Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Dear Sher,

Once again I must seek your advice. It has been about one year now since I sought your guidance regarding my situation when dating above (way) my hotness level. It appears as if PJ is, for lack of a more discreet description, "getting serious". Yes I'm surprised too. Since the OM retired, and I am now running the show, I am actually expected to work! This exceedingly attractive chick's ideas, coupled with the new job responsibility is weighing heavily on me! I feel the need to disappear, which I almost did due to the recent tornado, for a month or two. Alas, I have responsibilities! Should I stay or go?

Annalyse (always the sensible one) says "remember all the happiness in the world won't buy money."


Dear TSG aka Official Stalker of the OCD Chick,

Um...I'm sorry that I'm not going to be much help this time. I can't seem to get past the fact that you have a sister named Anal Ease. That hardly seems right.

Dear Sher,

You're pretty. Not a guy and not a lesbian, just trying to follow protocol.

I was randomly googling "humor writers" to find amusing things to send to my boyfriend in jail (yes, I'm really feeling like a redneck these days. I was even on the news when "the incident" happened) and found your website. I laughed my ass off. I'll let you know how you went over in 5c2.

They say they have a "library". They actually have a single cart (like librarians use to return books to the shelves). They have a couple of dozen novels that are all at least a decade old and he hasn't even seen that come around in 4 months. So, twice a week, I send reading packets. I always put in this week's Dave Barry (we live in south florida), but he's mostly reruns these days. I think you're as funny as Dave.

Dear Non-Male/Lesbian,

First of all, thank you for following protocol. Telling me I'm pretty guarantees your email is getting read.

Second, I deeply envy that you were there when the incident happened and that it made the news. If you tell me he was not wearing a shirt and your hair was in rollers AND that one or both of you was yelling, "I love you, baby" while the cops were putting on the bracelets, I will freak the hell out.

And finally, I can't thank you enough for including my words in the same packet as Dave Barry's. Being that close to Dave, even if it is on printed pages in a jail cell, makes me all warm and gooey inside.

Thanks so much for writing and tell the boys in 5c2 "Hi" and "Please don't kill me when you get out".

Dear Sher,

My name is Ti**** and I am the CEO of Mec** Me***, LLC; the publisher of S*****, a humor magazine. I was checking out your credits and I'm definitely going to catch up your books.

I thought I would drop a line to say hello and let you know that I am out here. If you ever need me to list/promote anything on my site, please feel free to contact me and I will get it taken care of!

Dear Ti*****,

I am so excited to pull an Oliver North on my blog. Thank you for giving me that opport**ity. I didn't want to use your real name because I didn't want the tens of people who read this stuff to harass you.

As I've said approximately 100 ba-million times before, I have lots of books, but I didn't write any of them. If you would like to read them, I suppose we could work something out but I'm gonna need you to help with postage and I'm writing my name in the cover so I get it back.

Want me to visit your inbox from time to time? It'll be our little secret.

Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com

Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.

Blogroll Me!

Add to My Yahoo!

1 comment:

Diesel said...

Very funny, Sher. I always thought they should just make it illegal to walk around without a shirt on. Because you know they're up to no good anyway.