Friday, March 13, 2009

The Texas Institute for the Study of Saliva and Wolverine Cravings


Before we move onto your regularly scheduled programming today, here's a quick note for my female readers. I am currently conducting a highly scientific study of the male psyche using some real life males as my subjects. Stay tuned for some deep and life changing insights coming up next week.

OK so I've been keeping my menopausal life on the down low. Some years ago I was told I was in menopause, but then the pause stopped and as it turned out all the bad hormonal BS was attributed to Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and I left bio-identical HRT in the past.

But taaaa-daaaaa - it's back. And when I say it's back, what I really mean is, "I FEEL LIKE I COULD KILL A WOLVERINE WITH MY BARE HANDS AND EAT ITS BRAINS!!!!"

Yes, I'm a little touchy. (But not the way Mr. Man likes me to be.)

Naturally I called Pharmacist and said, "I AM GOING TO KILL A WOLVERINE WITH MY BARE HANDS IF YOU DON'T FIX THIS!!!!!!!"

He said okay and then I think he wet himself.

Long story short, I had to spit in tiny vials for an entire day and ship them off to The Texas Institute for the Study of Saliva and Wolverine Cravings.

Once they did whatever it is spit scientists do, they sent a report back to Pharmacist and Doctor. It said I'm so messed up, it's no wonder I can't watch chick flicks without my gag reflex kicking in. I'm like one testicle away from being a man.

Thus the wolverine fetish.

I've had several visits with Pharmacist since then. On my first visit he announced I would be applying something to a place on my body that embarrassed me so much I could only tell my closest girlfriends. The image of him saying the word that describes where I was to put it is burned in my brain. Forever. I damn near passed smooth out next to the Chapstick display and the pen chained to the counter.

Thankfully enough time had passed that I could finally face him once again because I had to go back today.

This time he said, "Hey girl! Come back here with me!"

"Back here" is a place surrounded by glass where he compounds stuff for people who like their pharmaceuticals compounded. I believe it involves pounding of some sort.

He handed me a mask like the one surgeons wear and I pranced my happy ass into the compounding room glancing only briefly at all the little people who were standing on the lower level looking up at me with envy.

"That's right people. This mask means I am somehow important and medical-ly." I made a mental note to wear it to Wal-Mart next time I go - which will be in approximately 5 minutes as I live in a constant Wal-Mart going loop.

Of course I know the feds like you to have a degree to make medicine, but since Pharmacist and I are buds, I figured it would be like Martha Stewart having friends over to learn to bake cupcakes.

As I was looking for the giant white tub labeled, "Medical Marijuana", he commenced to showing me how he stuffs capsules. It was quite riveting. Then he showed me how he measures. Also riveting. Then, out of NO WHERE, he said to me, "Now what you're gonna wanna do is take this much of that stuff in that tube and apply it directly to the vulva."

I said, "Can you show me that measuring thing again?"

The phone rang. It was the aforementioned Texas Institute. I don't know who was on the other end but Pharmacist was super excited. "Yes! Oh yes! This is great timing because she's right here. So which do you think we should use? OK. Well we're going to be applying it directly to the clitoral area. Yes. Right on the clitoral area."

Thank you Jesus for the mask because I began to grin from ear to ear and giggle. This man was tossing around funny no-no words AND he had made it sound as though this whole deal was about to go down right there in the pharmacy since WE were going to apply it to my lady business.

Just the two of us in the glass room, compounding and what not.

Listen kids, I don't care who you are there are certain words you should never say. Ever. Not to your partner, not to your spouse, not to your doctor. You know why? Because they are so clinical they sound utterly dirty, plus once you hear someone say those words, they are stuck in your head like the Wiggles singing Fruit Salad.

I would also like the record to reflect that as an adult woman nearing the 45 year mark, I was unaware there were so many doctor type words for my down there and that I would have to learn them all from my pharmacist. Thank you public North Carolina schools.

I don't remember what happened next because I think I had a seizure or something, but I do know I have $150 worth of tubes and pills that are guaranteed to turn me back into a girl again. The directions say I'll know it's working when I can watch Titanic through to the end without vomiting on the coffee table.

Oh and when I stop ripping the guts out of wolverines.



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9 comments:

Cher said...

What menopause means to me: FREEDOM! Three cheers for menopause! HURRAH! HURRAH! HURRAH!

The Texas Woman

Sher said...

What menopause means to me - Oh my God! I can actually feel my ovaries drying up!!! Please Jesus - I don't want to be an old lady!!!! Where the hell is that wolverine???

Cher said...

As the old advertisement said, you're not getting older, you're getting better. And now you'll have the same freedom from body and emotions as men have! Celebrate it, girlfriend! It happens to us all so enjoy the perks!

The Texas Woman

Tidewaterbound said...

I don't know what it is...but the mood swings are gonna land me in jail one day. Just about 72 hours prior to an unwelcome visitor, things go positively nuts.

Let me know when you figure it out Sher -- send "help!"

Sher said...

Here is the answer:

MURDER AND DEVOUR A WOLVERINE!!!

Easy breezy. Nothing to it.

TSG said...

Sher,
You ladies are in for it now!
You'll be hearing from SFPOCW and PETA shortly.
Killing and devouring Wolverines is best left to real men. They have a Skunk like odor. (The Wolverines that is.)

TSG

Sher said...

I love it when you use initials TSG.

Flutterby said...

Well a hysterectomy a few years ago took care of the really aggravating part of not being menopausal. But the damn ovaries were left making sure I'd still enjoy that particular thing that only one such as yourself can understand... to make this short... there are no wolverines living around here. Anymore.

Sher said...

Gotcha Flutter. Wolverines are a nuisance anyway.