Thursday, March 12, 2009

Take that you sorry scum sucking monkey licking short person.

Oh God. Bristol Palin has broken up with her Baby Daddy! As I'm sure you are, I am just sick about it. I can't eat, I can't drink (except tequila) and my stomach is in knots.

To be fair that could be because I'm so upset or because I've been drinking tequila on an empty stomach.

Somebody tell me why, OH WHY, is Bristol's break up on the news? What in the hell has happened to this country? A high school girl who got knocked up is so NOT news. A high school girl who breaks up with her boyfriend is beyond NOT news.

Listen, I made an art form out of breaking up with guys when I was in high school and no one ever had the decency to even mention it on AM radio. I once broke up with a guy because his teeth looked funny. He was tall, dark and handsome, too... until he smiled.

I tried desperately not to be so superficial. I also tried never to say anything funny or nice around him. In fact, I'd start every date by climbing up in his Jeep and telling him my cat died or I'd just found out I was going to have to have my leg amputated below the knee.

It was no use. He was a happy person who simply insisted on smiling. He had to go.

Then there was the guy who referenced Ted Nugent way more than was necessary or tolerable. First of all, Ted never said anything that made any sense to anyone. Second, what kind of person worships at the alter of Ted Nugent?

He was gone in short order. As soon as I got my Valentine's gift, it was so over.

Recently through the power of Facebook I've reconnected with someone that I ran around with all through high school. His girlfriend was my BFF and they dated for a million years. Since they stuck it out together and I was always switching boys to match my outfit, we were like a three headed teenage monster.

I got an email from him the other day offering to retroactively beat up an old boyfriend of mine. At first I said ha ha ha at the idea of going back in time and punching someone in the eye because he was a short goober who acted like I was his goobery possession.

But upon further reflection I've decided that would be awesome.

I think he should track the guy down, walk into his place of employment and begin wailing on him while yelling, "You were mean to Sherri in 1981 you son of a monkey licker!"

Maybe that would make the news. I know it would be a hell of a lot more interesting than Bristol Palin's love life. Then again, so is watching my dog try to eat peanut butter.


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7 comments:

TSG said...

Sher
As Designated Stalker, if In the future there is anyone (other than women) that needs beat-up, I feel it my right & privilege as DS to have first choice to do so. Provided I have Cooter backing me up of course.
Cooter has a real propensity for fisticuffs. If you recall the photo of him (2nd from left) by the loader you know why.
TSG

Flutterby said...

It must have come from the same person at CNN who thought I seriously wanted to know... through a FREAKING BREAKING NEWS NOTICE no less, that Michael Jackson was working up a farewell tour. Seriously. CNN thought that was important enough to send to MY CELL PHONE. CNN is no longer on my Twitter list. And I still don't give a freaking hairy RATS ASS about Michael Jackson. Or Bristol Palin.

Having to watch my own high school daughter go through a bad breakup a couple months ago and the fact that there was a skank other girl involved, made me want to go kick some ass myself. I managed to control the urge and just drove everyone nuts blogging about it instead. Because you know... if it annoys you and you want to kick MY ass over it? well.. ya gotta find me first.

AND I think TSG is the most AWESOME stalker EVER. Because my stalker would never be so nice as to offer to do the ass kicking for me.

Cher said...

A Palin is in the news for the same reason late night comedians are STILL beating up George Bush. Main stream news media are in the 2012 bag already for Dems and Mother Palin was a strong draw for the Republicans so let's bash her by showing what a poor mother she must be. If Bush had pulled some of the crap Obama has pulled already, Letterman and Leno would have to expand their monologs!

Stepping off my soapbox now.

The Texas Woman

Sher said...

Oh TSG. Be still my heart. Give Cooter a big old hug for me. I'm sure he'd like that.

Flutter - It's wicked when your kid goes through it. And as far as MJ_ WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO THAT SHOW?

Cher - Oh Texas Woman. My Democrat self is virtually hugging your Republican self right now while singing Ebony & Ivory.

Did you all just see what I did there? I managed to work the Michael Jackson comment from Flutter into my reply to Texas Woman. Impressive.

Cher said...

You're good, all right, you cute little pinko! Hug accepted and returned!

Mean-spirited Texas Woman

Sher said...

I'd comment Cher but I'm late. I should have hugged the tree in my front yard like an hour ago. :-)

Jami said...

Bristol who? I know a Bristol Meyers, but if I remember rightly she's a mite old to be a Baby Momma.