I'm staging a swine out.

I think I have the swine flu.

Last night I had an overwhelming desire to treat myself to a mud mask... and so I did.

Now this morning I'm feeling all swiney and what not. My eyes are puffy; my hair is unruly; I feel tired. I was going to fix some bacon for breakfast but when I opened the butcher paper, I inexplicably started to cry and shake my fist at God screaming, "Why? Elmer was one of the good ones!"

I often snort when I laugh. It's an embarrassing life long thing which means I've actually been coming down with the swine flu for more than thirty years. I expect my case will be the most severe ever and scientists will want to study me. Hopefully they'll also want to talk to The Today Show about it because I would enjoy being interviewed by Matt Lauer.

I'll probably lick him so we can be swiney together.

I don't have a fever yet, but I feel quite pre-feverish so I'm certain I'll have one at some point. I'm not sure if vomiting and diarrhea are symptoms of the swine flu but I am hoping so. I need to lose 10 pounds and I'd prefer to do it without bending at the waist or giving up ice cream.

My glands are definitely sort of a little swollen, my ear lobes are burning, my fingers feel plump, my elbows are dry, I can't say phenopropanolamine and my coffee tastes funny. There is no real pain to speak of but that probably has something to do with the handful of preventative pain pills I took that were left over from Mr. Man's last back surgery. I chased them with tequila just to be sure. No sense in risking my health.

Naturally I'm calling in sick to work today. The CDC did say to stay home if you are feeling icky in anyway plus I have an overwhelming desire to avoid showering and just wallow around. If you feel that way you should probably join me and do the same. Oink.




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