Monday, July 19, 2010

Old People & Pancakes

I made a run to my home state of North Carolina to surprise my Pop. My brother Chad and I had it all planned out. I'd fly into Charlotte, Chad would pick me up and then....

that's as far as we got.

All we knew was that Pop & my Step-Mom would show up at Chad's and I'd surprise them. When they actually arrived at the front door, I panicked. I grabbed a giant bowl full of watermelon and ran to the bathroom to hide.

That's kind of my default... when in doubt, snag any nearby chopped fruit & run to the bathroom.

That's how I met my third husband actually. I was confused about what people meant by "unfocus your eyes" to see a Magic Eye Poster, and he was cleaning up a spill in stall three. We shared a little fruit cocktail and lived happily ever three months.

Pop was definitely surprised. No one ate the watermelon.

Visiting home is always a hoot, mainly because my Daddy is funny - and he doesn't know it.

"I got me a biddit installed," he said.

"What's a biddit, Pop?"

"It's a water pistol for your hind end."

Pop makes me almost pee my pants.

"I'm gonna take you to supper tonight at the iHop," he told me. "We need to be there right at four o'clock."

SWEET HEAVENLY LOVE! I wasn't thrilled at the notion of eating supper ten minutes after my lunch had digested, but I figured inexpensive French toast would take the sting out of it. We arrived at EXACTLY 4 and when we were seated, I realized why the need for such promptness.

The place was filling up with old people faster than you can say uh-oh I think my Depends feels heavy.

They were EVERYWHERE. As I looked across the "restaurant", I was surrounded by a sea of white hair and Velcro shoes. Other than the wait-staff (who were no doubt looking forward to being tipped in buttons & Andy Rooney newspaper clippings), I was easily the youngest person in the joint.

Pop, my darling Father, looked at me with great love and adoration and said, "If you didn't have on them short pants, you could pass for 55 easy."

I died a little on the inside.

1 comment:

Jane said...

Is he up for adoption? I think I love him. And obviously he care about hygiene. More guys should get biddets. A clean ass can make up for a lot of things.