Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Showing posts with label Dear Sher. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dear Sher. Show all posts
Friday, November 27, 2009
Sears: Tires, Tools & Husbands
Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
A question about DIVORCE? For little ole me?
OK, Miss Carol... I'll give it a shot. Don't get your hopes up though, because what do I know about divorce anyway?
Send your questions about anything from banana pudding to babies to tiny pants that monkeys wear to: humorwriter at gmail dotcom. (If you send video, please make it under 10 seconds sugar boogars.)
Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Dear Sher - Saving one dumb ass Governor at a time
Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Monday, June 01, 2009
Hey Brian Dennehy - No Means No!
Today's crazy is brought to you by www.ErmaDoesNotLiveHere.com. It's 100% gluten free.
Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Dear Sher...Dear, Dear Sher
Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Suck it Dooce
That's right kids. Sher's first vlog. Please try to contain your joy. Also please refrain from harsh judgments of any kind. Yes - I look like your Grandma. Yes - I inadvertently cut off the video pretty much in the middle of a sentence. Yes - I look like I'm wearing a purple mom-moo. But it's my first. It's just like junior prom all over again.
Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Toad Suck Guy- the official WTCOMF Stalker
Sher,
First let me apologize for my lack of attention, as we both know the world... no make that the entire universe, revolves around you, and your happiness. So what have you been up to. I certainly hope you have been engaged in some sort of nefarious activity.
I missed seeing you at the Toad Suck Daze Festival.
Oh, you should have seen me winning the bobbing for pig's feet contest! The trophy is about three feet tall, a bronze plated pig's foot. It's kinda starting to smell a little though. PJ is working as a consultant at her old job one day a week, and is spending the rest of her time working and learning the lumber business. The little dude isn't as much of a weenie as I first suspected. The old Rollahome is gone PJ shoved it over the bank with the 906 loader, I just couldn't do it myself. BTW how do you feel about a log house?
When we are married you will still get a new FWD Ford truck. Recently PJ hit a deer, and since the truck has been repaired it wouldn't be good enough. Nothing but the best for you, of course.
Now, the question of my status on the Potential Husband List. In spite of my neglect, I hope I am still in the top ten. I think at one time I was as high as number six. I have replace the missing TSG blog, but there are no posts just a couple photos. Sigh......it's just not the same without you!
Missing you,
TSG (Toad Suck Guy)
Dearest TSG aka Official Stalker of WTCOMF,
When I saw your email my first instinct was to banish you to spam. After all, you have certainly neglected your stalking duties since you went and got yourself married to Poor Jane.
But then you used the word "nefarious" and everything was OK again. (I really need to work on holding a grudge.)
I had every intention of attending the annual Toad Suck Daze festival. It was circled on my calendar and everything. Just as I was about to get on the fast train to the land where toads suck but people don't, I remembered I hate nature only slightly less than I hate toads. Trip canceled.
I'm happy to hear married life is going well for you. As you well know, I am a strong proponent of marriage as I try to do it myself as often as I can. I will say however that I'm slightly worried about your safety, what with your current wife pushing homes off cliffs and murdering deer with her Ford for no good reason. Perhaps some Metamucil sprinkled on her morning oats would be in order.
As for me, I can't say I'm great - but I'm certainly OK enough not to slit my wrists in the bathtub. I have a new job that pays well, but requires me to spend a lot of my time driving. No - I'm not a trucker, although I do enjoy dressing like one in the privacy of my own home.
The book I was/am writing sucks pigs feet and so has left me terribly discouraged. Every time I try to write it comes out the same... "it was a dark and stormy night". It's a bitter pill when you realize even Snoopy was a more prolific writer than you are.
On top of that, unlike everyone else around me, I am getting older every second. I fear at any moment I will be overcome with the desire to wear a sweatshirt with kitty cats on it and purchase beige shoes with Velcro closures. My baby girl got married in September which cast me in the role of MOB. I still cry every 2.4 days at the thought of her in that dress. (Video she made for me below.)
On the up side, Sarah Palin is not going to be our VP so I can relax a little. I could not walk ten feet anywhere without at least a couple people telling me I looked like her. On Halloween a bar full of drunken Jokers, pimps and slutty nurses complemented me all night on my Sarah costume - which consisted of no costume at all.
It was lovely to hear from you. And yes, Toad Suck Guy, you are still on the Potential Husband List - just below a reader who may have legally changed his name to Mr. Piddles and David the owner of an unruly giraffe named Tim. Because of your use of the word nefarious, however, and your proclamation and acknowledgment that all things revolve around me, you are hereby bumped to Number Four.
Signed,
The tired, old and unable to write anything above her name, OCD Chick
Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
First let me apologize for my lack of attention, as we both know the world... no make that the entire universe, revolves around you, and your happiness. So what have you been up to. I certainly hope you have been engaged in some sort of nefarious activity.
I missed seeing you at the Toad Suck Daze Festival.
Oh, you should have seen me winning the bobbing for pig's feet contest! The trophy is about three feet tall, a bronze plated pig's foot. It's kinda starting to smell a little though. PJ is working as a consultant at her old job one day a week, and is spending the rest of her time working and learning the lumber business. The little dude isn't as much of a weenie as I first suspected. The old Rollahome is gone PJ shoved it over the bank with the 906 loader, I just couldn't do it myself. BTW how do you feel about a log house?When we are married you will still get a new FWD Ford truck. Recently PJ hit a deer, and since the truck has been repaired it wouldn't be good enough. Nothing but the best for you, of course.
Now, the question of my status on the Potential Husband List. In spite of my neglect, I hope I am still in the top ten. I think at one time I was as high as number six. I have replace the missing TSG blog, but there are no posts just a couple photos. Sigh......it's just not the same without you!
Missing you,
TSG (Toad Suck Guy)
Dearest TSG aka Official Stalker of WTCOMF,
When I saw your email my first instinct was to banish you to spam. After all, you have certainly neglected your stalking duties since you went and got yourself married to Poor Jane.
But then you used the word "nefarious" and everything was OK again. (I really need to work on holding a grudge.)
I had every intention of attending the annual Toad Suck Daze festival. It was circled on my calendar and everything. Just as I was about to get on the fast train to the land where toads suck but people don't, I remembered I hate nature only slightly less than I hate toads. Trip canceled.
I'm happy to hear married life is going well for you. As you well know, I am a strong proponent of marriage as I try to do it myself as often as I can. I will say however that I'm slightly worried about your safety, what with your current wife pushing homes off cliffs and murdering deer with her Ford for no good reason. Perhaps some Metamucil sprinkled on her morning oats would be in order.
As for me, I can't say I'm great - but I'm certainly OK enough not to slit my wrists in the bathtub. I have a new job that pays well, but requires me to spend a lot of my time driving. No - I'm not a trucker, although I do enjoy dressing like one in the privacy of my own home.
The book I was/am writing sucks pigs feet and so has left me terribly discouraged. Every time I try to write it comes out the same... "it was a dark and stormy night". It's a bitter pill when you realize even Snoopy was a more prolific writer than you are.
On top of that, unlike everyone else around me, I am getting older every second. I fear at any moment I will be overcome with the desire to wear a sweatshirt with kitty cats on it and purchase beige shoes with Velcro closures. My baby girl got married in September which cast me in the role of MOB. I still cry every 2.4 days at the thought of her in that dress. (Video she made for me below.)
On the up side, Sarah Palin is not going to be our VP so I can relax a little. I could not walk ten feet anywhere without at least a couple people telling me I looked like her. On Halloween a bar full of drunken Jokers, pimps and slutty nurses complemented me all night on my Sarah costume - which consisted of no costume at all.
It was lovely to hear from you. And yes, Toad Suck Guy, you are still on the Potential Husband List - just below a reader who may have legally changed his name to Mr. Piddles and David the owner of an unruly giraffe named Tim. Because of your use of the word nefarious, however, and your proclamation and acknowledgment that all things revolve around me, you are hereby bumped to Number Four.
Signed,
The tired, old and unable to write anything above her name, OCD Chick
Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Dear Sher....
Dear Sher,
Well, I have some good news, but I'm afraid I have to start off with some
sad news. I'm afraid I'm going to have to call off our engagement. It seems
that we got engaged when I signed up for your newsletter. It wasn't the
difficulty explaining this to my wife that became the problem. The problem
arose when I read one of your articles and learned that you are not
particularly fond of middle-aged crazy guys. It could never work between us.
Catch ya on the net! (Or should that be "Catch you in the net"?)
Dear Slightly Creepy Guy Who is Dumping Me but Wants to Capture Me,
I'm saddened to hear we are no longer engaged. Your loss. We could have had 45 wonderful minutes as husband and wife before my divorce attorney bounced you out the front door.
Dear Sher,
You ARE pretty... pretty frickin' funny! Well, and your face... it's funny
too. NO, I meant it's PRETTY too! You have a face that a zillion ex-husbands
could have loved at one time or another. Sincerely.
I used your "tell a friend" button to tell my wife. She'll think you're funny too, I promise. And if she doesn't I will require her to stop slamming the monkey on your behalf (poor little fellah can't take much more anyway. But I got him for her to spare myself, so I am grateful).
Dear Person Who Loves a Person Who is a Monkey Slammer,
Thank you for the forced compliment. I believe you only get what you ask out of people, which is why I make them tell me I'm pretty or I won't answer their email.
Second - I suggest you control your woman. A monkey slammer is very likely also a penis chopper offer. Stop her before she slams again.
Dear Sher,
OK, you got me, I don't have a monkey. I was just trying to win points... I didn't think mentioning the giraffe would do the trick. (You wouldn't kill my giraffe, would you?)
Well, I seriously wasn't forcing any compliments. There wasn't anything on your site (your pic included) that wasn't enjoyable, which is why I want to link to it. And I promise I won't steal any articles and not just because I'm afraid of you calling my non-existent monkey names. If I had a monkey, it would already have a name. Probably something African sounding like "Biluba". The giraffe's name is Tim.
When you find something that makes you laugh until you pee, I believe you should spread the pee and so that's why I want to link to your site. And if by some miracle you laugh at my site until you pee then feel free to tell people, if it's not too embarrassing.
Dear David - owner of ComixFarm,
Anyone whose personal philosophy is centered on spreading the pee is someone I consider link worthy.
Dear Sher,
Tim quit and moved out. Don't ever get a giraffe.
Dear David,
I'm terribly sorry to hear about Tim. You're not the first person I've known who didn't know how to control his giraffe. They require a firm hand.
Dear Sher,
I was caught unawares that your birthday had quietly passed me by. I, therefore, would like to extend my belated birthday wishes, albeit it cannot be me.
Dear Person Without Even the Most Rudimentary Grasp of Time or Appropriate Social Behavior,
Sweetheart, you should know that a belated birthday wish is one sent a couple days to a week after you've missed a birthday. Six months after a birthday is not belated. It's just bitchy. You may as well have sent me a Hallmark that said, "Sorry I forgot your birthday, but you are just that far down my list of things to think about. You fall right behind wondering what kind of socks John McCain wears and just above how I can use more algebra in my life."
Dear Sher,
I read your 100 Things and oh my god. I know you! The 35 the 80. I used to twirl fire batons! That's so cool. Too bad you can't really twirl them. You should try!
Dear Bragging Baton Throwing Beeyotch Who is Probably a Size Zero,
No. That is not so cool. You show up in my inbox bragging about your ability to light things on fire and throw them in the air? That stung and if I ever see you in a bar, you'd better run because I plan on lighting your ass on fire and tossing you in the air. How you like me now?
Dear Sher,
I never wrote you but i taped your sex rules on my refrigerator. thanks.
Dear Slutty McSlut,
Good for you honey. The fact that you own tape and a refrigerator means you are quite a catch and will have occasion to use those rules often. You might think about keeping a copy in your purse, too.
Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Dear Sher,
Once again I must seek your advice. It has been about one year now since I sought your guidance regarding my situation when dating above (way) my hotness level. It appears as if PJ is, for lack of a more discreet description, "getting serious". Yes I'm surprised too. Since the OM retired, and I am now running the show, I am actually expected to work! This exceedingly attractive chick's ideas, coupled with the new job responsibility is weighing heavily on me! I feel the need to disappear, which I almost did due to the recent tornado, for a month or two. Alas, I have responsibilities! Should I stay or go?
Annalyse (always the sensible one) says "remember all the happiness in the world won't buy money."
TSG
Dear TSG aka Official Stalker of the OCD Chick,
Um...I'm sorry that I'm not going to be much help this time. I can't seem to get past the fact that you have a sister named Anal Ease. That hardly seems right.
Dear Sher,
You're pretty. Not a guy and not a lesbian, just trying to follow protocol.
I was randomly googling "humor writers" to find amusing things to send to my boyfriend in jail (yes, I'm really feeling like a redneck these days. I was even on the news when "the incident" happened) and found your website. I laughed my ass off. I'll let you know how you went over in 5c2.
They say they have a "library". They actually have a single cart (like librarians use to return books to the shelves). They have a couple of dozen novels that are all at least a decade old and he hasn't even seen that come around in 4 months. So, twice a week, I send reading packets. I always put in this week's Dave Barry (we live in south florida), but he's mostly reruns these days. I think you're as funny as Dave.
Dear Non-Male/Lesbian,
First of all, thank you for following protocol. Telling me I'm pretty guarantees your email is getting read.
Second, I deeply envy that you were there when the incident happened and that it made the news. If you tell me he was not wearing a shirt and your hair was in rollers AND that one or both of you was yelling, "I love you, baby" while the cops were putting on the bracelets, I will freak the hell out.
And finally, I can't thank you enough for including my words in the same packet as Dave Barry's. Being that close to Dave, even if it is on printed pages in a jail cell, makes me all warm and gooey inside.
Thanks so much for writing and tell the boys in 5c2 "Hi" and "Please don't kill me when you get out".
Dear Sher,
My name is Ti**** and I am the CEO of Mec** Me***, LLC; the publisher of S*****, a humor magazine. I was checking out your credits and I'm definitely going to catch up your books.
I thought I would drop a line to say hello and let you know that I am out here. If you ever need me to list/promote anything on my site, please feel free to contact me and I will get it taken care of!
Dear Ti*****,
I am so excited to pull an Oliver North on my blog. Thank you for giving me that opport**ity. I didn't want to use your real name because I didn't want the tens of people who read this stuff to harass you.
As I've said approximately 100 ba-million times before, I have lots of books, but I didn't write any of them. If you would like to read them, I suppose we could work something out but I'm gonna need you to help with postage and I'm writing my name in the cover so I get it back.
~~~~~~~~~
Want me to visit your inbox from time to time? It'll be our little secret.
Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Annalyse (always the sensible one) says "remember all the happiness in the world won't buy money."
TSG
Dear TSG aka Official Stalker of the OCD Chick,
Um...I'm sorry that I'm not going to be much help this time. I can't seem to get past the fact that you have a sister named Anal Ease. That hardly seems right.
Dear Sher,
You're pretty. Not a guy and not a lesbian, just trying to follow protocol.
I was randomly googling "humor writers" to find amusing things to send to my boyfriend in jail (yes, I'm really feeling like a redneck these days. I was even on the news when "the incident" happened) and found your website. I laughed my ass off. I'll let you know how you went over in 5c2.
They say they have a "library". They actually have a single cart (like librarians use to return books to the shelves). They have a couple of dozen novels that are all at least a decade old and he hasn't even seen that come around in 4 months. So, twice a week, I send reading packets. I always put in this week's Dave Barry (we live in south florida), but he's mostly reruns these days. I think you're as funny as Dave.
Dear Non-Male/Lesbian,
First of all, thank you for following protocol. Telling me I'm pretty guarantees your email is getting read.
Second, I deeply envy that you were there when the incident happened and that it made the news. If you tell me he was not wearing a shirt and your hair was in rollers AND that one or both of you was yelling, "I love you, baby" while the cops were putting on the bracelets, I will freak the hell out.
And finally, I can't thank you enough for including my words in the same packet as Dave Barry's. Being that close to Dave, even if it is on printed pages in a jail cell, makes me all warm and gooey inside.
Thanks so much for writing and tell the boys in 5c2 "Hi" and "Please don't kill me when you get out".
Dear Sher,
My name is Ti**** and I am the CEO of Mec** Me***, LLC; the publisher of S*****, a humor magazine. I was checking out your credits and I'm definitely going to catch up your books.
I thought I would drop a line to say hello and let you know that I am out here. If you ever need me to list/promote anything on my site, please feel free to contact me and I will get it taken care of!
Dear Ti*****,
I am so excited to pull an Oliver North on my blog. Thank you for giving me that opport**ity. I didn't want to use your real name because I didn't want the tens of people who read this stuff to harass you.
As I've said approximately 100 ba-million times before, I have lots of books, but I didn't write any of them. If you would like to read them, I suppose we could work something out but I'm gonna need you to help with postage and I'm writing my name in the cover so I get it back.
~~~~~~~~~
Want me to visit your inbox from time to time? It'll be our little secret.
Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
30 bazillion firefighters beats 70 virgins anyday
Dear Sher,
Funny column, I however can't relate, not having one of..um..those. (I can't write Vagina in an e-mail, my wife disaproves)
I have had many awkward moments though. A doctor took a possibly malignant mole off my backside while his female assistant observed. The mole was benign, Yay. I was horrified.
Oh, and I was once shot at by the Amish. True story. But I like to think that was an accident.
Rich
(not a wealthy jackass)
Dear Rich who is not a wealthy jackass,
I have never, ever....not once in my life, not even in the throws of passion, had these words said to me, "I was once shot by the Amish."
That's awesome.
Sher (not the kind that married a tiny, old man who couldn't sing.)
Dear Sher,
Just wanted to let you know that I was in Indy this past weekend, and while that may not send shivers up your spine the fact that there were 30 bazillion firemen from all over the country in Indy this past weekend may.
So, neener neener neener!!!!!
Dear Triple Neener,
Thirty bazillion firefighters. Sweet lord, sweet lord. What exactly are you doing in life that makes God believe you deserve something like that? Homeless sock knitting? Taking in stray wolverines? Telling ugly people they are pretty?
I hate you. And not in a good way, either.
Sher (I still hate you and not like I hate lima beans, either. It's more like I hate those disgusting Croc shoes. Yeah. That kind of hate.)
~*~*~*~*~*~
Fresh, hot, new columns are no longer posted to this blog, but "Dear Sher" questions and emails are. To join the elite group of men and women across the universe that get to read new Wiping the Crazy off My Face columns, you only need to do one thing.
If you've subscribed, but are not receiving columns, make sure "humorwriter@gmail.com" is added to your safe list. Don't worry. I've been sanitized for your protection.
--
Sher
www.Wiping-the-Crazy-Off-My-Face.com
http://ocd-chick.blogspot.com
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Funny column, I however can't relate, not having one of..um..those. (I can't write Vagina in an e-mail, my wife disaproves)
I have had many awkward moments though. A doctor took a possibly malignant mole off my backside while his female assistant observed. The mole was benign, Yay. I was horrified.
Oh, and I was once shot at by the Amish. True story. But I like to think that was an accident.
Rich
(not a wealthy jackass)
Dear Rich who is not a wealthy jackass,
I have never, ever....not once in my life, not even in the throws of passion, had these words said to me, "I was once shot by the Amish."
That's awesome.
Sher (not the kind that married a tiny, old man who couldn't sing.)
Dear Sher,
Just wanted to let you know that I was in Indy this past weekend, and while that may not send shivers up your spine the fact that there were 30 bazillion firemen from all over the country in Indy this past weekend may.
So, neener neener neener!!!!!
Dear Triple Neener,
Thirty bazillion firefighters. Sweet lord, sweet lord. What exactly are you doing in life that makes God believe you deserve something like that? Homeless sock knitting? Taking in stray wolverines? Telling ugly people they are pretty?
I hate you. And not in a good way, either.
Sher (I still hate you and not like I hate lima beans, either. It's more like I hate those disgusting Croc shoes. Yeah. That kind of hate.)
~*~*~*~*~*~
Fresh, hot, new columns are no longer posted to this blog, but "Dear Sher" questions and emails are. To join the elite group of men and women across the universe that get to read new Wiping the Crazy off My Face columns, you only need to do one thing.
Go here.
If you've subscribed, but are not receiving columns, make sure "humorwriter@gmail.com" is added to your safe list. Don't worry. I've been sanitized for your protection.
--
Sher
www.Wiping-the-Crazy-Off-My-Face.com
http://ocd-chick.blogspot.com
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Dear Sher
I have an etiquette question.
This weekend my fiancee surprised me with tickets for us to see Michael Buble (!!) on April 29th. My fiancee is extremely sweet but I think he doesn't realize how much he overestimated his position here.
Is it considered bad etiquette to capture Michael at the concert, dump fiancee (only after the Buble capture is deemed successful, no reason to burn bridges you don't need to) and take Michael home with me to live forever and ever?
If it's not considered bad etiquette, would you be willing to share your recipe for Buble chow so I can take some along to assist with the luring away part of the plan?
Either way, your advice is greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
kjax
Dear Stupid, Awful, Loathsome Woman Upon Whom I Have Placed a Dastardly Curse,
How lovely of you to write. I'd be ever so happy to answer your questions with regard to My Michael and the kidnapping of him.
First of all, your fiancee thinks you look at My Michael the way he looks at a stripper. Incredibly exciting, but nobody you have a chance to actually go home with. Therefore, his motives in getting you the tickets are purely selfish as he thinks in the absence of an actual Michael encounter, he's gonna get some by default.
Second, I have a special Super Secret code created by a Russian scientist during the Cold War attached to my Gmail account. It allows me to track potential Buble-nappers so that I might hunt them down and do truly illegal and pretty painful things to them. In much the same way the Federal Goverment is hiding in my driveway right now because I just used the words Russian scientist and Gmail in the same sentence, I'll be watching you.
Wherever you see a bush moving, that'll be me. Whenever you feel like someone is right behind you, that'll be me. Unless you're in the bathroom, then I'll be waiting outside like in a chair or something. I'm not following you in there. That's just weird.
(Although I no longer post new columns to this blog, I thought it would be fun to post your Dear Sher questions and emails here from time to time. If you haven't subscribed to get new columns in your inbox, feel free to do that any time and if you have questions or comments, fire away!)
Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
This weekend my fiancee surprised me with tickets for us to see Michael Buble (!!) on April 29th. My fiancee is extremely sweet but I think he doesn't realize how much he overestimated his position here.
Is it considered bad etiquette to capture Michael at the concert, dump fiancee (only after the Buble capture is deemed successful, no reason to burn bridges you don't need to) and take Michael home with me to live forever and ever?
If it's not considered bad etiquette, would you be willing to share your recipe for Buble chow so I can take some along to assist with the luring away part of the plan?
Either way, your advice is greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
kjax
Dear Stupid, Awful, Loathsome Woman Upon Whom I Have Placed a Dastardly Curse,
How lovely of you to write. I'd be ever so happy to answer your questions with regard to My Michael and the kidnapping of him.
First of all, your fiancee thinks you look at My Michael the way he looks at a stripper. Incredibly exciting, but nobody you have a chance to actually go home with. Therefore, his motives in getting you the tickets are purely selfish as he thinks in the absence of an actual Michael encounter, he's gonna get some by default.
Second, I have a special Super Secret code created by a Russian scientist during the Cold War attached to my Gmail account. It allows me to track potential Buble-nappers so that I might hunt them down and do truly illegal and pretty painful things to them. In much the same way the Federal Goverment is hiding in my driveway right now because I just used the words Russian scientist and Gmail in the same sentence, I'll be watching you.
Wherever you see a bush moving, that'll be me. Whenever you feel like someone is right behind you, that'll be me. Unless you're in the bathroom, then I'll be waiting outside like in a chair or something. I'm not following you in there. That's just weird.
(Although I no longer post new columns to this blog, I thought it would be fun to post your Dear Sher questions and emails here from time to time. If you haven't subscribed to get new columns in your inbox, feel free to do that any time and if you have questions or comments, fire away!)
Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Friday, January 11, 2008
Monkeys make everything better. Let's cross stitch that on something.
Dear Sher,
What the hell?
Dear Question Asker who tires of typing after only one short sentence,
Um. Is this a riddle? Cuz I suck at riddles. I'll give it a shot anyway. I'm gonna say four. Yep, four. Definitely four. It's four, right?
Dear Sher,
How ya doing Lady?
Dear Lionel Richie,
Pretty good. No wait a minute. Make that really good. Like crazy, insanely good. Heavy on the insanely.
Dear Sher,
hi, my name is S* Smith, i was wondering how old you were, and i was wondering why you put 2 children that you know of on your about you list. And seeing if you ever had a daughter by the name of ********! about 15-16 years old!
Dear How's that now?
Of all the email I've ever, ever received in my entire long-legged life...and I do mean ever, ever, ever... this is my most favorite. I admit I have done a lot of things I do not remember (and by things, I mean marriages), but I can say with some authority that I clearly recall each and every birth in which I was the birther. (I think.)
Dear Sher,
Thanks so much for what you do. I just love your blog and I'm still reading it all. I can't wait to read more about you.
Dear Lover of the Blog,
Wanna read more about me, huh? Here's something: I'm a messy tooth brusher. Seriously. When I brush my teeth I look like a rabid dog. Plus it takes me a really long time. That'll learn you.
Dear Sher,
just wanted to say I love ya!!!! Even though you don't have time for me anymore....
Dear Big Fella,
So you love me even though I no longer have time for you? That sounds like a marriage proposal to me. I'll see you at the alter in June. That's my next available opening.
Dear Sher,
I don't know if your local newspaper runs the Garfield comic strip or
if you even read the comics ... or the newspaper for that matter.
Whatever the case, I saw the attached cartoon in yesterday's paper here
and immediately thought of you.
Dear Winner of the Coveted Best Person in the Whole Big World Award,
You are the best person in the whole, big world. Anyone who takes the time to send me an email monkey is automatically in my will. Congratulations on the new Hi-Fi that'll be making it's way to you in about 100 years. (I plan on living a long, long time.)
Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
What the hell?
Dear Question Asker who tires of typing after only one short sentence,
Um. Is this a riddle? Cuz I suck at riddles. I'll give it a shot anyway. I'm gonna say four. Yep, four. Definitely four. It's four, right?
Dear Sher,
How ya doing Lady?
Dear Lionel Richie,
Pretty good. No wait a minute. Make that really good. Like crazy, insanely good. Heavy on the insanely.
Dear Sher,
hi, my name is S* Smith, i was wondering how old you were, and i was wondering why you put 2 children that you know of on your about you list. And seeing if you ever had a daughter by the name of ********! about 15-16 years old!
Dear How's that now?
Of all the email I've ever, ever received in my entire long-legged life...and I do mean ever, ever, ever... this is my most favorite. I admit I have done a lot of things I do not remember (and by things, I mean marriages), but I can say with some authority that I clearly recall each and every birth in which I was the birther. (I think.)
Dear Sher,
Thanks so much for what you do. I just love your blog and I'm still reading it all. I can't wait to read more about you.
Dear Lover of the Blog,
Wanna read more about me, huh? Here's something: I'm a messy tooth brusher. Seriously. When I brush my teeth I look like a rabid dog. Plus it takes me a really long time. That'll learn you.
Dear Sher,
just wanted to say I love ya!!!! Even though you don't have time for me anymore....
Dear Big Fella,
So you love me even though I no longer have time for you? That sounds like a marriage proposal to me. I'll see you at the alter in June. That's my next available opening.
Dear Sher,
I don't know if your local newspaper runs the Garfield comic strip or
if you even read the comics ... or the newspaper for that matter.
Whatever the case, I saw the attached cartoon in yesterday's paper here
and immediately thought of you.
Dear Winner of the Coveted Best Person in the Whole Big World Award,
You are the best person in the whole, big world. Anyone who takes the time to send me an email monkey is automatically in my will. Congratulations on the new Hi-Fi that'll be making it's way to you in about 100 years. (I plan on living a long, long time.)
Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Toast takes time. Good toast anyway.
Dear Sher,
You don't know me but your blog is a Google Whack. I searched "Gergantiunation Toad" and your blog was the Whack! Google Whacking is a game that you play using Google. You enter two completely random words and if the page has those two certain words on it and you get a result of 1 - 1 out of 1 you've found yourself a Google Whack! It's very difficult though, yours is one of 3 that I've ever got :-D
Dear Guy who uses words like Gergantiunation,
I can die now. I don't want to, but I could if I wanted. Did you hear that universe? I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!
Dear Sher,
darlin....you know I love you!!!!
Dear Conway Twitty,
Of course you do. Don't be ridiculous. I am entirely lovable and everybody knows it.
Dear Sher,
I love your blog! Thanks for making me feel like I'm not crazy.
Dear Crazy,
But you are. Anyone who feels like they aren't, is. Not my rules.
Dear Sher,
I feel like we're sisters or something because we're so much alike.
Dear Chick who has been married a zillion times, has OCD and a nose that is too small for her face,
Can I borrow your red leather pants? I know you have some.
Dear Sher,
Where are you?
Dear CSI Scranton,
Don't worry. I'm still around. I'm just spending all my time stalking Michael Buble and eating toast. I have a very full life.
Dear Sher,
I know TSG is on your get married list, but how do I get on there?
Dear Guy I now have to marry someday because he asked,
Here is the one and only rule for getting me to marry you: Ask. I never say no to a marriage proposal. You can be extremely old, incredibly ugly, broke, mean, dim-witted and recently declared criminally insane by the state of Wisconsin and I will still marry you. The only catch is that I will probably not stay married to you for very long. I become bored in about the same amount of time it takes for the wedding cake to get stale.
PS: What's my new last name gonna be anyway?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
You don't know me but your blog is a Google Whack. I searched "Gergantiunation Toad" and your blog was the Whack! Google Whacking is a game that you play using Google. You enter two completely random words and if the page has those two certain words on it and you get a result of 1 - 1 out of 1 you've found yourself a Google Whack! It's very difficult though, yours is one of 3 that I've ever got :-D
Dear Guy who uses words like Gergantiunation,
I can die now. I don't want to, but I could if I wanted. Did you hear that universe? I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!
Dear Sher,
darlin....you know I love you!!!!
Dear Conway Twitty,
Of course you do. Don't be ridiculous. I am entirely lovable and everybody knows it.
Dear Sher,
I love your blog! Thanks for making me feel like I'm not crazy.
Dear Crazy,
But you are. Anyone who feels like they aren't, is. Not my rules.
Dear Sher,
I feel like we're sisters or something because we're so much alike.
Dear Chick who has been married a zillion times, has OCD and a nose that is too small for her face,
Can I borrow your red leather pants? I know you have some.
Dear Sher,
Where are you?
Dear CSI Scranton,
Don't worry. I'm still around. I'm just spending all my time stalking Michael Buble and eating toast. I have a very full life.
Dear Sher,
I know TSG is on your get married list, but how do I get on there?
Dear Guy I now have to marry someday because he asked,
Here is the one and only rule for getting me to marry you: Ask. I never say no to a marriage proposal. You can be extremely old, incredibly ugly, broke, mean, dim-witted and recently declared criminally insane by the state of Wisconsin and I will still marry you. The only catch is that I will probably not stay married to you for very long. I become bored in about the same amount of time it takes for the wedding cake to get stale.
PS: What's my new last name gonna be anyway?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Unstalkable?
Dear Sher,
Just so you'll know I'm still around, I wanted to send you the link to this tender ballad! What can I say. This guy could be from Arkansas. I used half a box of Kleenex myself, listening to it. Hope this will move me up the PHL. (potential husband list)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egCeIwjIuZM
Dear TSG,
Thank heavens you are still stalking me. I was starting to feel a little unstalkable. That song was very romantical, by the way. Not enough to bump you up the PHL, but enough to keep me from bumping you down.
Dear Sher,
I laugh so loud and so hard when i read your blog I damn near pee. Good gog you should have a book. Do'nt give up.
Dear Chick who thinks gog is good and so am I,
The best compliment I ever get is that I've made someone pee. Would it kill you guys to maybe tell me I have a pretty smile once in awhile?
Dear Sher,
Your funny. just bumped into you.
Dear Short and sweet,
Ouch.
Dear Sher,
Where are you from in North Carolina?
Dear Person who gets a cookie for paying attention,
If I tell you where I'm from then that would put you one step closer to knowing my true identity and I can't risk that you might find my secret bat lair.
Ellenboro. The name of the town is Ellenboro.
Dear Sher,
I was reading that story you wrote about the vampire at the wedding and I have to tell you I've always had a thing for vampires also. You're great.
Dear Copier,
I also like werewolves. What's your stand on werewolves?
Dear Sher,
Hey, I was just checking out your blog, which is great. Since you seem to have an interest in OCD (as do a lot of people these days), I figured you might get drawn into this story, which appears in the new October issue of Details magazine(the one with Brad Pitt on the cover). I traveled to Texas a few weeks back to attend the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation's annual conference, so the piece is about both the event and the disorder.
cheers,
Jeff
Editor-at-Large
DETAILS
Dear Large editor,
I seem to have an interest in it because I have it. When first I read it, your story made me cry. I'm in there. I live in that...every single freaking day. It's my life. I'm Smith, I'm Jeff, I'm Rick, I'm Cameron, I'm George and Dan. Thank you for your story and for emailing me. It's always a relief when I'm reminded I'm not splashing about out here all alone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm too old to love this song right? Don't care. Love it terrible.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Just so you'll know I'm still around, I wanted to send you the link to this tender ballad! What can I say. This guy could be from Arkansas. I used half a box of Kleenex myself, listening to it. Hope this will move me up the PHL. (potential husband list)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egCeIwjIuZM
Dear TSG,
Thank heavens you are still stalking me. I was starting to feel a little unstalkable. That song was very romantical, by the way. Not enough to bump you up the PHL, but enough to keep me from bumping you down.
Dear Sher,
I laugh so loud and so hard when i read your blog I damn near pee. Good gog you should have a book. Do'nt give up.
Dear Chick who thinks gog is good and so am I,
The best compliment I ever get is that I've made someone pee. Would it kill you guys to maybe tell me I have a pretty smile once in awhile?
Dear Sher,
Your funny. just bumped into you.
Dear Short and sweet,
Ouch.
Dear Sher,
Where are you from in North Carolina?
Dear Person who gets a cookie for paying attention,
If I tell you where I'm from then that would put you one step closer to knowing my true identity and I can't risk that you might find my secret bat lair.
Ellenboro. The name of the town is Ellenboro.
Dear Sher,
I was reading that story you wrote about the vampire at the wedding and I have to tell you I've always had a thing for vampires also. You're great.
Dear Copier,
I also like werewolves. What's your stand on werewolves?
Dear Sher,
Hey, I was just checking out your blog, which is great. Since you seem to have an interest in OCD (as do a lot of people these days), I figured you might get drawn into this story, which appears in the new October issue of Details magazine(the one with Brad Pitt on the cover). I traveled to Texas a few weeks back to attend the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation's annual conference, so the piece is about both the event and the disorder.
cheers,
Jeff
Editor-at-Large
DETAILS
Dear Large editor,
I seem to have an interest in it because I have it. When first I read it, your story made me cry. I'm in there. I live in that...every single freaking day. It's my life. I'm Smith, I'm Jeff, I'm Rick, I'm Cameron, I'm George and Dan. Thank you for your story and for emailing me. It's always a relief when I'm reminded I'm not splashing about out here all alone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm too old to love this song right? Don't care. Love it terrible.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Sher, Sherri, Sherita, Shurry, Cheryl, Sharon, Sadie Mae
Dear Sher,
Is your real name Sherry or Sher?
Dear Person who went there (and misspelled my name),
My birth certificate says I was born Sherri Lynn. Apparently my Mother was a member of the "Name Your Daughter Sherri Lynn" club because at that time every third girl in America was also named Sherri Lynn. I hated the name always because I never felt like a Sherri Lynn. I knew I was a Sadie or a Collette trapped in a Sherri body.
My Mother always called me Sher Bear, which stuck with lots of people over the years. Given a choice, I liked Sher better than Sherri for no good reason really. People don't mispronounce Sher, but as you can see by the title of this post, they frequently mispronounce Sherri and in some of the most bizarre ways. There you have it then. Mystery solved.
Dear Sher,
I happened to stumble in to your site.I am from India. Let me just say your work is the most hilarious I have read in recent times. You truly have a flair for comedy.
Write away Ma'am. I am your fan :).
Dear Sexually ambiguous writer from India,
As you didn't sign your name, I have no idea whether you are male or female. That's a problem for me because as you may or may not know, when a man says something like you just said I am immediately in crazy love with them and have an overwhelming desire to marry them, produce offspring and then later leave them because they blew their nose too loud.
Dear Sher,
"Unconscious" is a delightfully refreshing indie film that we feel you and your blog audience will be very interested in hearing about. The film questions sexual taboos in Barcelona in the early 20th century, yet resonates with a modern sensibility. Hypnosis, love, danger and every imaginable taboo are intertwined.
Since we feel this movie is of interest to your particular audience, we’d love it if you could post the trailer to your site and/or talk a bit about the movie.
Dear Person who had me at "sexual taboos",
I am so delightfully refreshed right now, I can't even tell you. I have always personally questioned sexual taboos in Barcelona in the early 20th century and longed for a flick that would address my questions with a modern sensibility. Let's see what my readers think about it, shall we?
Oh wait a minute! You sent me a link and yet told me not to put the link on my blog. While I do practice mind control techniques at home, I'm not sure whether my powers are solid enough yet to direct my readers to do what I want, but I'll try.
This is me trying. Even though you can't see me, rest assured I am making a scrunched up face and wiggling my eyebrows in hopes that my readers will get the URL I am sending them.
One more thing - Are hypnosis, love, danger and every imaginable taboo French words for porn?
Sher, hon',
I absolutely LOVE your new picture! And you look good in it, too. ;-
Dear anonymous person whose real name is Jami,
Thank you, Darlin.
Dear Sher,
I just wanted to tell you that we went to the kickoff of Michael Buble's tour in Reno two weeks ago. It was great. I hope you get a chance to catch it. Keep up the good work.
Dear hateful, hateful person,
I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
I hate you. I...hate...you.
Signed,
Incredibly Jealous in Seattle
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
This, Gentle Readers, is the ONLY time my first name has ever been cool. Imagine my insane joy when this one came out.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Is your real name Sherry or Sher?
Dear Person who went there (and misspelled my name),
My birth certificate says I was born Sherri Lynn. Apparently my Mother was a member of the "Name Your Daughter Sherri Lynn" club because at that time every third girl in America was also named Sherri Lynn. I hated the name always because I never felt like a Sherri Lynn. I knew I was a Sadie or a Collette trapped in a Sherri body.
My Mother always called me Sher Bear, which stuck with lots of people over the years. Given a choice, I liked Sher better than Sherri for no good reason really. People don't mispronounce Sher, but as you can see by the title of this post, they frequently mispronounce Sherri and in some of the most bizarre ways. There you have it then. Mystery solved.
Dear Sher,
I happened to stumble in to your site.I am from India. Let me just say your work is the most hilarious I have read in recent times. You truly have a flair for comedy.
Write away Ma'am. I am your fan :).
Dear Sexually ambiguous writer from India,
As you didn't sign your name, I have no idea whether you are male or female. That's a problem for me because as you may or may not know, when a man says something like you just said I am immediately in crazy love with them and have an overwhelming desire to marry them, produce offspring and then later leave them because they blew their nose too loud.
Dear Sher,
"Unconscious" is a delightfully refreshing indie film that we feel you and your blog audience will be very interested in hearing about. The film questions sexual taboos in Barcelona in the early 20th century, yet resonates with a modern sensibility. Hypnosis, love, danger and every imaginable taboo are intertwined.
Since we feel this movie is of interest to your particular audience, we’d love it if you could post the trailer to your site and/or talk a bit about the movie.
Dear Person who had me at "sexual taboos",
I am so delightfully refreshed right now, I can't even tell you. I have always personally questioned sexual taboos in Barcelona in the early 20th century and longed for a flick that would address my questions with a modern sensibility. Let's see what my readers think about it, shall we?
Oh wait a minute! You sent me a link and yet told me not to put the link on my blog. While I do practice mind control techniques at home, I'm not sure whether my powers are solid enough yet to direct my readers to do what I want, but I'll try.
This is me trying. Even though you can't see me, rest assured I am making a scrunched up face and wiggling my eyebrows in hopes that my readers will get the URL I am sending them.
One more thing - Are hypnosis, love, danger and every imaginable taboo French words for porn?
Sher, hon',
I absolutely LOVE your new picture! And you look good in it, too. ;-
Dear anonymous person whose real name is Jami,
Thank you, Darlin.
Dear Sher,
I just wanted to tell you that we went to the kickoff of Michael Buble's tour in Reno two weeks ago. It was great. I hope you get a chance to catch it. Keep up the good work.
Dear hateful, hateful person,
I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
I hate you. I...hate...you.
Signed,
Incredibly Jealous in Seattle
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
This, Gentle Readers, is the ONLY time my first name has ever been cool. Imagine my insane joy when this one came out.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
You asked. I answered. When do I get to ask?
Dear Sher,
I read your blog every day and I love it. You’re so funny and I think you should have a book.
Dear person who thinks I’m funny so I like you,
As I’ve said many, many times before, I have lots of books. Sadly I didn’t write any of them.
Dear Sher,
I'd like to suggest an idea for a blog that is based in part around a song I co-wrote with Billy Livesay, who performs it. I think its lyrics will provide you with material for humorous pop culture commentary.It's called "Pop Star” and is about a person who sees signs that the end of the world is near and just wants to be a pop star before it all comes crashing down.
Billy has had numerous songs featured on network primetime television and also played lead guitar and shared vocal duties in the Clarence Clemons Band. Clarence of course was the great saxophone player in Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band. You can hear "Pop Star" for free by going to the direct link of http://free.napster.com/view/artist/index.html?id=12351878 .
Dear guy who writes songs for people who sing them,
Number 1- Humorous pop culture commentary is hard. I write the easy stuff known as barely funny to even the drunkest of drunken people.
Number 2 – The fact that you know someone who knows someone who knows The Boss makes me want to marry you. Since I consider any words from a man strung together in a sentence a legal and binding marriage proposal, please make sure Bruce is invited to our wedding. (Which is coincidentally the same time I will leave you to become Mrs. Springsteen.)
Number 3 – I actually LOVE the song and strongly encourage the three people who read my columns to go and listen to it right away. Any time someone uses the word sycophant in a song…and can make it sound good…I’m an automatic fan.
Dear Sher,
I have OCD too and I like it when you laugh at yourself for it. My favorite OCD persona on TV was the one on Scrubs played by Michael J. Fox. Have you seen it? I do wish you wrote more about how it really feels to have it sometimes.
Dear Obsessive-Compulsive Sistuh,
Dr. Kevin Casey. Dr. Kevin Casey. Dr. Kevin Casey. It’s my favorite, too! Just saw a rerun the other night in fact. I think it gives a nice balance to the funny and the terrible and a pretty accurate look at the disorder.
I appreciate that you would like me to talk more about it, but that part is very hard for me. It’s easier to make myself the joke before someone else gets to make me the joke. Besides, if I were to actually tell it like it is my readers would run for the hills.
A little advice from me to you: only spill the whole of your reality to those closest to you. I have only one person who gets as close to the crazy as you can without having it rub off and even he doesn’t get the whole enchilada.
Dear Sher,
I can't. I'm sorry. Soon though.
Dear Code Talker,
I can, so I will, and you'll be even sorrier when I enjoy it and you have to hear about it. Which you will. In detail. With flourish even. And pictures. Lots of pictures. Some that I colored. Not with that little cheap box of welfare crayons that aren't really Crayola's either, but colored with the big box of crayons that have a sharpener in the back. I'll probably even use the gold and silver ones. That's how awesome it's gonna be.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
I read your blog every day and I love it. You’re so funny and I think you should have a book.
Dear person who thinks I’m funny so I like you,
As I’ve said many, many times before, I have lots of books. Sadly I didn’t write any of them.
Dear Sher,
I'd like to suggest an idea for a blog that is based in part around a song I co-wrote with Billy Livesay, who performs it. I think its lyrics will provide you with material for humorous pop culture commentary.It's called "Pop Star” and is about a person who sees signs that the end of the world is near and just wants to be a pop star before it all comes crashing down.
Billy has had numerous songs featured on network primetime television and also played lead guitar and shared vocal duties in the Clarence Clemons Band. Clarence of course was the great saxophone player in Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band. You can hear "Pop Star" for free by going to the direct link of http://free.napster.com/view/artist/index.html?id=12351878 .
Dear guy who writes songs for people who sing them,
Number 1- Humorous pop culture commentary is hard. I write the easy stuff known as barely funny to even the drunkest of drunken people.
Number 2 – The fact that you know someone who knows someone who knows The Boss makes me want to marry you. Since I consider any words from a man strung together in a sentence a legal and binding marriage proposal, please make sure Bruce is invited to our wedding. (Which is coincidentally the same time I will leave you to become Mrs. Springsteen.)
Number 3 – I actually LOVE the song and strongly encourage the three people who read my columns to go and listen to it right away. Any time someone uses the word sycophant in a song…and can make it sound good…I’m an automatic fan.
Dear Sher,
I have OCD too and I like it when you laugh at yourself for it. My favorite OCD persona on TV was the one on Scrubs played by Michael J. Fox. Have you seen it? I do wish you wrote more about how it really feels to have it sometimes.
Dear Obsessive-Compulsive Sistuh,
Dr. Kevin Casey. Dr. Kevin Casey. Dr. Kevin Casey. It’s my favorite, too! Just saw a rerun the other night in fact. I think it gives a nice balance to the funny and the terrible and a pretty accurate look at the disorder.
I appreciate that you would like me to talk more about it, but that part is very hard for me. It’s easier to make myself the joke before someone else gets to make me the joke. Besides, if I were to actually tell it like it is my readers would run for the hills.
A little advice from me to you: only spill the whole of your reality to those closest to you. I have only one person who gets as close to the crazy as you can without having it rub off and even he doesn’t get the whole enchilada.
Dear Sher,
I can't. I'm sorry. Soon though.
Dear Code Talker,
I can, so I will, and you'll be even sorrier when I enjoy it and you have to hear about it. Which you will. In detail. With flourish even. And pictures. Lots of pictures. Some that I colored. Not with that little cheap box of welfare crayons that aren't really Crayola's either, but colored with the big box of crayons that have a sharpener in the back. I'll probably even use the gold and silver ones. That's how awesome it's gonna be.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
You know you like it.
I'm feeling a tad angry today. Maybe its a mid-life crisis or maybe its too few before breakfast cocktails. Who really knows what causes a good woman to go bad. All I know is I have an unbelievable desire to put on black leather, get a skull tattoo and be mean to someone.
To satisfy at least one of those urges, I'll just do this instead.
Dear Sher,
It's me! Please open up!
Dear Person who gets the OCD Chick award for weirdest subject line ever,
No.
Dear Sher,
Happy Birthday, Baby. You're funny, funny, funny and pretty, pretty, pretty.
Dear Birthday wisher,
I'll let the Baby go this time 'cause you said I'm pretty. But, I much prefer Sweetheart. Don't you read this blog at all?
Dear Sher,
I want to make an honest woman out of you. I think it about time that we formalize our relationship of mutual admiration with an exchange of links. Of course if you're already in a relationship, I understand.
Dear Guy who is funnier than me so I hate him,
I've never wanted anything more in my life than to exchange links with someone like you. Please be aware that this ain't my first time at the rodeo though, so I demand we practice safe linking. I have no idea who else you've linked to after all.
(Readers, visit www.ominouscomma.com right now, but then you turn around and come right back here. Don't be sucked in by his fancy words and use of correct punctuation.)
Dear Sher,
As designated virtual stalker, I wanted to get you a nice virtual gift on your birthday.
Do you think it is a little ostentatious?
I hope your Husband hasn't already gotten you one of these. Enjoy! .........TSG
Dear Official WTCOMF stalker,
Don't kid yourself, Darlin'. Using the word "ostentatious" in an email to me is birthday present enough. (Guess what, kids? Toad Suck Guy has a blog now. Go there and demand he blog about his adoration of me frequently.)
Dear Sher,
Hey, I love your blog. I wanted to tell you that Deputy Pretty guy sounds interesting. I wish I had one of those. Where can a girl get her own?
Dear Chick trying to steal my pretty Deputy,
Ummm, sorry. He's a one of a kind, first edition and trust me when I tell you there are no copies. But if boys with badges pop your pistol, maybe you should consider dressing up and breaking the law. I find it grabs their attention.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I know you guys have likely seen this viral video, but sweet lord... if you haven't you will pee your pants. Watch it now.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
To satisfy at least one of those urges, I'll just do this instead.
Dear Sher,
It's me! Please open up!
Dear Person who gets the OCD Chick award for weirdest subject line ever,
No.
Dear Sher,
Happy Birthday, Baby. You're funny, funny, funny and pretty, pretty, pretty.
Dear Birthday wisher,
I'll let the Baby go this time 'cause you said I'm pretty. But, I much prefer Sweetheart. Don't you read this blog at all?
Dear Sher,
I want to make an honest woman out of you. I think it about time that we formalize our relationship of mutual admiration with an exchange of links. Of course if you're already in a relationship, I understand.
Dear Guy who is funnier than me so I hate him,
I've never wanted anything more in my life than to exchange links with someone like you. Please be aware that this ain't my first time at the rodeo though, so I demand we practice safe linking. I have no idea who else you've linked to after all.
(Readers, visit www.ominouscomma.com right now, but then you turn around and come right back here. Don't be sucked in by his fancy words and use of correct punctuation.)
Dear Sher,
As designated virtual stalker, I wanted to get you a nice virtual gift on your birthday.
Do you think it is a little ostentatious?
I hope your Husband hasn't already gotten you one of these. Enjoy! .........TSG
Dear Official WTCOMF stalker,
Don't kid yourself, Darlin'. Using the word "ostentatious" in an email to me is birthday present enough. (Guess what, kids? Toad Suck Guy has a blog now. Go there and demand he blog about his adoration of me frequently.)
Dear Sher,
Hey, I love your blog. I wanted to tell you that Deputy Pretty guy sounds interesting. I wish I had one of those. Where can a girl get her own?
Dear Chick trying to steal my pretty Deputy,
Ummm, sorry. He's a one of a kind, first edition and trust me when I tell you there are no copies. But if boys with badges pop your pistol, maybe you should consider dressing up and breaking the law. I find it grabs their attention.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I know you guys have likely seen this viral video, but sweet lord... if you haven't you will pee your pants. Watch it now.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
You bring out the worst in me. I like that about you.
This is your own fault, really.
You know when you sit down to send me an email I will reply to you in a nice, perfectly normal and not at all crazy way. You also know I might then take that very same email and post it here where I will draw attention to you in a potentially unflattering way and say things that might make you think I am bloated and crampy.
Dear Sher,
I have only recently found your blog and I'm busy trying to read all of your old posts. Regarding today's post on bowling...not only are you forced to wear shoes that are hideous and previously worn by God knows whom....you are also forced to put your fingers into holes that other people have put their fingers in to also. These would be fingers that have been put in places that you don't EVEN want to think about.
Bowling is just disgusting. And yes, bowling alleys do smell like Monkey Ass~
Dear Chick who just put a horrible thought in my obsessive-compulsive head,
Thanks for that. Now that’s all I can think about.
Dear Sher,
LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog...look at all those capital letters!!!! And exclamation points!!! I LOVE it so much I want to comment, but I am either A) dumb and can't figure out where to do so or B) you don't have a comment option...
Help?
Dear BEST READER EVER!!!!
I love, love, love capital letters and exclamation points!!! In fact, the only thing I love more are superfluous words and aching body parts. Next time try to say something like, “Dear Sher, I adore your cogitations. They make my heart leap with joy and my loins ache with envy.”
BTW, to comment, go to the very bottom of the post (beneath the Yahoo feed button) and in very tiny letters you will see the word “comments”. Click, sign in (it’s free… don’t freak out) and say something nice.
Dear Sher,
…your picture (on the blog) has been replaced by a toad.
Dear Astute Reader,
I’m sorry. I thought my readers might like to see my first ex-husband.
Dear Sher,
I find it hard to believe that a dead mouse could land in your lap without some sort of two-minute warning. But, the world is full of strange things. Being obsessed with forensics I would have had to determine the cause and precise time of death, and rule out foul play.
Dear CSI Mouseville,
Don’t bother trying to rule out foul play. The Evil Red-Headed Berta Lou is all about foul play. That’s why she’s my best friend.
Dear Sher,
Hello, Wow... a lot of things to consider in this page on the mule rides down the grand canyon!! I'm writing because I just heard that not too long ago..one of the mules did have a heart attack and him with his rider fell over the edge of course killing both. Hmmmmm....wonder why that didnt headline the news??!!!
Dear Hmmmmm,
I knew it! Clearly I am a psychic. Or a mule whisperer. Or drunk.
Dear Sher,
Just wanted to mention that in your little kidnapping scheme you might want to stop by NASA and pickup one of those spiffy diapers.
On another note, I went to hear Susan Powter speak last night in Reno. I am starting to wonder if she is ripping off some of your rants? You might want to investigate..........
Dear Lisa Nowak,
I appreciate the kidnapping tip, but this ain’t my first time at the criminal rodeo. I was using adult kidnapping garments long before you made it cool.
Oh I will investigate alright. Susan Powter is going down. She may be psychotic and weirdly thin, but I am an obsessive-compulsive woman who is about to turn 43 and still hasn’t figured out the secret of life. I have a rage she won’t even see coming until I have popped the top on a big fizzy can of whoop ass.
Dear Sher,
Have the words "blunt force trauma" ever been associated with the departure of any of your ex-husbands?
Dear Toad Suck Guy,
Yes.
Dear Sher,
I recently discovered your site and I am a big fan of your work! I wondered if you had ever thought about writing greetings cards.
Dear Fan of Me,
In fact I have written several, but none have yet been published. What do you think of this one?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don’t even think about cheating on me or I will cut off your family jewels and hang them from the tree in the front yard so that all the neighbors will know you are a jewel-less, pathetic excuse for a cheating man.
Too flowery?
How about this one?
Happy Birthday to a great co-worker from the whole gang…
You really need to lose a few pounds and brush your teeth once in awhile. Oh, and a little less Avon Scent of Old Lady Parfum might not hurt either.
~*~*~*~
OK. I hate myself for loving this song, but I can't even help it. Don't tell anybody.
Hinder: Better Than Me.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
You know when you sit down to send me an email I will reply to you in a nice, perfectly normal and not at all crazy way. You also know I might then take that very same email and post it here where I will draw attention to you in a potentially unflattering way and say things that might make you think I am bloated and crampy.
Dear Sher,
I have only recently found your blog and I'm busy trying to read all of your old posts. Regarding today's post on bowling...not only are you forced to wear shoes that are hideous and previously worn by God knows whom....you are also forced to put your fingers into holes that other people have put their fingers in to also. These would be fingers that have been put in places that you don't EVEN want to think about.
Bowling is just disgusting. And yes, bowling alleys do smell like Monkey Ass~
Dear Chick who just put a horrible thought in my obsessive-compulsive head,
Thanks for that. Now that’s all I can think about.
Dear Sher,
LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog...look at all those capital letters!!!! And exclamation points!!! I LOVE it so much I want to comment, but I am either A) dumb and can't figure out where to do so or B) you don't have a comment option...
Help?
Dear BEST READER EVER!!!!
I love, love, love capital letters and exclamation points!!! In fact, the only thing I love more are superfluous words and aching body parts. Next time try to say something like, “Dear Sher, I adore your cogitations. They make my heart leap with joy and my loins ache with envy.”
BTW, to comment, go to the very bottom of the post (beneath the Yahoo feed button) and in very tiny letters you will see the word “comments”. Click, sign in (it’s free… don’t freak out) and say something nice.
Dear Sher,
…your picture (on the blog) has been replaced by a toad.
Dear Astute Reader,
I’m sorry. I thought my readers might like to see my first ex-husband.
Dear Sher,
I find it hard to believe that a dead mouse could land in your lap without some sort of two-minute warning. But, the world is full of strange things. Being obsessed with forensics I would have had to determine the cause and precise time of death, and rule out foul play.
Dear CSI Mouseville,
Don’t bother trying to rule out foul play. The Evil Red-Headed Berta Lou is all about foul play. That’s why she’s my best friend.
Dear Sher,
Hello, Wow... a lot of things to consider in this page on the mule rides down the grand canyon!! I'm writing because I just heard that not too long ago..one of the mules did have a heart attack and him with his rider fell over the edge of course killing both. Hmmmmm....wonder why that didnt headline the news??!!!
Dear Hmmmmm,
I knew it! Clearly I am a psychic. Or a mule whisperer. Or drunk.
Dear Sher,
Just wanted to mention that in your little kidnapping scheme you might want to stop by NASA and pickup one of those spiffy diapers.
On another note, I went to hear Susan Powter speak last night in Reno. I am starting to wonder if she is ripping off some of your rants? You might want to investigate..........
Dear Lisa Nowak,
I appreciate the kidnapping tip, but this ain’t my first time at the criminal rodeo. I was using adult kidnapping garments long before you made it cool.
Oh I will investigate alright. Susan Powter is going down. She may be psychotic and weirdly thin, but I am an obsessive-compulsive woman who is about to turn 43 and still hasn’t figured out the secret of life. I have a rage she won’t even see coming until I have popped the top on a big fizzy can of whoop ass.
Dear Sher,
Have the words "blunt force trauma" ever been associated with the departure of any of your ex-husbands?
Dear Toad Suck Guy,
Yes.
Dear Sher,
I recently discovered your site and I am a big fan of your work! I wondered if you had ever thought about writing greetings cards.
Dear Fan of Me,
In fact I have written several, but none have yet been published. What do you think of this one?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don’t even think about cheating on me or I will cut off your family jewels and hang them from the tree in the front yard so that all the neighbors will know you are a jewel-less, pathetic excuse for a cheating man.
Too flowery?
How about this one?
Happy Birthday to a great co-worker from the whole gang…
You really need to lose a few pounds and brush your teeth once in awhile. Oh, and a little less Avon Scent of Old Lady Parfum might not hurt either.
~*~*~*~
OK. I hate myself for loving this song, but I can't even help it. Don't tell anybody.
Hinder: Better Than Me.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Blogroll Me!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Intrepid? Isn't that a car?
Dear Sher,
I'm a "Mister Man" of 55 with OCD, and a Frenchmen from province of Québec, Canada
I have to write to you to tell you how you make me laugh.
Boy did I laugh especially the foreplay things, almost fell of my chair.
Tank's for your intelligent humor. I hope I'm not offending you by comparing your humor with Rita Rudner that I like very much.
Dear French Guy,
Tanks so much for your email! Almost no one tells me my foreplay things make them laugh, so I'm pretty psyched. (FYI: I plan on using that quote on my resume.) I also appreciate your appreciation of my intelligent humor. I am nothing if not intelligent and humorous. And finally, I am not at all offended by your comparison of me to Rita Rudner. Had you compared me to Dick Cheney, we might have had a problem. (Wow... I'm picking up this new Democrat thing really quickly. I'm all tingly. Tomorrow I plan on saying mean things about Ann Coulter. As a Canadian, you have no idea what I just said, eh? Take my word for it, French Guy. It's both intelligent and humorous.)
PS: Love your accent!
Dear Sher,
I am so sorry to hear about your lump. As if the whole thyroid thing wasn't enough of a downer. I totally empathize with your desire to keep your chick parts. When I went to see my OB/GYN about some female problems the first thing I told him was that I was not looking to have anything removed. Seems like these days the quick answer is always the H word. Stand strong, but that pesky gallbladder probably does have to go. Positve thoughts coming your way.
Dear Nice person I can't even find anything funny to say about,
Even though I have asked all my friends to send me good boobie vibes, you are the first one to actually do it in writing. I'm sorry about my lump, too and I tell my girls that every day. They've been through a lot and have held up nicely, if I do say so myself. I hate to reward them by having Surgeon cut on them. The H Word... sounds like a new show on Bravo.
Dear Sher,
RE: Virgin Sacrifice.
Volcanoes can be found in Washington. Next door to Bill Gates place. Virgins can be found in Spokane. Glad to help - you're welcome.
Dear Dog the Virgin Hunter,
Now I know why I've never been to Spokane.
Dear Sher,
A lump? Geez. I'm sorry.
Dear Beav,
Geez. You got something against lumpy boobies do you? Nice. Now I feel even worse.
Dear Sher,
Your hair is not blonde any more? Wow! When are you going to post a new picture?
Dear Anonymous Guy who wants a picture of me for undisclosed & potentially weird purposes,
I can't post a new picture as vampires can't be photographed. Yeah. Totally so not blonde.
Dear Sher,
Just wanted to pass along that I believe your ovaries and boobies are not only bodacious but are aweless, intrepid, unabashed ovaries and boobies.
Dear Big Word User whose references to my ovaries and boobies are a little frightening, but nevertheless much appreciated,
You had me at aweless.
Doesn't get any better than Mary J. Blige. I plan on being her in my next life. Listen and love it.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Visit Ms. Crazy On Her Face Online
I'm a "Mister Man" of 55 with OCD, and a Frenchmen from province of Québec, Canada
I have to write to you to tell you how you make me laugh.
Boy did I laugh especially the foreplay things, almost fell of my chair.
Tank's for your intelligent humor. I hope I'm not offending you by comparing your humor with Rita Rudner that I like very much.
Dear French Guy,
Tanks so much for your email! Almost no one tells me my foreplay things make them laugh, so I'm pretty psyched. (FYI: I plan on using that quote on my resume.) I also appreciate your appreciation of my intelligent humor. I am nothing if not intelligent and humorous. And finally, I am not at all offended by your comparison of me to Rita Rudner. Had you compared me to Dick Cheney, we might have had a problem. (Wow... I'm picking up this new Democrat thing really quickly. I'm all tingly. Tomorrow I plan on saying mean things about Ann Coulter. As a Canadian, you have no idea what I just said, eh? Take my word for it, French Guy. It's both intelligent and humorous.)
PS: Love your accent!
Dear Sher,
I am so sorry to hear about your lump. As if the whole thyroid thing wasn't enough of a downer. I totally empathize with your desire to keep your chick parts. When I went to see my OB/GYN about some female problems the first thing I told him was that I was not looking to have anything removed. Seems like these days the quick answer is always the H word. Stand strong, but that pesky gallbladder probably does have to go. Positve thoughts coming your way.
Dear Nice person I can't even find anything funny to say about,
Even though I have asked all my friends to send me good boobie vibes, you are the first one to actually do it in writing. I'm sorry about my lump, too and I tell my girls that every day. They've been through a lot and have held up nicely, if I do say so myself. I hate to reward them by having Surgeon cut on them. The H Word... sounds like a new show on Bravo.
Dear Sher,
RE: Virgin Sacrifice.
Volcanoes can be found in Washington. Next door to Bill Gates place. Virgins can be found in Spokane. Glad to help - you're welcome.
Dear Dog the Virgin Hunter,
Now I know why I've never been to Spokane.
Dear Sher,
A lump? Geez. I'm sorry.
Dear Beav,
Geez. You got something against lumpy boobies do you? Nice. Now I feel even worse.
Dear Sher,
Your hair is not blonde any more? Wow! When are you going to post a new picture?
Dear Anonymous Guy who wants a picture of me for undisclosed & potentially weird purposes,
I can't post a new picture as vampires can't be photographed. Yeah. Totally so not blonde.
Dear Sher,
Just wanted to pass along that I believe your ovaries and boobies are not only bodacious but are aweless, intrepid, unabashed ovaries and boobies.
Dear Big Word User whose references to my ovaries and boobies are a little frightening, but nevertheless much appreciated,
You had me at aweless.
Doesn't get any better than Mary J. Blige. I plan on being her in my next life. Listen and love it.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Visit Ms. Crazy On Her Face Online
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Just wiggin and eating a dog. Thanks for asking.
Because I have to go to the Big City tomorrow morning to see Dr. Surgeon who has no time for me and loves himself almost as much as he loves his shiny knife... and because I have to do it alone because Mr. Man has abandoned me tonight and tomorrow... I'm wigging.
And when I wig, I want to eat. And when I want to eat as a direct result of my wigging, I want good, nasty things that only Southern people eat. Tonight it was "all the way dogs". If you aren't from South of here, you don't know what that is. As I love abusing even the smallest amount of power I have over others, I'm not going to tell you. All you really need to know is that I ate them and they were good.
Know what else is good?
Dear Sher,
Dear Person I've been writing about for years but who only just now has publicly responded to my blog,
A. Your memory sucks. Point of fact: I only stopped in the bar after returning from a training excursion with the meanest person in the entire city, if not the universe, so that I might say howdy-doody and see if you wanted to TP her house or put a black magic curse on her.
2. Your knowledge of what is connected to what is suspect. I may have gotten clocked upside my head with a pool ball traveling at the speed of a guy leaving your house after you tell him you love him, but I rather doubt that has anything to do with my gall bladder not gall bladdering and my ovary not ovarizing. It probably has everything to do with why I pee my pants everytime I I hear the word "break", though.
XXV. I do not have an old age obsession. I have a wrinkled, old, blue-haired lady obsession, as in I don't want to be one. Thank you for comparing me to a bottle of Boone's Farm though. I feel all warm and fuzzy. (That may be more to do with the all the way dogs than what you wrote, though.)
Dear Sher,
I have been reading your blog and love it. Your humor is great. I enjoy reading your blog and the new stories you post there. I also have OCD and understand some of the things you deal with.
Dear Other OCD Chick,
You wanna start a club? I could be the Queen and you could be the Treasurer or something. It would be a really clean club and all the electrical appliances would definitely be turned off and the doors would really be locked since we'd each have to check them and recheck them until we're sure they're OK...which is never. I'll bring the Lysol Wipes and you bring the gloves.
G'd'ye Sher,
I tripped across your blog by accident about a month ago. I think from Erik Decker's (The Laughing Stalk).
"Sher's House of Testicle Removal" was the first treatise that I read. I've been addicted to you since. The most consistently humorist writer I've read. (I'm comparing you to the likes of: Dave Barry, Matt Farr, Erik Decker (The Laughing Stalk), Bruce Cameron, and Michael g.Valliant.
Jealous of your husband
Dear Guy who was nice to me so now I love him,
I am very fond of men who suck up to me by telling me I'm funny and that they are jealous of Mr. Man. But when they say I should be on the NY Times Bestseller List, AND they use words like 'treatise' AND they offer to increase my popularity by persuading friends and being savvy, I am fully prepared to have my tubes sewn back together and birth them some big-headed babies. Nothing says loving like offering to gestate for a stranger.
Dear Sher,
Thanks. I needed that this morning.
Dear Guy who isn't Mr. Man and whose email sounded dirty but it's not,
Your email sounded dirty. But, it's not.
HumorWriter@gmail.com: You know you want to.
Amos Lee on the Today Show. He's all good and nothing nice. (Make sure you download Southern Girl on iTunes. Crazy good.)
Copyright © 2004-2006, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Visit Ms. Crazy On Her Face Online
And when I wig, I want to eat. And when I want to eat as a direct result of my wigging, I want good, nasty things that only Southern people eat. Tonight it was "all the way dogs". If you aren't from South of here, you don't know what that is. As I love abusing even the smallest amount of power I have over others, I'm not going to tell you. All you really need to know is that I ate them and they were good.
Know what else is good?
Dear Sher,
I think maybe all your trouble started many, many moons ago, when the really not so evil BL, thought it would be fun to go out to the bars. You had not been in the bar 4.5 seconds when a flying bomb shell attacked you ( aka a pool ball ) and clocked you upside the head. Everyone in the medical field knows your gall bladder is connected to the "upside the head" part of your body.
Hope this is the last of the side affects to the incident. Also I hope this helps settle your thoughts that this has to do with you old age obsession. You are not old, you are aging to perfection.
Luv ya
The Sweet BLDear Person I've been writing about for years but who only just now has publicly responded to my blog,
A. Your memory sucks. Point of fact: I only stopped in the bar after returning from a training excursion with the meanest person in the entire city, if not the universe, so that I might say howdy-doody and see if you wanted to TP her house or put a black magic curse on her.
2. Your knowledge of what is connected to what is suspect. I may have gotten clocked upside my head with a pool ball traveling at the speed of a guy leaving your house after you tell him you love him, but I rather doubt that has anything to do with my gall bladder not gall bladdering and my ovary not ovarizing. It probably has everything to do with why I pee my pants everytime I I hear the word "break", though.
XXV. I do not have an old age obsession. I have a wrinkled, old, blue-haired lady obsession, as in I don't want to be one. Thank you for comparing me to a bottle of Boone's Farm though. I feel all warm and fuzzy. (That may be more to do with the all the way dogs than what you wrote, though.)
Dear Sher,
I have been reading your blog and love it. Your humor is great. I enjoy reading your blog and the new stories you post there. I also have OCD and understand some of the things you deal with.
Dear Other OCD Chick,
You wanna start a club? I could be the Queen and you could be the Treasurer or something. It would be a really clean club and all the electrical appliances would definitely be turned off and the doors would really be locked since we'd each have to check them and recheck them until we're sure they're OK...which is never. I'll bring the Lysol Wipes and you bring the gloves.
G'd'ye Sher,
I tripped across your blog by accident about a month ago. I think from Erik Decker's (The Laughing Stalk).
"Sher's House of Testicle Removal" was the first treatise that I read. I've been addicted to you since. The most consistently humorist writer I've read. (I'm comparing you to the likes of: Dave Barry, Matt Farr, Erik Decker (The Laughing Stalk), Bruce Cameron, and Michael g.Valliant.
It's taking a while to 'get thru' all your 'stuff'. I'm still working my way thru the 2004 archives of Wiping the Crazy off My Face. But I'm also keeping up with the ocd-chick.blogspot and working backwards. I'll meet myself in the middle of your writing somewhere if I don't get lost.
I have not yet seen any reference that you have written a book. How can this be? Perhaps I got lost in your pages and missed the link? Your humor hits so close to daily issues that we all have. I would think that your book would be a NY Times best seller!
I am 'passing on' links to your blogs to all my friends and family, of course. It's the least I can do to increase your popularity. And it persuades friends that I am savvy to the ways of the internet.
Jealous of your husband
Dear Guy who was nice to me so now I love him,
I am very fond of men who suck up to me by telling me I'm funny and that they are jealous of Mr. Man. But when they say I should be on the NY Times Bestseller List, AND they use words like 'treatise' AND they offer to increase my popularity by persuading friends and being savvy, I am fully prepared to have my tubes sewn back together and birth them some big-headed babies. Nothing says loving like offering to gestate for a stranger.
Dear Sher,
Thanks. I needed that this morning.
Dear Guy who isn't Mr. Man and whose email sounded dirty but it's not,
Your email sounded dirty. But, it's not.
HumorWriter@gmail.com: You know you want to.
Amos Lee on the Today Show. He's all good and nothing nice. (Make sure you download Southern Girl on iTunes. Crazy good.)
Copyright © 2004-2006, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.
Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.
Visit Ms. Crazy On Her Face Online
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