Thursday, May 20, 2010

Dear Kim Kardashian and Your Cellulite,

 First of all, I don't know who the hell you are, Kim Kardashian. Seriously. I know I'm supposed to be keeping up with you, but until I figure out why, I'm gonna focus my attention on keeping up with my two Yorkies. If I don't, they poop in the house. For all I know that's precisely why people are supposed to keep up with you, but even if that's true, I'm still pretty sure it's not my week to watch you. I suggest stopping all food and water beyond 7PM. That's what I do for Buddy & Tanner.

Here's why I'm writing you, Honey. Obviously I have done something in the last 24 hours for which the universe felt I must be punished, because everywhere I look I'm seeing you or hearing you talking about your "less than perfect body" and your cellulite and how you have finally lost that last ten pounds.

Scooch up close to your computer, Kim Kardashian, and listen intently to me because I'm only going to say this a couple thousand times...

SHUT THE MOTHER TRUCKING HELL UP!

From your interview in Shape:  Kim revealed that tabloid pictures which had surfaced last year, showing the reality star in less than perfect shape, were upsetting, but helped her turn over a new leaf. "It did motivate me to finally drop those last 10 pounds," she said.


Darlin', Honey, Baby Doll, SHUT THE MOTHER TRUCKING HELL UP!
Kim Kardashian: Fit In Your Jeans by Friday: Ultimate Butt Body SculptUpsetting? Really? Let me tell you what's upsetting, Sweet Cookie. What's upsetting is being a real, live, woman who has a body of a real, live, woman and because she lives the LIFE of a real, live, woman, does not have time to do the Ultimate BUTT Body Sculpt. You know why, Pudding Drop? Because we are working our BUTT's off trying to take care of our families, doing voodoo over our bank accounts, and cleaning up after our Yorkies when we forget to keep up with them.

You wanna know how I got my own "less than perfect shape," Honey Buns? I pushed two babies out my who-ha and I eat frosting and peanut butter when I'm stressed. Know the other reason my shape is less than perfect? Remember that bank account thing I just mentioned? Well, Sugar-Coated Dumpling, it doesn't allow for things like fat-sucking, and collagen injections, and boobie boosts and butt sculpting. Don't bother to tell me you don't partake in any of those delights. Jesus punishes the offense of lying about plastic surgery by slowly turning you into Priscilla Presley. (Forgive me Elvis.)

When you prance around with your perfectly lovely little body, Kim Kardashian, and talk to the press about how it's not perfect and about how hard you have to work to make it better and about how cellulite is "not cute",  you diminish the worth of every woman, most especially our young sisters, who are looking in their mirrors and finding themselves utterly devastated because they will never look like you. 

I would gladly pay an old woman with the face of a shriveled apple the sum of 1,000 bottles of chicken lips and butterfly eyes to curse you with one more cellulite dimple every time a teenage girl cries because she doesn't have a body that looks like yours. The very moment I find one on Craigslist, you're in deep kimchi, Kim.

What would have been just super-dooper, Monkey Ears, and I'm convinced a much better choice for you, would have been to have said, out loud, and proud, "Yeah! I have cellulite! Suck it!" I would have loved you harder than a goat loves a stump and may have even been persuaded to keep up with you.

In closing, let me just say this: watch your non-fat back, Ms. Thang. "The Priscilla" is just around the corner.

Warmest peanut butter and frosting regards,

Sherri Lynn Bailey
President & CEO of Women Against Keeping Up With Kim Kardashian








Contact Sherri Bailey at humorwriter at gmail dotcom.
Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

25 comments:

Specific Ramblings said...

I love you for using the word scooch! Thank you!

Sher said...

The scoochy pleasure is all mine! Thanks for stopping by.

"Alone again.... naturally!" said...

My cellulite thighs thank you! I came across your site by just a "cruisin" around and I love your blog. I am new at this little game and have a lot to learn. Thanks for making my day! Cathy

Sher said...

Tell your cellulite thighs I said you're welcome. Nice to meet you, Cathy!

Mellodee said...

Hi, love this post!! "Monkey ears?!" "Pudding Drop??!!" Such sweet little insults! Funny stuff.

Sign me up, your sense of humor is worth following!!

Thanks for the giggles!

Sher said...

Mellodee - Aww! Thanks, Cotton Candy!

Dawn said...

Holy crapballs! 'Cilla is just a hot mess. And let me echo the thanks of the others.

Sher said...

You're a doll, Dawn!

Ryan said...

Wow! I love your style of writing.

Very true and incredibly funny.

Keep it up!

Sher said...

Good to meet a fellow OCD pal, Ryan! Thanks for reading.

Sassy said...

LOL!

I love this! I'm sick of hearing about her "perfect" body. Someone needs to sneak some lard into her lettuce!

Sher said...

Bwahahaha, Sassy. Nothing says "yummy" like lard on lettuce.

Kim Nelson said...

Freaking Hilarious! Ridiculously true. LOVE THAT!

Sher said...

Thanks, Kim! So glad you stopped by!

Marsha said...

I have read this entry twice, and each time I so admire your turn of phrase! And I endorse your reasoning and attitude as well. Brava!

Sher said...

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Pattylicious said...

I haven't been in blog world in sooooo long and reading your page reminded me just how much I miss it. I love your work and I love you for threatening deep kimchi. My dad still uses that when talking to me.

Patricia

P.S. You rock...

Sher said...

You rock, too! Thanks for coming back to Blog World, Patricia. So glad you stopped by!

Danny said...

Just a man who is equally confused about why Kim Kardashian is famous stopping by to say that this piece should be printed on the front page of the New York Times. Perfectly said!!

Sher said...

Thanks,Danny! That's a pretty awesome thing to say, dude.

Steve said...

I agree with Danny... well, I do know why Kim Kardashian is famous, but she shouldn't be. Now, if only I could convince my daughters to ignore her too!

Sher said...

Steve - she's simply unbelievable, huh?

Up2DaRack said...

OK, so like, I'm guessing this may not be a good time to ask if I can borrow twenty bucks so I can buy a Kim Kardashian poster...

Sher said...

Up2Da - Ummmm. No. Nopety nope.

Rayne said...

Wow...you have to be one of the most hilarious (in a good way!) authors I've come across in my rambling searches through blogs. I absolutely love your sense of humor and how you send out a good message along with it!