Monday, June 21, 2010

I need my schwagger back.

My heart has been broken ten different ways in the last months. It's hard to schwagger when you're jacked up like that.

So I said to my bestie soon to be ex-eighth-husband, let's do Match profiles and he was all ewwww and I was all, but I need someone to tell me I'm pretty, and he was all ewwwww, and I was all, come on and do this crazy thing with me, and he still kept saying ewwww because we were texting and that's an easy word for him to spell.

But I did it anyway. And now I'm all ewwww.

FOLLOWING IS WHAT IS OUT THERE, LADIES.... DO NOT SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU. Grab your husband and hang on like grim death, because even grim death is better than what's within 150 miles of me.

There's the guy whose headline in his profile says: "Does this shirt make me look fat?"
Yes, Captain I'm Wearing What Appears To Be My 12 Year Old Son's Shirt. Yes it damn well does.

There's Snow on the Roof, But Fire Down Below.
I can only assume he has herpes, or pubic lice.


Mr. I Like Animals a LOT.
His photograph would indicate he likes to have intercourse with them.

Mr. I Have a 3 Year Old and an 18 Year Old and I Am Complex.
Really? Just really with that? I'm thinking you are not so much complex as completely baffled by how condoms work.

Mr. Looking For the One Who Completes My Soul.
What does that even mean? Do you even know what that means?

Mr. I Am a #1 Woman Man
I have to give you props dude. The fact that you are a #1 woman man made me shoot Sprite out my nose. I'm thinking about getting myself a T-shirt that says I too am a #1 woman man.

But my FAVORITE, and the one who has stolen my heart, is the guy who is standing in front of a mirror, taking his pic with a camera phone, WITH HIS SHIRT OFF. Oh yes. Yes, he is. Not only that, kids, he has a whole helluva lot going on under the greasy, long, salt & pepper hair he's rockin'.

"I like true story books. I read about crime. I enjoy mushroom hunting. I like thunderstorms and struggling. (Yes dear readers. He enjoys STRUGGLING.) After years of Match, I'll only be here a couple more weeks."

Really, shirtless mirror guy? Only a couple more weeks? I better act now, before this good shit expires.


Jami said...

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Let me give you a piece of advice, sister. Always check the tooth-to-tattoo ratio. You want that number to be above 1.0 If you run across one where there are more tattoos than teeth, keep running.

Suzy said...

Ha! You just made me shoot sprite out of MY nose!


Anonymous said...

Just found you today. I'm going through a divorce. I think I maybe found the one man that can spell. I haven't met him, yet - but in his pics he looks to be about 300 lbs. I'll take smart and fat any day over Joey Buttafewgo (misspelling intentional).