Friday, September 04, 2009

The OCD Chick vs. A Perfectly Good Plane



Someone wants me to jump out of a plane for fun and profit. Because I am a weak woman who will do most anything for fun and profit, I am going to do as I'm asked.

Will I be terrified?

In the words of Whitney Houston, "BOBBY!!!" (aka - hell to the yes.)

Will I quite likely blanket Cleveland with vomit on the way down?


I'm gonna say that is in fact probable.

Apparently I will show up, learn to cross my arms over my chest and also to stop, drop & roll at which point some random parachute guy will strap himself to my back and shove me out a plane.

At least that's what Uncle Google told me last night.

All I ask before possibly spitting out my spleen in terror is five minutes of good, solid interviewing of said random guy before he does what so many before him have done to me - (you go ahead and fill in the rest of that sentence as I know you already have anyway.)

Hey Parachute Boy... Have you done anything recently that might have angered God? Have you taken the Lord's name in vain? Have you coveted your neighbor's ass? What about your mother and father? Would they say you are a good boy who honors them, or would they say they're sick and tired of loaning you money and it's time for you to grow the hell up and get off their couch?

Tell me about your love life. Do you like the ladies? Have one special woman to whom you are faithful and loyal, or do you find chicks dig boys who strap themselves to their backs? Have you had the intercourse lately and if so, did you call out the correct name?

What about life insurance? How much is your policy and who is the beneficiary? Does said beneficiary have any sort of gambling problem or hang out with a guy named Fat Jimmy or Knuckles McKiller?

And finally, are you in any way associated with Jon Gosselin? Have you met him, spoken to him, been within 100 feet of him, touched the hem of his Ed Hardy T-shirt? As he is the root of all evil, I cannot take the chance that the bad voodoo he's got all over him might have stuck to you and will therefore condemn us both to certain death.

Provided Parachute Boy does well in my interrogation, I'll let him hug me tight and fly with me. For fun and profit. And what not.




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6 comments:

Elizabeth said...

What the flip? It is a blast but I would never in a million years see you doing it. Holy hell. Who talked you into this?

Up2DaRack said...

I damn near peed my pants reading the way your mind works in dealing with this fearful thing of jumping out of an airplane. As I think about it, I'd probably pee my pants jumping out of an airplane.

Eat light, and er... don't drink too much.

Flutterby said...

OMG you have SO got to get the interview on video.

Sher said...

Elizabeth - I know, right? Fame talked me into it. Tiny fame - but fame.

Up2DaRack - I'm so screwed up that I love it when someone tells me I made them pee their pants.

Flutter - Oh it will be poodle!

Tidewaterbound said...

I'm not seein' this happen...well, the interview, yes, the actual skydiving--OMG!

Sher said...

Um Tide - if someone says, "Hey Sher! We're gonna have this camera on you and we want you to jump out of a plane with a strange man of questionable character strapped to your back," I'm so out of that plane.