Here is a list of things I will give up as a sacrifice if you will please fix the broken man in my house and not let us slip into poverty in the meantime.
I promise to stop having business meetings at The Cox Motel.
Ummmmm. Allow me to amend that promise just a tad. I, the OCD Chick, do solemnly promise to stop calling them business meetings.
I promise to stop putting on make-up while I'm driving. Wait a minute. That's crazy talk. My not wearing lip gloss in Wal-Mart would cause some sort of public panic or full on newsworthy event as my lips are utterly gloss-less. How about I promise not to curl my hair while driving?
I promise to stop hugging up on random men. I'm sorry. That's a lie. How 'bout we agree that I'll stop hugging and/or humping more than ten men a day. Fifteen men a day is plenty. Physically accosting twenty-five men a day for no good reason is more than enough for any decent woman.
I promise to stop drinking. Guess what? That's a lie and I'm sorry. If I quit drinking, what would I do for breakfast? Tell you what I WILL do though - I'll stop drinking beer from a can and tequila straight from the bottle. From now on, I'll pour it right in a glass. That's how much this means to me.
I am willing to stop roasting gummy worms over an open campfire. Even though I really like it. A whole, real lot. Dammit. I do so enjoy a nice, roasted gummy worm.
I promise to stop getting married. OH-MY-GAWD!!! Can you even believe I tried to say something like that with a straight face? Damn I'm ballsy. Tell you what though - I promise to never get married again - while holding blue flowers. To a man named Mark. Who is wearing a US Army uniform. Outside. When I'm nineteen years old.
OK now. I've done my part. Make sure you do yours, Universe.
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