Monday, July 05, 2010

Match.com - I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee.


Match.com has been a hoot and a holler. That's Southern for "a horrible experience that has caused me to lose all faith in humanity." Like all good things, and all marriages, it must come to an end. My psyche simply can no longer endure the barrage of comb-overs, sleeveless shirts, and giant mustaches.

Because I am the kind of person who always has to have the last word in any broken relationship, I'm gonna tell Match.com what it is I DON'T want in a man. Consider it a public service announcement - that the public could care less to ever have announced.

I don't want a guy who thinks whatever he says is funny if he inserts" LOL" or "haha" after every sentence. "I ran over my dog this morning, but he was old and slow. LOL."

I don't want a guy who uses any of the following words in his profile: snuggle, lover, cuddle, drama, bedroom, Nascar, hunt, fish, bowl. or advencheerus. I've read these words so often in the profiles of your men, you surely have a secret man section of the website called "Really Cool Words That Our Crack Team of Redneck Grandfathers Believe Will Drive Women Wild."

I don't want a guy who feels he has to tell me, in the first sentence of our interaction, that he doesn't play games, and doesn't like women who do play games. I LOVE GAMES, Match.com. My favorites are Monopoly (or as we call it in my house, You're Not My Son Here, So Hand Over the Rent Money), and of course, Husband Roulette.

I don't want a guy who takes his profile picture with his cell phone in the bathroom mirror - with his shirt off.

I don't want a guy who wears jorts, even if he is the Official Jort Association Spokesperson and makes tens of dollars for his work.

I don't want a guy with a mustache so big & thick that I know without ever getting near him it smells like old pizza.

I don't want a guy who is looking for a woman between the ages of Jail Bait and Woohoo I Can Buy My Own Beer Now.

I don't want a guy who would be best suited for a woman between the ages of Dusty Old Vagina and I Prepaid For My Casket and Also Have Lint Covered Lemon Drops In My Purse.

I don't want a guy who wants to find his "sole mate", or an "ole fashion lady", or a woman who likes "brekfest for supper."

I don't want a guy who tells me his wife died four years ago and then straight away goes into, "I like hunting." I am left to believe he likes hunting, despite having shot his wife to death four years ago.

I don't want a guy who says the last thing he read was, "I don't read."

Are you getting the picture, Match.com? You are an awful, awful website where awful, awful people gather together to breed and make big-headed, awful, awful children.

Children with low set ears, eyes that go in different directions, a seventh toe, and a propensity to eat their own poop.

*Cool, funny, JORT pic found on http://kingpininc.com/category/jorts.*



11 comments:

Dawn said...

So I guess this means you won't be chasing my ex-husband down he bridal path. He's definitely from the shallow end of the gene pool. but hang tough sister. There's good ones still out there. I found one and you can too. (Even though I bit the bullet and got myself (stole) a younger one. Seven years later, and he's still younger than me. How the hell is THAT possible?

Carla said...

You're so right, Sher. Match.com is all kinds of CRAZY.

Up2DaRack said...

Aw c'mon now Sher. The jorts is a tough call. I mean it's either expose the knees and a bit of thigh, or show off some ass-crack and puffy, wrinkled boxer shorts. Not sure what a gal prefers.

Well, I'd hang around and chat some with ya, but I need to run and modify a whole bunch of my profiles and profile pics based on them helpful tips of yours. Are you sure snugglin' and cuddlin' don't drive the women wild?

Ryan said...

What about a man that lives with his parents and is super good at video games? Sexxxy...

Suzy said...

While I understand the need to go your separate way, I sure will miss your updates on Match.com.

And the mustache that smells like old pizza- classic! You totally crack me up.

suzy

Sher said...

Dawn - Don't younger men EVER catch up?

Carla - At least ten kinds of crazy.

Up2Da - I'm sure. I'm so, so sure.

Ryan - Is that in YOUR Match profile???

Suzy - No worries. My man misery will remain blog fodder for a LONG time. I have a feeling.

P.J. Trpster said...

LOVE the posts on topic of Match.com.

Your humor is wonderful!! (Where is the subscribe button??)

little miss sunshine said...

This is great!!!

Susan Higgins said...

I'm sorry you didn't have a good experience with Match.com. I met my husband on Match almost 8 years ago.

What's your approach? Are you open minded or do you have preconceived ideas of your perfect man?

Personally, I didn't have much luck when I was ridged in my search criteria. I became more open minded and that's when I found the man of my dreams,my best friend and now my husband.

Best wishes in finding your Prince Charming, he's out there waiting for you to find him.

Ryan said...

Unfortunately not. I suck at video games and live with my grandmother.

Tracey J Whitney said...

I loved this post .. wow made me spit out my coffee .. You rock :-)