Sunday, November 16, 2008

Toad Suck Guy- the official WTCOMF Stalker

Sher,

First let me apologize for my lack of attention, as we both know the world... no make that the entire universe, revolves around you, and your happiness. So what have you been up to. I certainly hope you have been engaged in some sort of nefarious activity.

I missed seeing you at the Toad Suck Daze Festival. Oh, you should have seen me winning the bobbing for pig's feet contest! The trophy is about three feet tall, a bronze plated pig's foot. It's kinda starting to smell a little though. PJ is working as a consultant at her old job one day a week, and is spending the rest of her time working and learning the lumber business. The little dude isn't as much of a weenie as I first suspected. The old Rollahome is gone PJ shoved it over the bank with the 906 loader, I just couldn't do it myself. BTW how do you feel about a log house?

When we are married you will still get a new FWD Ford truck. Recently PJ hit a deer, and since the truck has been repaired it wouldn't be good enough. Nothing but the best for you, of course.

Now, the question of my status on the Potential Husband List. In spite of my neglect, I hope I am still in the top ten. I think at one time I was as high as number six. I have replace the missing TSG blog, but there are no posts just a couple photos. Sigh......it's just not the same without you!

Missing you,

TSG (Toad Suck Guy)

Dearest TSG aka Official Stalker of WTCOMF,

When I saw your email my first instinct was to banish you to spam. After all, you have certainly neglected your stalking duties since you went and got yourself married to Poor Jane.

But then you used the word "nefarious" and everything was OK again. (I really need to work on holding a grudge.)

I had every intention of attending the annual Toad Suck Daze festival. It was circled on my calendar and everything. Just as I was about to get on the fast train to the land where toads suck but people don't, I remembered I hate nature only slightly less than I hate toads. Trip canceled.

I'm happy to hear married life is going well for you. As you well know, I am a strong proponent of marriage as I try to do it myself as often as I can. I will say however that I'm slightly worried about your safety, what with your current wife pushing homes off cliffs and murdering deer with her Ford for no good reason. Perhaps some Metamucil sprinkled on her morning oats would be in order.

As for me, I can't say I'm great - but I'm certainly OK enough not to slit my wrists in the bathtub. I have a new job that pays well, but requires me to spend a lot of my time driving. No - I'm not a trucker, although I do enjoy dressing like one in the privacy of my own home.

The book I was/am writing sucks pigs feet and so has left me terribly discouraged. Every time I try to write it comes out the same... "it was a dark and stormy night". It's a bitter pill when you realize even Snoopy was a more prolific writer than you are.

On top of that, unlike everyone else around me, I am getting older every second. I fear at any moment I will be overcome with the desire to wear a sweatshirt with kitty cats on it and purchase beige shoes with Velcro closures. My baby girl got married in September which cast me in the role of MOB. I still cry every 2.4 days at the thought of her in that dress. (Video she made for me below.)

On the up side, Sarah Palin is not going to be our VP so I can relax a little. I could not walk ten feet anywhere without at least a couple people telling me I looked like her. On Halloween a bar full of drunken Jokers, pimps and slutty nurses complemented me all night on my Sarah costume - which consisted of no costume at all.


It was lovely to hear from you. And yes, Toad Suck Guy, you are still on the Potential Husband List - just below a reader who may have legally changed his name to Mr. Piddles and David the owner of an unruly giraffe named Tim. Because of your use of the word nefarious, however, and your proclamation and acknowledgment that all things revolve around me, you are hereby bumped to Number Four.

Signed,
The tired, old and unable to write anything above her name, OCD Chick






Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com

Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.

Blogroll Me!


Add to My Yahoo!

5 comments:

AnnieOfBlueGables said...

sweet video. And, you DO look like SP. Good thing she isn't our VP.
Happy MOB and MIL time.
~a

TSG said...

Nice video, and thanks for the move on the PHL! I'll do better, I promise, but you've heard that before!

Sher said...

Annie - you take that back! I truly do not see the similarity.

TSG - You're welcome. Do better by me or you're back down the list again.

kjax said...

Lovely pictures.

As for the resemblence, I think it's in the glasses. Between the glasses and the messy/casual up-do hair that she wore a lot too, I think that's where people are getting the resemblence.

TSG said...

Yeah, I'm back, Sorta. Life is different now.....PJ, is with me, and there's no OCD Chick writing to make fun of me when I relate my adventures. I've never really posted anything yet. Just some old photos and stuff to irritate the tree huggers. Actually, we have long practiced sustainable harvesting, and attempted to minimize negative impact to the land when logging. But I like to gig 'em when I can. Some of them are so unrealistic.
Click here: TSG

BTW when I move up to number two on the PHL, I will start working on a way to get rid of PJ. By then It might not be too difficult. Nothing Illegal of course. My sisters actually like her!

TSG