Sunday, August 02, 2009

Dear Universe... how 'bout we make us a deal?

Here is a list of things I will give up as a sacrifice if you will please fix the broken man in my house and not let us slip into poverty in the meantime.

I promise to stop having business meetings at The Cox Motel.
Ummmmm. Allow me to amend that promise just a tad. I, the OCD Chick, do solemnly promise to stop calling them business meetings.

I promise to stop putting on make-up while I'm driving. Wait a minute. That's crazy talk. My not wearing lip gloss in Wal-Mart would cause some sort of public panic or full on newsworthy event as my lips are utterly gloss-less. How about I promise not to curl my hair while driving?

I promise to stop hugging up on random men. I'm sorry. That's a lie. How 'bout we agree that I'll stop hugging and/or humping more than ten men a day. Fifteen men a day is plenty. Physically accosting twenty-five men a day for no good reason is more than enough for any decent woman.

I promise to stop drinking. Guess what? That's a lie and I'm sorry. If I quit drinking, what would I do for breakfast? Tell you what I WILL do though - I'll stop drinking beer from a can and tequila straight from the bottle. From now on, I'll pour it right in a glass. That's how much this means to me.

I am willing to stop roasting gummy worms over an open campfire. Even though I really like it. A whole, real lot. Dammit. I do so enjoy a nice, roasted gummy worm.

I promise to stop getting married. OH-MY-GAWD!!! Can you even believe I tried to say something like that with a straight face? Damn I'm ballsy. Tell you what though - I promise to never get married again - while holding blue flowers. To a man named Mark. Who is wearing a US Army uniform. Outside. When I'm nineteen years old.

OK now. I've done my part. Make sure you do yours, Universe.

Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape


Tidewaterbound said...

Now under a tornado warning, after all the training bad storms most of the day, the broken grill with ruptured burners taking HOURS to fix and my 'mister man' had to do it because I'm hopeless, and I cried like a baby with the vice-lock trying to loosen the screws. My deal to pay for clearing out the debris, that I can't pay $1500-$3000 for a tree company, so I invested in steaks on sale, 11 of them and hotdogs for the kids.

The tree clearing didn't happen, but I did fix dinner for 15 beings. They are all gone, now tornadoes are coming.

My 'mister man' is broke and won't heal, I've finally gotten a job paying less than a 1/2 of what I was making...poverty? Honey, I know just what you are talkin' about. I've floated this family, now for the last two years and I don't know what I'm going to do from here..the 401k is used up, but there is a 'small' pension. Hmmm.

God save our families.

Sher said...

Damn woman! Now I feel all bad and what not for whining.

OK. I'm over it. I enjoy whining. Almost as much as I enjoy divorce.

There's our answer chickadoodle. Let's divorce these busted up mens and get us some new ones.

Tidewaterbound said...

I'm whinin' and I'm with you.

It's just this day has sucked, just like yours has for the last few days. I'm so sorry, please...power going...see ya

Elizabeth said...

I still have that bouquet! :)